Happy Halloween!

I’m sorry I have been absent, so much to say and no time to type it all out! Damn you ADHD! And fuck that doctor! I’m out of meds and it is totally ruining my life…I’m trying SO had to control myself and it is NOT working! I’m so frustrated! I want to control this better! And I’m coming down with a sore throat, it feels like I’ve been screaming for hours, I know it’s laryngitis, I’ve had it too many times to count. My chest has been hurting, feels tight, and I feel my heart hasn’t been beating right. I’ve had this before. My stomach hurts, I can’t eat. I don’t know what is causing all this stress. Money? Work? Life? My bitch mother? I just need a fucking break from everything!

Day One

My first official day at the new job and it was awesome!! I was so scared and nervous, which I still am slightly because I’m finally working as a medic, but they made me feel like a fit! Everyone was so nice and helpful! I still have a lot to learn and I’m scared shitless about being a medic on my own, but it’s so exciting! It’s always slightly difficult starting a new job, learning the ways, what to do, and how everyone operates, but that will come in time. I feel like I fit in great so far and every single person I have met has been just extra nice and helpful…rural areas are always so much better than cities! People are just all around nicer! I can’t wait to start working more hours there and phase out at the hell I’m stuck in now! In fact, I sent my Chief a letter informing him of my new job (which he helped me get with an amazing letter of recommendation):

Chief *******,

I am writing today to inform you that I am starting a new career and will be working less shifts with (our organization) after June 2012. I am by no means quitting (said job), I am just informing you that my hours will be less. If CPR classes are needed, PR events need staffed, or anything else is needed in town, please feel free to e-mail or call me anytime. If it does not conflict with my schedule, I am more than willing to help.

Due to recent activities within the EMS department, I can no longer continue to work as many hours as I have. I am sorry for giving this information after all you have done for me, however I can not continue working with the staff and enjoy my job. It is time for me to cut back for my own self. But please know, I am not quitting and am more than willing to teach, work events, and continue to operate as an EMT on the ambulance.

I am not giving up, but I am unable to work as often at (our organization) with the staff. I am worn out from being one of the few that help out and work. Due to the supervisory staff and lack of support, I feel I am being poorly treated and can no longer continue to come to work and function to the best of my ability. It is a struggle to do my job without wanting to complain or feel like I need to yell at a fellow employee. I do not like this part of myself and want to prevent it from happening. I feel very little appreciation for the work I do and rarely get help.

Thank you for everything you have taught me, I appreciate your training and knowledge to help start me in this field. It will not go forgotten.

Thank you,
************

The worst days of those who enjoy what they do, are better than the best days of those who don’t. – E. James Rohn

I got sent out on just one call today, crazy considering they have ran over 4,300 calls for the year so far, but the field training officer I was with said I did a great job. He told me I’d fit in great here and am doing very well for myself. That’s very exciting considering it’s my very first day and I only ran one call! All the medics I rode with on my student time for paramedic school always said what an awesome job I did, but I’m not completely sure where they got that idea…I feel scared and sometimes completely lost!! I guess that comes with being a new medic, but the people I ride with say I do awesome all around. They have said I have great paramedic skills and I am great with the patients too. I never want to stop learning and hope to become the paramedic everyone claims I already am.
Besides working like crazy I have been spending as much time as I can with my awesome man. : ) He’s so good to me and for me! Recently a fellow bloggers left a comment about cutting ties with family. This happens to be something I have thought about very much and I’d like to share my thoughts here so they can get out of my head. I have read a lot before about abused children and cutting ties with their family, I have had a discussion with a close friend/personal therapist, and I think this would truly be the best choice for me.
My family can be extremely toxic and bring me down a lot, some days they don’t know they are doing it, other days they seem to get joy out of it, and none of it is good for me. I need to get myself away from them to heal fully. There are now two reasons for me to cut ties with my family if they don’t straight up their act. One is the abuse, I need time to heal. The other reason is being in my age gap relationship. I have had this discussion with my older man and he knows the sacrifice I may have to make, and he fully tried to walk away, I told him no. I refuse to let my family stand in the way of our relationship and how amazing it has been for my life.
I’m having a very hard time lately getting my mind to focus fully, next time i will not let my medicine run out. I am going to watch The Blind Side, if you’ve never seen it or read the book then I highly suggest you go now!! I will watch this movie and then maybe later tonight or this week I can refocus and write everything racing in my mind. Good night world! : )

Why So Serious?

Today I actually had a day off, amazing right? Which would explain why I’m  not posting anything till now, I spent my day being completely lazy! Which apparently also means I’m completely tired because I feel exhausted for some reason! Since I ended up with the day off that meant I got to enjoy a little Xbox, and by a little bit I mean maybe 30 minutes, that’s what happens when I avoid my medicine for the day. See, some people believe ADHD is a “bullshit excuse for laziness.” Not true, I am far from lazy and there are more than enough people to back that up. I simply can not keep my focus, no matter what. It could be something I completely enjoy, like playing Xbox, but if I’m not under control for the day, I can’t stay with one thing. There are some days where I am able to control my ADHD better than others, but the majority of the time I just let it go and bounce from thing to thing.

Today while playing Xbox, I got on Modern Warfare 3, naturally, to kill some people which ended quickly for two reasons. One, my ADHD and zero focus on it, I played all of one round before I got bored. And two, because people take the game WAY to seriously!! Has anyone else noticed this? It’s a game people! It’s to have fun! I got cussed out and told how stupid I am multiple times because the other team shot and killed me…let me mention here that I was the last person on my team to die, meaning these people cussing me out for “causing us to lose” had already been killed PRIOR to my death! Upon mentioning this to them, they left the game and I guess found another group to play. I just don’t get it. It’s a game! Not a competition! And there is not need to tell me how bad of a player I am if you’ve died before me, especially multiple times.

Tonight I’m off to find a new case for my iPad2. I really, really, REALLY want the Lifeproof case, but there is no date yet on when it’s going to come out and I just don’t think I can wait. I am still totally in love with my Lifeproof iPhone case! I decided to take a relaxing bath this morning and took my phone with me to watch some Netflix. And of course only I would manage to drop my phone in the water, but this case saved it yet again! : ) I watched a movie that was new to me today, called Alabama Moon. In my opinion, very good movie! I really enjoyed the story line a lot. My older man came across it on Netflix and told me to watch it. He sure knows what kind of movies I like! If you haven’t seen it and you like what you read on IMDB, then perhaps you too should watch it. You will not be disappointed.