Search and Rescue

This may not have been the “week from hell” but thanks to my mother it was pretty damn close! What a bitch!! And before you question me, I have spent years of abuse and if you ask any of her friends, they will tell you what they told, my parents should not be allowed to have me. But that is a story you can’t find if you read back, sharing it now only makes me angry.

This week I tested for a job, one that I am not likely to get, being a girl and not have a $5000 piece of paper that says u attended “their” training, though my training is the same because it all resulted in state certification. It’s hard to explain but a total pain in the ass. Over 150 people tested!! Yes, a lot!!! An only the top 30 move to the next of a 4 step process. I doubt I did we’ll enough, but well see in a few weeks.

After all that, I joined my man on a road trip. I was in a bad mood, which was entirely my mothers fault, again! I apologized and he took me to a few caches along the way. That helped, until we got to our destination. Then the people hiding the caches had me worked up more. One of them cheated to get their cache published.

It was our first stop, a cache that has yet to be found. The coordinates put you in the middle of a field, literally!! So after an hour search of the nearest trees, we got nothing. E-mailed the cacher owner only to get a message back later that read: “I know the coordinates are off, I had to do that to get it published because it fell too close to another cache.” WFT?! Seriously??? It’s an entire HUGE open section with PLENTY of areas to hide and you have to cheat???? Fuck you!

So we moved on to other caches there, all hidden by the same person, after two caches I said, “fuck this” and quit! I think you should be required so many finds before you can hide a cache. And you need to be slightly smarter than a fucking monkey! This person clearly had very little knowledge of caching! The first of their cache put me in the middle of a field between 3 sections of trees, all about 50 feet away! Ugh! After several searches, I found it on pure luck. Off to the next. Same damn thing! GPS put me in a damn field!!! Read the hint…the item that matches the hint is a good 75 feet or more away! Are you freaking kidding???? I posted a note that said, “This is the second of your caches I have tried today. I am not logging this as a DNF because I didn’t truly look, but I suggest you update your coordinate because ALL of them are off!”

I know, the GPS takes you to the general location then you search from there, but fuck! This wasn’t even getting me in a general location!!!! I’m not dealing with that every time. You’re coordinates need to be somewhat close! Damn!

So he took me home after that, held me tight for a while to calm me down from my mother. He also fed me, it was my first full meal in 2 days, and my stomach did not take to it well! I was SO sick! It was horrible!!

I spent today complete alone like a loser. I was not invited to any parties, my man had to work, and I was suppose to be studying. I’m getting really nervous for my next critical care test, which is this week! : ( I’m scared! Flipping out! I’m panicking!! I feel like I know nothing!! But right now I’m preparing for another test too! 3 in one week is just stupid!!!!

This week I test for another job. Yes, not including the last test, this is a whole different department. The pay sucks, the drive is far, but the people are nice and it beats hell job! So I’m trying! I won’t jinx myself, but the Assistant Chief seems to like me and I’m helping her study for this next test, let’s hope it is enough! I need something! Anything!!!

My aunt and uncle invited me on a cruise this summer. Problem is I need a buddy to go along, to make it cheaper, and I have none. My cousin suggested I take my man, but we know the family won’t like that. I have no friends, and none that are responsible with money to be able to afford it. Hell, I can’t afford it now anymore either! I’m bummed, it was going to be my escape, a time to relax, and instead I’m stuck here…in hell. Never an escape.

Sometimes the internet is a great search tool, other times not so much. This time not so much. I want to find search teams that work you a couple months out of the year, I would love to do this!! All the teams around me are volunteer only, which is great but I already volunteer and it takes money. Money I don’t have. You have to buy your own equipment, tools, uniform, lodging, gas, vehicle…everything you have to pay for. Can’t do that. So I would like to know, do you know of any? I think it would be a great experience! So let me know. I would love to do this!!

It Shouldn’t Hurt To Be A Child

Child abuse can ruin your life years after…I would know, I’m a product of it. I struggle every single day, trying to function normal in this society. My social skills, problem solving skills, and general conversation skills are years behind! In fact, so behind that grade school children are ahead of me. I wish someone had gotten me help. I wish someone had rescued me. I wish someone had taken me away from the hell I was in. I needed it so badly. I’d go to sleep praying I’d never have to get up.

