I’m angry. I’m scared. I’m alone. I’m hurt.
I feel betrayed. I feel abandoned. I feel forgotten.
Tonight I hurt. Tonight I cry alone. Tonight I try to heal.
What has happened to cause my last post? Well, honestly, nothing worse than normal. It doesn’t matter if things are going well, I still get the passing thoughts of not wanting to be a part of this life. I just don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to feel pain or hurt, but I don’t want to feel love either. The “love” I have felt hasn’t been real, it’s just been people claiming to love me. I’m incapable of being loved, that’s been made clear.
So what happened to make things worse? Well, my best friend abandoned me. The one person I could talk to about anything, the one person that was always there for me, the person I could go to for anything, and the person I could rely on has left me. My mentor, my friend, he left. He blocked me and left. Why? I don’t know. I don’t know what happened. I just know he’s gone and I clearly meant nothing to him. I feel so betrayed and so abandoned.
I was suppose to start school again, which has been a huge fear of mine because of my dyslexia. He promised to be here to help me anyway he could. But that too was a lie.
I was diagnosed with dyslexia in 3rd grade but my parents took me out of the special program and told the school they had the wrong kid. So guess who never got help? I read at a 3rd grade level, essentially I can’t read. It causes a lot of anxiety for me, it always has. Do you know how much help there is available for adults with dyslexia?! None! No help in college because I didn’t receive it through grade school. No programs for adults with dyslexia, nothing. My friend was helping me try to find help, but he’s gone now. I’m starting school on my own and the one person I could share my fears with is gone.
I have no one to talk to, no one to share with. I feel so completely alone and abandoned. I’m scared. I’ve spent days crying out of fear, anger, and hurt. I have so much anxiety about starting school that I can’t deal with it anymore. I don’t know how. The person that was helping me learn to manage and deal with my feelings has left. I am once again on my own. I will always be alone.
I miss my friend. I miss having that person there to laugh with, share with, talk to about anything. I miss having that one person that seemed to care about my wellbeing. But I’m starting to realize he never really cared. It was all pretend. I meant nothing to him. I mean nothing to this world. I am replaceable.
How am I suppose to convince patient’s they need to go to the hospital because they feel suicidal when I have no desire to live? Do I have a plan? No. Do I pray for something to happen to take me off this earth? Every day.
How can I help someone when I can’t even help myself?
Have you ever cooked dinner for someone, spend all day making a cake for them, only to have them yell at you for it? And tell you to NEVER do it again?
I’m upset and I’m angry. I spent my entire, and only, day off making that cake only to get yell at for it. Never once hearing a thank you.
Next year the day will come and go, not one word will be spoken about it. No more dinner, no more cake, no more acknowledgement of the day.
I feel shittier than I’ve ever felt before. I feel like a real idiot. I don’t even want to go back to work. I can’t afford to call off, I need the money, but I think this time I’m going to call off. I don’t want to go back.
It hurts. Some friend. Friends don’t do that. Friends don’t yell at someone for making them a cake.
I’m still here physically, not so sure about mentally. I want out, I want a break, I need to leave. I’m constantly getting passed up for full time work despite working my ass off every single day I am at work. I’m being passed up for other employees that are lazy as fuck and never even do their job, let alone any extra work like I often do. I love my job, absolutely love what I do. I fucking hate my coworkers and their laziness while they sit around and bitch. You have a full time job with benefits, shut the fuck up!
I’ve decided to return to school, which won’t be easy at all. I can’t afford it, and I definitely can’t afford to do it in classroom, I can’t take off work enough for that. But I’m scared about attending the classes online because I’m so dyslexic. I can’t read higher than a 3rd grade level, I’m not sure I can do online classes and actually pass.
I’m pretty good at many things and great at figuring out stuff myself, but unfortunately employers want an actual degree. I’ve been making some decent money doing side work and odd jobs but it’s just not enough. I wish I could afford to go into business for myself, I think I could do well at that but I just don’t have the money or the ability. I wish I could get paid to travel and take pictures. I just want to run away and live on a little island and not deal with people anymore. Who’s with me?
As for the rest of my life, I’m just living it. My family is on me about finding someone and settling down and having kids. Which is what I want to do, would love to do, but my generation SUCKS! They think the bar is a date and I don’t drink so that pretty much guarantees I’ll be single forever. My childhood taught me that I hate being around alochol and I’m not into the one night stand thing. That’s all they want, a nice one night stand, a fuck buddy and moving on. I’m just not into that, that’s not me at all. I want a relationship, a meaningful relationship, not a fuck buddy. Now, I’m not saying you can’t have one or if you have that it’s wrong, but it’s just not me.
I was recently ask what my goals are, what my plan is. Am I where I planned to be? What do I want to do with my life? What next? Where am I going? Where do I see myself next? I didn’t answer, I just sat there quietly as my mind wondered.
My first thought was I want to do everything, I want to accomplish so much. I wish I had the time and money for school because I’d love to do so much. I want to become fluent in another language, I want to better my sign language skills, I want to develop apps, I want to create software to help people, but most of all I want to learn how to read. I wish more than anything I could read.
My second though wasn’t as happy. As I sat there thinking I realized something, I never planned on being here this long. I never planned on living this long. I used to make deals with myself when things were at their worse, just one more day, one more. Give it one more chance. I knew no one else was going to save me, I had to save myself. That’s how it’s always been. The only person here for me is me, that’s the only person that will ever be here for me.
I never planned to see this day but I never planned to stop it either. I’m stuck in between, sort of in limbo. I still tell myself just one more day, one more chance. I hold onto the maybe and the hope. I hope one day someone will give me the reason to stay for good but I know deep down the only reason to stay is for me.
I stay because I can’t let myself go.