Search and Rescue

This may not have been the “week from hell” but thanks to my mother it was pretty damn close! What a bitch!! And before you question me, I have spent years of abuse and if you ask any of her friends, they will tell you what they told, my parents should not be allowed to have me. But that is a story you can’t find if you read back, sharing it now only makes me angry.

This week I tested for a job, one that I am not likely to get, being a girl and not have a $5000 piece of paper that says u attended “their” training, though my training is the same because it all resulted in state certification. It’s hard to explain but a total pain in the ass. Over 150 people tested!! Yes, a lot!!! An only the top 30 move to the next of a 4 step process. I doubt I did we’ll enough, but well see in a few weeks.

After all that, I joined my man on a road trip. I was in a bad mood, which was entirely my mothers fault, again! I apologized and he took me to a few caches along the way. That helped, until we got to our destination. Then the people hiding the caches had me worked up more. One of them cheated to get their cache published.

It was our first stop, a cache that has yet to be found. The coordinates put you in the middle of a field, literally!! So after an hour search of the nearest trees, we got nothing. E-mailed the cacher owner only to get a message back later that read: “I know the coordinates are off, I had to do that to get it published because it fell too close to another cache.” WFT?! Seriously??? It’s an entire HUGE open section with PLENTY of areas to hide and you have to cheat???? Fuck you!

So we moved on to other caches there, all hidden by the same person, after two caches I said, “fuck this” and quit! I think you should be required so many finds before you can hide a cache. And you need to be slightly smarter than a fucking monkey! This person clearly had very little knowledge of caching! The first of their cache put me in the middle of a field between 3 sections of trees, all about 50 feet away! Ugh! After several searches, I found it on pure luck. Off to the next. Same damn thing! GPS put me in a damn field!!! Read the hint…the item that matches the hint is a good 75 feet or more away! Are you freaking kidding???? I posted a note that said, “This is the second of your caches I have tried today. I am not logging this as a DNF because I didn’t truly look, but I suggest you update your coordinate because ALL of them are off!”

I know, the GPS takes you to the general location then you search from there, but fuck! This wasn’t even getting me in a general location!!!! I’m not dealing with that every time. You’re coordinates need to be somewhat close! Damn!

So he took me home after that, held me tight for a while to calm me down from my mother. He also fed me, it was my first full meal in 2 days, and my stomach did not take to it well! I was SO sick! It was horrible!!

I spent today complete alone like a loser. I was not invited to any parties, my man had to work, and I was suppose to be studying. I’m getting really nervous for my next critical care test, which is this week! : ( I’m scared! Flipping out! I’m panicking!! I feel like I know nothing!! But right now I’m preparing for another test too! 3 in one week is just stupid!!!!

This week I test for another job. Yes, not including the last test, this is a whole different department. The pay sucks, the drive is far, but the people are nice and it beats hell job! So I’m trying! I won’t jinx myself, but the Assistant Chief seems to like me and I’m helping her study for this next test, let’s hope it is enough! I need something! Anything!!!

My aunt and uncle invited me on a cruise this summer. Problem is I need a buddy to go along, to make it cheaper, and I have none. My cousin suggested I take my man, but we know the family won’t like that. I have no friends, and none that are responsible with money to be able to afford it. Hell, I can’t afford it now anymore either! I’m bummed, it was going to be my escape, a time to relax, and instead I’m stuck here…in hell. Never an escape.

Sometimes the internet is a great search tool, other times not so much. This time not so much. I want to find search teams that work you a couple months out of the year, I would love to do this!! All the teams around me are volunteer only, which is great but I already volunteer and it takes money. Money I don’t have. You have to buy your own equipment, tools, uniform, lodging, gas, vehicle…everything you have to pay for. Can’t do that. So I would like to know, do you know of any? I think it would be a great experience! So let me know. I would love to do this!!

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It Shouldn’t Hurt To Be A Child

Child abuse can ruin your life years after…I would know, I’m a product of it. I struggle every single day, trying to function normal in this society. My social skills, problem solving skills, and general conversation skills are years behind! In fact, so behind that grade school children are ahead of me. I wish someone had gotten me help. I wish someone had rescued me. I wish someone had taken me away from the hell I was in. I needed it so badly. I’d go to sleep praying I’d never have to get up.