I remember each time my dad beat me. I remember him throwing me into the wall. I remember him punching me in the mouth, back handing me, and slamming me to the ground right in front of the neighbors that were over…no one did a thing. I remember coming home from a full day, work 6am-10am, class 11am-1pm, work 2pm-11pm, Monday-Friday. He got mad at my sister for something, so he emptied every single drawer, shelf, closet and threw everything all over my room. Took everything off my desk and dresser, ruined school books. Then back handed me when I got pissed and told me I wasn’t allowed to sleep until it was completely clean as HE wanted it! I didn’t sleep the entire night and couldn’t stay awake at work. I started to fall asleep behind the wheel going to class. The next night he pulled the same crap. It was killing me and I hoped with all my heart it would!

I’ve never been good enough for my mom. I’m not a girl, I’m into sports and outdoors, she hates that. I don’t wear dresses, she hates that. I’m not in a profession that can make her proud. I’m not doing what she wants. I’m not who she wants and she reminds me all the time. I’ll never be good enough. I’ll never be something she can be proud of. I’ll never do the right thing. I’ll never make her happy. I’ll never be the daughter she wanted and I so desperately wanted to die instead of being stuck failing at everything she wanted.

My sister had a combination of them both in her. She hated me. Always has, always will. Why? They never beat her! She used to sit on me, she weight almost double me despite being my twin. She’d jump on my back. She’s beat me. Punch me in the back as hard as she could. She hit me in the head. Ruined the only “friend” I had…my teddy bear. One time, when I wasn’t fixing the internet fast enough for her, she grabbed my arm and squeezed so hard I had bruises that outlined her fingers…I was suppose to be at a job interview…I never went. I couldn’t go to work or school for almost a week. Another time she dug her nails into me so deep I had a welt in my arm that went in almost 1/4 an inch and covered an entire bath towel with blood…literally.

The emotion pain was always worse, I could never control it. I could control the physical pain, I could make it hurt else where, I could detach myself from the pain. I can’t stop the words, not even to this day. I can’t stop the emotional scars. I can’t forgot what they told me. How worthless, useless, and stupid I am. I’m developmentally delayed in critical areas of life…I don’t know how to fix myself. I let people beat me down, I take it and never fight back. I don’t deserve anything. I don’t deserve what I have. I make too many mistakes. I can’t do anything right, I never will be able to. I’ll never get it right, this life. I’ll never be the person they wanted. I’ll never be good enough.

Too Much

How much is too much? How do you know you can keep pushing on? How do you know when it’s time to give up? When do I quit trying?

I’ve stretched the rope as far as I can and I’ve run out. I’m on the edge and no one cares but me. I can’t do this life anymore. People just love to kick me day after day, can they not see the pain in my eyes? Have I gotten that good at hiding it? Can they not see the tears? The suffering? Do they just take a blind eye to it like they did when I was being beat?

I can’t live anymore. I’m hurting and no where I go is safe. I have never had a safe home, it’s never been my place to escape the world. Obviously work is far from any safe place for me. Every safe place I have found has been stripped of me for one reason or another. I’m so alone. I cry every single day, several times a day. I hurt so bad and no one has done anything about it.

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Have I mentioned how much I hate the holidays? They fucking suck since the divorce! I fit in no where. My dad’s side hates me because I lived with my mother after the divorce. And my dad’s mom…well she’s a real fucking peach! I walked out on both Thanksgiving AND Christmas last year. Fuck her!

Well the woman landed herself in the hospital yesterday. I haven’t and don’t plan to visit her and my mother is telling me how horrible I am. That I should visit my grandma…excuse me but she bad mouths myself AND my mother and my MOM said I have to see her?? Fuck that shit! She can lay there and get the fuck over her attitude before I visit! Call me cold hearted, I don’t give a fuck anymore!

Got into a fight with my dad about it too. He was trying to tell me what the doctors said and I corrected his wording and World War 3 started. Fucking asshole started screaming at me to “shut the fuck up you little bitch, you’re not letting me finish.” Finish? Finish what?! You don’t even know what the hell you are saying and it makes ZERO sense! I hung up on the jackass! Fuck him too! Fuck them all!

I have no where to turn, no where to go. I’m dying here. One day at a time, slowly. I’ve started writing letters that will go out to ever fucker that screwed with me so they know what their actions can cause!! Once done with that, then the next stage of planning. When, where, how.

I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take it. I’m done. Broken beyond repair and no one can save me anymore.

The Week From Hell

A lot has happened these past few days and I am in a DEEP rut! I’ve been in been for days, thinking about things I shouldn’t. I’ve made some very bad choices, spontaneous choices I shouldn’t make, stupid decisions. I have said things I shouldn’t, but not one has been alerted to them. No on cares. I’m completely on my own. So here are the events of the week…

It started because of the wedding, this stupid fucking wedding. My family has always loved my sister more, she’ll go places in life, no me. I’m going no where. She’s married now, has been working a full time job, finishing up school (her associates degree), and bought a house. Me? I’m not doing anything good with my life…my 5 jobs, two degrees, acceptance into my bachelor degree with a scholarship…none of that matters. I almost bought a house on my own, but my contract didn’t get accepted at the last minute, they backed out. I bought a new car with mostly all cash. I have plenty of money in the back…but none of it matters. I’m a failure.

The rehearsal was the start of hell. My mom demanded I take my camera for pictures, fine whatever…got to practice. But the fighting started about my hair, it’s never good enough for her. I should make it look more like a girl…funny, it’s long enough and I style it, but it’s still not good enough. I tried curling it, I love my curls, but the wind just destroyed that so back to the shower I went. Spent two hours doing my hair for nothing, so I spent another two hours on it. Straightened it, then curled it differently so it’d look “decent” and that wasn’t enough. I’m never good enough. But I tried to make the best of the day. Which wasn’t good.

Then came wedding day. I had to work the night before so my sleep was lacking…this did not help the situation. Then while I’m getting my hair done, my mom has to make her little comment. I can’t tell you how much this hurt me. It hurt so bad! I just felt my heart shatter…I didn’t know what to say or do. I just sat there. I mean who does that?? And why?? What makes you say that? To your child! Your own flesh and blood??

I don’t get it…she’s made because I have a friend, that is a girl, that I hang out with and my man is in my life? WTF? Shouldn’t she be mad if I’m out drinking, on drugs, getting knocked up, in jail…isn’t that what parents should be concerned about? I don’t get it. Someone explain it to me because I don’t get it. I mean, I have friends that care about me (or so I thought). We don’t go out doing drugs. We aren’t in trouble with the law. Yes, we have fun, drink some, TP houses, break rules and laws, but I’m not in trouble for it. It’s all harmless fun and good times. Is that wrong?

As for my man…he doesn’t beat me, he doesn’t yell at me, he doesn’t have me knocked up, he doesn’t hurt me…is that wrong? He holds doors, chairs, is polite, kind, respectful, and everything good, but it’s wrong for him to be in my life? I just don’t get it!! I don’t understand!

So at the wedding everyone made comments about me being all dressed up, I got tired of hearing it and my aunt told them to shut up already. She said it doesn’t matter if I’m a jeans and t-shirt girl…that’s me, that’s who I am and there’s not a problem with it. I was glad for her helping me. Then my mom came over and wanted a picture. She started her comments, so I said, “I’m going to find my gay friend.” And tried to walk off, she pulled me back and said she was just kidding. I wasn’t. It fucking hurt! And I’m going to hate her forever for it! It was uncalled for and just fucking rude!

During the wedding fucking sucked because my sister included the entire family, except me! She didn’t have me in it at all, I did NOTHING! I felt like a fucking retard and worthless. After the wedding it was picture time. Guess who they forgot to put in the family picture…? Yep, that would be me! They fucking forgot me in the family photo!!!!!!! Thanks a lot! Just ensuring more than already that I’m not going to be missed. Thank you family.

Between the wedding and the reception I sat at home with my “gay” friend. My mom screaming and yelling everything she said. For the record, I woke up that morning with a headache and by this point it had turned to a migraine. I was hurting and my mom wouldn’t shut the fuck up! OMG! Then I come downstairs to get more water to down even more medicine…my mom and her friends are fucking smoking pot! Now I’m pissed! I’m all for people having a good time, fine whatever, but don’t do that shit with me in the fucking house!! I can get pulled at any time for a random drug test, I’ll be fucked if that’s in my system, no more job. Had someone called the cops…well, that arrest would mean no more job, no more license, no more career. She could have fucked up my whole life!! They were doing it right out front with neighbors outside and around…are you stupid?!?! Ugh!