I remember each time my dad beat me. I remember him throwing me into the wall. I remember him punching me in the mouth, back handing me, and slamming me to the ground right in front of the neighbors that were over…no one did a thing. I remember coming home from a full day, work 6am-10am, class 11am-1pm, work 2pm-11pm, Monday-Friday. He got mad at my sister for something, so he emptied every single drawer, shelf, closet and threw everything all over my room. Took everything off my desk and dresser, ruined school books. Then back handed me when I got pissed and told me I wasn’t allowed to sleep until it was completely clean as HE wanted it! I didn’t sleep the entire night and couldn’t stay awake at work. I started to fall asleep behind the wheel going to class. The next night he pulled the same crap. It was killing me and I hoped with all my heart it would!

I’ve never been good enough for my mom. I’m not a girl, I’m into sports and outdoors, she hates that. I don’t wear dresses, she hates that. I’m not in a profession that can make her proud. I’m not doing what she wants. I’m not who she wants and she reminds me all the time. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never be something she can be proud of. I’ll never do the right thing. I’ll never make her happy. I’ll never be the daughter she wanted and I so desperately wanted to die instead of being stuck failing at everything she wanted.

My sister had a combination of them both in her. She hated me. Always has, always will. Why? They never beat her! She used to sit on me, she weight almost double me despite being my twin. She’d jump on my back. She’s beat me. Punch me in the back as hard as she could. She hit me in the head. Ruined the only “friend” I had…my teddy bear. One time, when I wasn’t fixing the internet fast enough for her, she grabbed my arm and squeezed so hard I had bruises that outlined her fingers…I was suppose to be at a job interview…I never went. I couldn’t go to work or school for almost a week. Another time she dug her nails into me so deep I had a welt in my arm that went in almost 1/4 an inch and covered an entire bath towel with blood…literally.

The emotion pain was always worse, I could never control it. I could control the physical pain, I could make it hurt else where, I could detach myself from the pain. I can’t stop the words, not even to this day. I can’t stop the emotional scars. I can’t forgot what they told me. How worthless, useless, and stupid I am. I’m developmentally delayed in critical areas of life…I don’t know how to fix myself. I let people beat me down, I take it and never fight back. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve what I have. I make too many mistakes. I can’t do anything right, I never will be able to. I’ll never get it right, this life. I’ll never be the person they wanted. I’ll never be good enough.

Too Much

How much is too much? How do you know you can keep pushing on? How do you know when it’s time to give up? When do I quit trying?

I’ve stretched the rope as far as I can and I’ve run out. I’m on the edge and no one cares but me. I can’t do this life anymore. People just love to kick me day after day, can they not see the pain in my eyes? Have I gotten that good at hiding it? Can they not see the tears? The suffering? Do they just take a blind eye to it like they did when I was being beat?

I can’t live anymore. I’m hurting and no where I go is safe. I have never had a safe home, it’s never been my place to escape the world. Obviously work is far from any safe place for me. Every safe place I have found has been stripped of me for one reason or another. I’m so alone. I cry every single day, several times a day. I hurt so bad and no one has done anything about it.

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Have I mentioned how much I hate the holidays? They fucking suck since the divorce! I fit in no where. My dad’s side hates me because I lived with my mother after the divorce. And my dad’s mom…well she’s a real fucking peach! I walked out on both Thanksgiving AND Christmas last year. Fuck her!

Well the woman landed herself in the hospital yesterday. I haven’t and don’t plan to visit her and my mother is telling me how horrible I am. That I should visit my grandma…excuse me but she bad mouths myself AND my mother and my MOM said I have to see her?? Fuck that shit! She can lay there and get the fuck over her attitude before I visit! Call me cold hearted, I don’t give a fuck anymore!

Got into a fight with my dad about it too. He was trying to tell me what the doctors said and I corrected his wording and World War 3 started. Fucking asshole started screaming at me to “shut the fuck up you little bitch, you’re not letting me finish.” Finish? Finish what?! You don’t even know what the hell you are saying and it makes ZERO sense! I hung up on the jackass! Fuck him too! Fuck them all!

I have no where to turn, no where to go. I’m dying here. One day at a time, slowly. I’ve started writing letters that will go out to ever fucker that screwed with me so they know what their actions can cause!! Once done with that, then the next stage of planning. When, where, how.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take it. I’m done. Broken beyond repair and no one can save me anymore.