So now I’m in serious pain (pot makes my headaches worse), angry, and pissed! Off to the reception I go. FML! I was hurting SO bad! I had so much pain, the sound made it worse, the movement and light was making everything worse. I was so so sick. I had taken 4 times the amount of medicine I was allowed. I was in tears, literally. People kept coming over and yelling in my ear, “What’s wrong with you?” I’m fucking hurting, what’s it look like!!! Ahhhhh!!!!!! I cried almost the whole night. It wasn’t until 5 hours later that my mom finally noticed me and told me to go home. She was pissed, go figure. I stayed because she would make me pay forever if I left. My dad came over after her and said to just go home and if my mom has a problem, she can talk to him. Just great…a family fight again, all my fault.

A few friends came over, they sat with me. My neighbor and his boyfriend came and sat with me. His boyfriend gave me a neck and back massage to help, which did some. Then a slow song came on, he took me to the dance floor and was a nice gentleman about it. Kissed my hand as he took me from the table, held me during the song, told my mom to leave me the fuck alone when she came over (literally!). I loved him for that. He told me out of my whole family, I’m his favorite! : ) That made me smile. If only he wasn’t gay, damn! He could have any girl he wanted between his looks and behavior! But I’m not looking, I have my man, just saying. So the song ended, he kissed my forehead (my favorite kiss) and my hand then walked me back to my table. That was the high light of my night. The only good from the day. I’m so glad for him.

Finally it got late enough, the party slowed down, and I took off. I came home and cried, for hours. I cried myself to sleep, I just cried and cried. Woke up sick the next day, my mom was being a bitch about it and I cried the entire day too. I was in tears all day. And again yesterday, I cried most of yesterday too. And today, I’ve been crying today. I just can’t take anything anymore, I can’t take this life. I started writing letter, then threw them again. I have a list, of people that deserve a letter, rather good or bad, when I’m gone. I started writing to them, to explain everything but how do you explain in a letter to someone why you killed yourself? Is that possible?

My reason might be wrong, but I’m still alive until I can figure out how to say that in a letter. I just can’t stay here anymore. I can’t live this life. I feel so alone, so hurt, so angry…I just don’t know what to do anymore. The pain never stops. Ever. Right now I’m buying a plane ticket, rather I use it or not is undetermined, but I am buying it anyway. I need a break. I don’t know where I’ll go when I get there, where I’ll stay, what I’ll do, but I need to go. I need to leave. I need to get away from the world!

Damn This Hearing

And it strikes again! Some days I really hate the fact that I have excellent hearing and can focus on several things at once, especially conservations. A little update on life at the residence before the story begins…

My brother moved out, but just to our dad’s. Since he has  no job and failed out of community college, he can’t go anywhere but from one home to the other. Dad bribed him of course, offered to buy him a new bigger bed and a better tv if he moved in. Of course my brother took it, why wouldn’t he? It also means he gets away from mom who was pushing him for a job, where dad won’t do that. He also won’t be forced into going back to school.

Part of me is glad he’s gone, the other part…not so much. It’s weird, this entire divorce thing is so weird. I’m used to a house full of people, anywhere from 5-7, maybe more…just people everywhere. Now it’s empty, just myself and the dogs and from time to time my mother. I feel lost. I’m used to a full house. And my mother is driving me nuts because her baby boy isn’t here to bug anymore. My chores have doubled and she always wants me home. She’s finally “trying” to be a mother, but it’s a little too late. I’m an adult now, she should have tried before.

Now that her baby boy isn’t around to take to dinner all the time, she’s bugging me. I finally decided to go to dinner with her the other night and that’s when my damn ears ruined that night. I was chatting with a friend that had called while we waited for our food and my mom was talking to her friend and I overheard the conservation. Apparently the only reason she stayed with my dad for so long was because she didn’t want to have to deal with child custody. So she ruined my life more for her own selfish reasons. She made the decision 15 years ago according to her that as soon as my brother turned 18, the divorce was on. Wonderful.

Here’s a little tip…staying together is usually the WORST decision you could have made for your child! I went through hell and back because they “stayed together”! I used to cry myself to sleep at night just begging God to have them divorce. I just wanted to vanish so bad. I hated life more than anything. I think my life would have been way better had they divorced years ago. I just hope I can make a life for my family that I always wanted growing up. I want to push past my childhood and have a happy adulthood. My only dream growing up was to be loved and happy.

Dear Dad

I officially hate you! I know what you’re thinking…hate is a strong word! Let’s review the definition:

Hate [heyt] verb, hat·ed, hat·ing, noun
verb (used with object)
1. to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry.
2. to be unwilling; dislike: I hate to do it.
You don’t like the word hate? Ok, Dear dad, I intensely and passionately dislike you! There is more hostility now than ever! I detest you! Better? Let’s go through the reasons why, shall we?
  1. You bitch to your friends about me planning and taking a vacation I paid for! Get over it that I didn’t tell you! I was 24 years old at the time…grow up!
  2. You’ve never, not once shown any appreciation, nor pride for me. Thanks! You wonder why I didn’t invite you and mom to my fire department graduation…this is number one why!
  3. You beat my ass any given chance.
  4. You put me down every given chance.
  5. You pick on me.
  6. You never have anything positive to say to or about me.
  7. You treat me like some pile of shit you walked in.
  8. You make sure I feel worthless.
  9. You treat me like a child! Sign MY car over to me already!
  10. You lie to your family about me!
This list could go on forever. But what broke me down today, worse than before? What made me cry? What cause my man to come over and take care of me? The below conservation, word for word. Yes, that is the exact way his texts came through.
From me: I would appreciate if you signed my car over to me. I am a 25 year old adult and you cannot control me anymore. The car is mine, I paid for it and you have never paid a penny since I’ve owned it. I’d also appreciate your family, especially your mother, not blaming me for the divorce. I work 5 jobs AND go to school! I’m not like your son, you can’t expect me to be around, even mom doesn’t see me so I’m sorry but learn to deal with it. You can’t expect me to just forget everything you have done to me over the years, it doesn’t work like that. Once you make an effort like other people have to start treating me better and like an adult than I’ll come around more. Cut me out of your will, life, I don’t care, I will no longer subject myself to being treated crappy. I am an adult and when you start acting like a civilized one than I will be around more.
From my dad: All you care about is you and i will sign when i have time like you you are the one who treats everyone crappy
From me: Grow up.
From my dad: You are the one who should grow up only tome i ever heat from you is when you want something just like right now
It wad never all me or you it is a combo of us
From me: I never said I was perfect but I never deserved what you put me through. I word 5 jobs!! Excuse me if my time is limited! What VERY little time I have off is spent doing work I have to do. I don’t get evenings and weekends off.
From my dad: I never said that all you could do Ian call because when i call you act like i am bother you that might not be right but that is how it feels and i know you work alot i am proud of what you have become

At this point I gave up and just stopped all communication. Fuck him! Pardon my language! I’m not perfect and I’ll be honest, I make zero effort to contact or go see him! Hell, I didn’t even go over to get my Christmas present until the end of February and didn’t get my birthday present until 3 months later. Why should I come see him?! The man used to beat me for no real reason, just because he was angry. He beat me so hard one night I blacked out and woke up to my mom screaming my name. I still remember the first time he hit me, or at least the first time I remember being hit.

It was a stormy night, my sister would shut up. We were in the first house then, just a little two bedroom so I was sharing bunk beds with my sister and my brother was in there too. Tiny house! Anyway, my sister wouldn’t shut up and couldn’t fall asleep because of the storms. I finally told her to be quiet or we’ll be in trouble. I’m not sure why but I had an irrational fear of him then. When I told her to be quit it was my voice my dad swore he heard, not hers talking to whole time. He called me out to the living room when him and my mom were watching tv. Told me to come over to him and popped my ass so hard I couldn’t move. I cried for hours. My mom was shocked. She comforted me for a while but finally told me to shut up already and go to sleep. I couldn’t believe it. From then on I was scared to death and knew my fate.

That was not the only time he hit me, slowly those hits turned into beating. I remember one day, in our third house, he threw me into the wall, when I bounced off he knocked me across the head. Down I went, not out, but down for the count. I couldn’t get up. Couldn’t move. It hurt bad. There was another moment in our third house, he beat me in front of the neighbors. He was getting bolder by then. He let me have it. Held me down and punched me in the arm, back, then head. That’s when people stopped coming over. That’s when people stopped “fighting for me.” I was on my own after that.