The Week From Hell

A lot has happened these past few days and I am in a DEEP rut! I’ve been in been for days, thinking about things I shouldn’t. I’ve made some very bad choices, spontaneous choices I shouldn’t make, stupid decisions. I have said things I shouldn’t, but not one has been alerted to them. No on cares. I’m completely on my own. So here are the events of the week…

It started because of the wedding, this stupid fucking wedding. My family has always loved my sister more, she’ll go places in life, no me. I’m going no where. She’s married now, has been working a full time job, finishing up school (her associates degree), and bought a house. Me? I’m not doing anything good with my life…my 5 jobs, two degrees, acceptance into my bachelor degree with a scholarship…none of that matters. I almost bought a house on my own, but my contract didn’t get accepted at the last minute, they backed out. I bought a new car with mostly all cash. I have plenty of money in the back…but none of it matters. I’m a failure.

The rehearsal was the start of hell. My mom demanded I take my camera for pictures, fine whatever…got to practice. But the fighting started about my hair, it’s never good enough for her. I should make it look more like a girl…funny, it’s long enough and I style it, but it’s still not good enough. I tried curling it, I love my curls, but the wind just destroyed that so back to the shower I went. Spent two hours doing my hair for nothing, so I spent another two hours on it. Straightened it, then curled it differently so it’d look “decent” and that wasn’t enough. I’m never good enough. But I tried to make the best of the day. Which wasn’t good.

Then came wedding day. I had to work the night before so my sleep was lacking…this did not help the situation. Then while I’m getting my hair done, my mom has to make her little comment. I can’t tell you how much this hurt me. It hurt so bad! I just felt my heart shatter…I didn’t know what to say or do. I just sat there. I mean who does that?? And why?? What makes you say that? To your child! Your own flesh and blood??

I don’t get it…she’s made because I have a friend, that is a girl, that I hang out with and my man is in my life? WTF? Shouldn’t she be mad if I’m out drinking, on drugs, getting knocked up, in jail…isn’t that what parents should be concerned about? I don’t get it. Someone explain it to me because I don’t get it. I mean, I have friends that care about me (or so I thought). We don’t go out doing drugs. We aren’t in trouble with the law. Yes, we have fun, drink some, TP houses, break rules and laws, but I’m not in trouble for it. It’s all harmless fun and good times. Is that wrong?

As for my man…he doesn’t beat me, he doesn’t yell at me, he doesn’t have me knocked up, he doesn’t hurt me…is that wrong? He holds doors, chairs, is polite, kind, respectful, and everything good, but it’s wrong for him to be in my life? I just don’t get it!! I don’t understand!

So at the wedding everyone made comments about me being all dressed up, I got tired of hearing it and my aunt told them to shut up already. She said it doesn’t matter if I’m a jeans and t-shirt girl…that’s me, that’s who I am and there’s not a problem with it. I was glad for her helping me. Then my mom came over and wanted a picture. She started her comments, so I said, “I’m going to find my gay friend.” And tried to walk off, she pulled me back and said she was just kidding. I wasn’t. It fucking hurt! And I’m going to hate her forever for it! It was uncalled for and just fucking rude!

During the wedding fucking sucked because my sister included the entire family, except me! She didn’t have me in it at all, I did NOTHING! I felt like a fucking retard and worthless. After the wedding it was picture time. Guess who they forgot to put in the family picture…? Yep, that would be me! They fucking forgot me in the family photo!!!!!!! Thanks a lot! Just ensuring more than already that I’m not going to be missed. Thank you family.

Between the wedding and the reception I sat at home with my “gay” friend. My mom screaming and yelling everything she said. For the record, I woke up that morning with a headache and by this point it had turned to a migraine. I was hurting and my mom wouldn’t shut the fuck up! OMG! Then I come downstairs to get more water to down even more medicine…my mom and her friends are fucking smoking pot! Now I’m pissed! I’m all for people having a good time, fine whatever, but don’t do that shit with me in the fucking house!! I can get pulled at any time for a random drug test, I’ll be fucked if that’s in my system, no more job. Had someone called the cops…well, that arrest would mean no more job, no more license, no more career. She could have fucked up my whole life!! They were doing it right out front with neighbors outside and around…are you stupid?!?! Ugh!