There is one final day in our third house that stands out in my memory more than others. I was working 3 jobs and going to school. It was 2 retail jobs, tutoring, and full time student. It was exhausting! Monday-Friday I was up at 4am, off to job 1 from 5am-10am. At 10am I left for school, 45 minutes south of work, school was from 11am-12pm. After school I had to tutor student for an hour, until 1pm. At 1pm I left to drive back 45 minutes north to the same location, but different building for job 2, which I had to be at by 2pm. I worked job 2 until 11pm. Drove 30 minutes home and started the cycle all over again at 4am. Saturday and Sunday was job 1/job 2 in the morning followed by the other job in the evening. Working 7 days a week, taking classroom classes 5 days a week, and two online classes.

One night during this time frame I got a text from my dad bitching about how dirty our room was. I say “our room” because I shared it with my sister. I wasn’t home enough to make a mess and I did the best I could to keep it clean, but he was pissed. I got home at 11:30 that night to every single item out of my closet, out of my dresser, off shelves, out from under my bed…EVERYTHING in my room piled on the floor. I was LIVID! In fact that doesn’t even begin to describe how pissed I was! And to top it off I was told I had to clean it ALL before I was allowed to go to bed! I still had homework and had to be up at 4am for work…that didn’t matter.I was dead tired the next day. Exhausted beyond belief. I was so tired that I fell asleep behind the wheel. Scariest moment of my life. By God’s grace I managed not to wreck or hit anyone but from that moment on I swore things would change. I got a boyfriend (stories on later, now asshole ex), changed majors, changed jobs, and stayed away from home as much as possible. My life changed after that.

This same father, who has done numerous other things, expects me to just drop by, call and chat, like nothing ever happened…I don’t think so! You have taken too much control of my life and ruined too much happiness for me. I’m done! I am determined to stay strong and stand up for myself! I will no longer subject myself to that treatment. You abused me too many times! I’m done! So when Father’s Day comes…I will NOT be spending it with my father! I will be celebrating the people who stood in his place and showed me the love and help me when I need it most.

I know this picture will probably piss some people off, I’m sorry, but it’s kind of funny. Dad’s running from responsibility…I know a lot of that and color has NOTHING to do with it! I just need a laugh and this picture made that happen. Sorry folks, please refrain from negative comments, this is my blog and I am going to share anything that makes me laugh, just like the following, it made me laugh too!

Cashew (noun) – The sound of a nut sneezing.

Thank you for the laugh GrouchyRabbit!

And So It Begins

Warning: This post will be random and all over, I’m not sure where exactly this post will go, just so you know.

First, the game has begun. The Captain was notified that he is to report to the Assistant Police Chief as soon as he reports for duty. He if flipping out! He’s texting everyone, asking why he needs to go there, and honestly, the people he is texting do not know. I know why but I’m not about to tell him, besides he never asked me.

This guy is the type of person that if you told him his mom was here looking for him, he’d flip out and question you non-stop until he got here on why his mom was here, he’s just that guilty and scared all the time. I have this problem too, but it’s not because I’m guilty of anything, it’s a product of my past, something that I am also working on. So now we wait…in about 3 hours he should be arriving from class, given his letter, escorted to his car, then escorted out of town by PD, mostly for the safety of those employees on duty today, more specifically for me. The Chief is concerned about him trying to come after me and blame me for this given our history. Honestly I could take the guy, but I’d rather not have to try.

More on this soon, for now, the next topic.

While I’m discussing topics, let’s talk about Topix for a moment. Have you seen this crap?!?! If not, it’s probably better you never look at it, especially if you live in a small town like where I work. People are brutal! It’s horrible! Posting peoples full names, addresses, bad things about people..it’s just horrible! I am all for protecting my First Amendment right, but this site really needs to go. It’s cause a suicide in one of the towns I currently work in…it’s just bad news bears!

People recently got on there and started bitching about the ambulances being left running when the crews go out to the store or eat and just being out of the station to begin with…I’d like to discuss this a moment for all you people out there, especially those that are bitching about this.

First, crews leaving the station in the truck…”you’re wasting our gas and tax dollars”…fair point, but let me show you more sides of this. Where I work we are allowed to take a pager and go anywhere within the city limits we’d like, cool, but we RARELY do this if we are on the next up truck to be dispatched. So lets say I’m on the next up truck, you don’t like us using the trucks to run and get food, I decide to take my own car (not a big deal). I drive down the street, have to cross the highway because the stores aren’t on this side, wait in traffic and stop lights, get down and start getting my food from the store. As I’m inside getting food the pager goes off. I have to drop everything, go to my car, get back across the highway and wait in all the lights because it’s illegal for me to run them, get to the station, look up the address, then respond. How long do you think that takes? No instead, we took the truck to get food…a call came in. We drop everything, go to the truck, look up the address, and respond…no driving to pick the truck up. If you were the one that needed me at that very second, you’d be happy I had the truck right? It’s only ok if you need me, right? Is that how it works?

Now the second, leaving the trucks running, and this seems to be a major problem with people, especially with “tree huggers” (pardon my choice of words). We carry life saving equipment, including medications which are designed to only be stored within a certain temperature range, some of which is about 10 degree range. Without the truck running, it’s unable to maintain a certain temperature. In the winter it can keep the cold out better, but in the dead of summer those trucks heat up FAST! It can be very bad and VERY expensive to replace all the medications. Have you ever noticed that trucks are always parked inside “bays” when at the station? These bays are temperature regulated and help protect the medication from hitting the temperature extremes. So you don’t want us to leave the truck running…fine, lets turn it off and let it heat up in our 100 degree summer. Now you call 911…we respond but can’t use the medication to help you because the temperature is too hot. You’re also mad at us because it’s burning up inside the truck. Sorry, you bitched about it being left running. It takes a while for the AC to be able to catch up, we don’t have the money to afford specific AC units for the box part of the ambulance like some places. Have you ever tried to warm up or cool off a van or SUV from the 1990’s or older…takes a while, doesn’t it?

It is a proven fact that you can’t please 20% of people. You can offer 100 people $100 and 20 of them will not be happy. Some will be mad that they now have to pay high taxes because they are in a different tax bracet. Other’s might complain that your $100 “gift” means they have to pay $120 to their accountant to fill out different paperwork, so now it costs them more money. You can never please everyone. So despite everyone complaining, we will still continue to eat and when the temperature is extreme, we will be leaving the trucks running. Sorry, you’ll just have to bitch and complain, it’s not going to change. I’m off my soapbox…for now. : )

I’m still looking for another good book to start reading. I feel lost right now not reading anything. I loved Fifty Shades but man I wish I hadn’t read it so fast! It was SO good and I couldn’t wait to keep reading, but it ended too fast for me. I miss it, miss the story and heading the next adventure in their lives. Now what…? I don’t know what to read now, I need another good book! Help!! Any suggestions out there? I really hate when a good book ends!

The wait continues…I have typed all that within 30 minutes and now I wait some more…

Tonight I’m going to meet my man and we plan on talking some, discussing our future together. I can’t wait to spend my life with him and we have the same ideas about raising children. He currently has 3, and though I get along with them, they are pretty useless. The oldest has no job, bumming off his dad, living at home, about to lose his car cause it can’t pass inspection. The second youngest got knocked up early, living with her unstable boyfriend, no job for either of them, living off state money, and bumming off her dad. The youngest at least has a job, but she’s a royal bitch and downright evil to her dad. They are horrible. And he feeds it a lot, though that has changed more recently with my guidance. He gives them everything and allows them to feed off him. He complains that they are independent but he continues to allow that, which he’s been working on. I can’t blame him fully, his wife ran off when the youngest was just 4 and he’s been on his own, giving them what they want to make up for what she did.

We’ve both agreed how we want it when we have kids, we want the same things. We want them to be independent and strong, hard workers like both of us. I refuse to be a crutch for my child, not having that from my parents made me the person I am today, however I refuse to treat my kids the way my parents treated me. I want them to grow up in a loving, caring, and nurturing house but teach them the skills it takes to succeed in life. I really hope I do ok. I’m determined to break the cycle! I pray I will not treat my children like my parents treated me, I don’t want them to suffer and be on their own, I want them to know I’m there for them! I don’t want them struggling with suicide like I did. I just don’t want that.