So now I’m in serious pain (pot makes my headaches worse), angry, and pissed! Off to the reception I go. FML! I was hurting SO bad! I had so much pain, the sound made it worse, the movement and light was making everything worse. I was so so sick. I had taken 4 times the amount of medicine I was allowed. I was in tears, literally. People kept coming over and yelling in my ear, “What’s wrong with you?” I’m fucking hurting, what’s it look like!!! Ahhhhh!!!!!! I cried almost the whole night. It wasn’t until 5 hours later that my mom finally noticed me and told me to go home. She was pissed, go figure. I stayed because she would make me pay forever if I left. My dad came over after her and said to just go home and if my mom has a problem, she can talk to him. Just great…a family fight again, all my fault.

A few friends came over, they sat with me. My neighbor and his boyfriend came and sat with me. His boyfriend gave me a neck and back massage to help, which did some. Then a slow song came on, he took me to the dance floor and was a nice gentleman about it. Kissed my hand as he took me from the table, held me during the song, told my mom to leave me the fuck alone when she came over (literally!). I loved him for that. He told me out of my whole family, I’m his favorite! : ) That made me smile. If only he wasn’t gay, damn! He could have any girl he wanted between his looks and behavior! But I’m not looking, I have my man, just saying. So the song ended, he kissed my forehead (my favorite kiss) and my hand then walked me back to my table. That was the high light of my night. The only good from the day. I’m so glad for him.

Finally it got late enough, the party slowed down, and I took off. I came home and cried, for hours. I cried myself to sleep, I just cried and cried. Woke up sick the next day, my mom was being a bitch about it and I cried the entire day too. I was in tears all day. And again yesterday, I cried most of yesterday too. And today, I’ve been crying today. I just can’t take anything anymore, I can’t take this life. I started writing letter, then threw them again. I have a list, of people that deserve a letter, rather good or bad, when I’m gone. I started writing to them, to explain everything but how do you explain in a letter to someone why you killed yourself? Is that possible?

My reason might be wrong, but I’m still alive until I can figure out how to say that in a letter. I just can’t stay here anymore. I can’t live this life. I feel so alone, so hurt, so angry…I just don’t know what to do anymore. The pain never stops. Ever. Right now I’m buying a plane ticket, rather I use it or not is undetermined, but I am buying it anyway. I need a break. I don’t know where I’ll go when I get there, where I’ll stay, what I’ll do, but I need to go. I need to leave. I need to get away from the world!

Damn This Hearing

And it strikes again! Some days I really hate the fact that I have excellent hearing and can focus on several things at once, especially conservations. A little update on life at the residence before the story begins…

My brother moved out, but just to our dad’s. Since he hasĀ  no job and failed out of community college, he can’t go anywhere but from one home to the other. Dad bribed him of course, offered to buy him a new bigger bed and a better tv if he moved in. Of course my brother took it, why wouldn’t he? It also means he gets away from mom who was pushing him for a job, where dad won’t do that. He also won’t be forced into going back to school.

Part of me is glad he’s gone, the other part…not so much. It’s weird, this entire divorce thing is so weird. I’m used to a house full of people, anywhere from 5-7, maybe more…just people everywhere. Now it’s empty, just myself and the dogs and from time to time my mother. I feel lost. I’m used to a full house. And my mother is driving me nuts because her baby boy isn’t here to bug anymore. My chores have doubled and she always wants me home. She’s finally “trying” to be a mother, but it’s a little too late. I’m an adult now, she should have tried before.

Now that her baby boy isn’t around to take to dinner all the time, she’s bugging me. I finally decided to go to dinner with her the other night and that’s when my damn ears ruined that night. I was chatting with a friend that had called while we waited for our food and my mom was talking to her friend and I overheard the conservation. Apparently the only reason she stayed with my dad for so long was because she didn’t want to have to deal with child custody. So she ruined my life more for her own selfish reasons. She made the decision 15 years ago according to her that as soon as my brother turned 18, the divorce was on. Wonderful.

Here’s a little tip…staying together is usually the WORST decision you could have made for your child! I went through hell and back because they “stayed together”! I used to cry myself to sleep at night just begging God to have them divorce. I just wanted to vanish so bad. I hated life more than anything. I think my life would have been way better had they divorced years ago. I just hope I can make a life for my family that I always wanted growing up. I want to push past my childhood and have a happy adulthood. My only dream growing up was to be loved and happy.