This has been quit the post today. I don’t want it to get too long. I have been full of words more lately, opening up more, this is all thanks to my friend/counselor. He has helped me SO much and is helping me get to the place I want to be. One day I will be where I need to be and it will be thanks to him. I can’t wait to be “normal” and have a “normal” life and get past my past. One day.

Now, I continue to wait…if I am unable to entertain myself, expect more posts…don’t worry, I will update you once the Captain is escorted out. I really do hope, for my sake and any other girl that might start working here, that today is the last day we ever see him.

Day One

My first official day at the new job and it was awesome!! I was so scared and nervous, which I still am slightly because I’m finally working as a medic, but they made me feel like a fit! Everyone was so nice and helpful! I still have a lot to learn and I’m scared shitless about being a medic on my own, but it’s so exciting! It’s always slightly difficult starting a new job, learning the ways, what to do, and how everyone operates, but that will come in time. I feel like I fit in great so far and every single person I have met has been just extra nice and helpful…rural areas are always so much better than cities! People are just all around nicer! I can’t wait to start working more hours there and phase out at the hell I’m stuck in now! In fact, I sent my Chief a letter informing him of my new job (which he helped me get with an amazing letter of recommendation):

Chief *******,

I am writing today to inform you that I am starting a new career and will be working less shifts with (our organization) after June 2012. I am by no means quitting (said job), I am just informing you that my hours will be less. If CPR classes are needed, PR events need staffed, or anything else is needed in town, please feel free to e-mail or call me anytime. If it does not conflict with my schedule, I am more than willing to help.

Due to recent activities within the EMS department, I can no longer continue to work as many hours as I have. I am sorry for giving this information after all you have done for me, however I can not continue working with the staff and enjoy my job. It is time for me to cut back for my own self. But please know, I am not quitting and am more than willing to teach, work events, and continue to operate as an EMT on the ambulance.

I am not giving up, but I am unable to work as often at (our organization) with the staff. I am worn out from being one of the few that help out and work. Due to the supervisory staff and lack of support, I feel I am being poorly treated and can no longer continue to come to work and function to the best of my ability. It is a struggle to do my job without wanting to complain or feel like I need to yell at a fellow employee. I do not like this part of myself and want to prevent it from happening. I feel very little appreciation for the work I do and rarely get help.

Thank you for everything you have taught me, I appreciate your training and knowledge to help start me in this field. It will not go forgotten.

Thank you,
************

The worst days of those who enjoy what they do, are better than the best days of those who don’t. – E. James Rohn

I got sent out on just one call today, crazy considering they have ran over 4,300 calls for the year so far, but the field training officer I was with said I did a great job. He told me I’d fit in great here and am doing very well for myself. That’s very exciting considering it’s my very first day and I only ran one call! All the medics I rode with on my student time for paramedic school always said what an awesome job I did, but I’m not completely sure where they got that idea…I feel scared and sometimes completely lost!! I guess that comes with being a new medic, but the people I ride with say I do awesome all around. They have said I have great paramedic skills and I am great with the patients too. I never want to stop learning and hope to become the paramedic everyone claims I already am.
Besides working like crazy I have been spending as much time as I can with my awesome man. : ) He’s so good to me and for me! Recently a fellow bloggers left a comment about cutting ties with family. This happens to be something I have thought about very much and I’d like to share my thoughts here so they can get out of my head. I have read a lot before about abused children and cutting ties with their family, I have had a discussion with a close friend/personal therapist, and I think this would truly be the best choice for me.
My family can be extremely toxic and bring me down a lot, some days they don’t know they are doing it, other days they seem to get joy out of it, and none of it is good for me. I need to get myself away from them to heal fully. There are now two reasons for me to cut ties with my family if they don’t straight up their act. One is the abuse, I need time to heal. The other reason is being in my age gap relationship. I have had this discussion with my older man and he knows the sacrifice I may have to make, and he fully tried to walk away, I told him no. I refuse to let my family stand in the way of our relationship and how amazing it has been for my life.
I’m having a very hard time lately getting my mind to focus fully, next time i will not let my medicine run out. I am going to watch The Blind Side, if you’ve never seen it or read the book then I highly suggest you go now!! I will watch this movie and then maybe later tonight or this week I can refocus and write everything racing in my mind. Good night world! : )