Stage: Anger

The worse thing happened today and I can’t even talk about it. My man is suffering, which makes me suffer but I can’t talk about it! Life is so fucked up right now and I’m so angry! I’m beyond angry, I’m pissed off! Pissed off at her! Pissed off at my coworkers for being selfish assholes! I’m just ducking pissed! 


Fuck Your Obama”care”!

Just when things were looking up for me the government decided they “knew what was best” and fucked me over. I don’t work a “normal” job and you die hard, brainwashed Union supports can just leave your comments out! I’m not in the mood so shove them up your ass along with your head!

I lost all my overtime and gained MASSIVE increased on my insurance. I went from paying $130 a month, with TWO pre-existing conditions to paying $340 a month! That’s one and a half fucking paychecks! I don’t qualify for any assistance because I’m a RESPONSIBLE adult that believes in WORKING for what I have! I didn’t get myself knocked up, I got an education, don’t drink, don’t party, and pay my bills. What did this get me? A big fuck you from my country!

Today I got notice that my new price will be nearly $400 a month! Are you fucking kidding?!? That is TWO paychecks! I’m already starving myself with one full mean and small snacks each down, trying to get by. Now what the fuck am I suppose to do?! I have to have my phone for work otherwise I wouldn’t be able to know about open shifts to pick them up, nor would I be able to get myself scheduled in the timely manor I do to ensure my regular shifts. I have to have car insurance, can’t cut that. I have to pay on my student loans, which I took out to earn a degree and license to function as a paramedic. Only to find out that I could be paid more at McDonalds. Does that scare you? The person asking, “do you want fries with that?” makes more money than the one you call for help and expect a miracle from when your loved one stops breathing.

If I don’t get this job, I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. Either I go uninsured just so I can eat. Or I find the tallest bridge to jump off of because I literally can’t afford to live anymore. I would like to thanks the “affordable” care act for making that jump possible.


Why have I been absent from here? Why haven’t I written? Where have I been?

I’ve been here. Still living life, fucked over by ObamaCare, or CrapCare as we call it. Just when things are finally starting to go good for me, the government comes along and fucks me over. The cut in hours and increase in insurance and medical cost is screwing me royally. Then my dog had major surgery and is now on a special diet. I starve myself to make sure he gets his food and medicine because he’s the only one that loves me. He’s all I have. I refuse to see him suffer.

Before you liberal supporters start in, let me explain something. What the fuck did you think was going to happen to part time hours?!? You can’t just create full time spots! ESPECIALLY in a business run off tax dollars when people won’t vote to pay higher taxes. You can’t just demand my job offers that when they can barely get by as it is. At least they were paying me overtime! At least I had that going for me and thanks to your dumbass ideas, I lost it! lost all my over time and now have to pay 4 times MORE a month for insurance because you decided we need to cover everyone. This doesn’t fix anything! It creates a bigger problem and I’m left to suffer! Just when things were getting better. I work almost daily and the few days I do have off I spend trying to find more work. Another job, odd jobs, fixing stuff for people, building crap…anything to get by.

I am literally living off bread and butter, Ramon noodles, and soup. Why? Because I can’t afford to eat. I can’t afford to buy food, I get whatever is on sale and eat two “meals”, if that what you call it, a day. My doctor is on me about my weight being too low, several over my coworkers have noticed, but I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone it’s because I can’t afford to eat. And I don’t qualify for any assistance because I’ve been a responsible person. I don’t have kids, I live alone, it’s just me and the dog. But it’s ok, continuing life like this will probably kill me sooner, which is good. Less suffering. The sooner it’s all over the better.

So why haven’t I written? Because I can’t get the shit out of my head, I can’t get my thoughts straight and I can’t afford the medicine to help me. I’m stuck and there’s nothing I can do. That’s just life. I deal with it. I’m worthless like my mother always told me. I’m replaceable. 

Truth Is

Nobody cares but you. You are the only person that will always be there for you. You have to care because no one else will. That’s reality. You fight these battles alone and the demons are all your own. No one will fight with you so they certainly aren’t going to fight for you.

I am replaceable.

I am easily forgotten.

If you don’t need me, I don’t exist.

I will always be there for you. I will always be there for everyone that needs me. That is my only purpose in life, that’s the only reason I’m still here.

I will always be here for you because I know what it’s like to have no one. I have no one.

Silently Slipping By

I’m still here, always reading your posts but never saying much. I’m stuck in a rut I can’t get out of, but don’t worry my two coworkers, and new found “friends”, are looking out for me. Trying to get me to break free and live a “normal” life. They tell me they worry about me but I keep telling them they don’t need to. After all these years I’m still here, clearly something wants me around. Probably just to stuff, but it’s obvious I’m not going anywhere right now. 

I’ve Been Thinking…

And reading, I’ve been reading all your posts, I just don’t get to respond.

But I was thinking the other day, reflecting I guess you could say, on my childhood. I realized something i hadn’t thought about before…I’m still alive because I was too afraid of my parents to kill myself. How messed up is that? I feared them so much I couldn’t even go through with my plan. I guess you could call that sad…whatever, it was life.

I guess in some ways it’s good I’m still here, despite the fact that I have no money, I’m struggling worse than ever thanks to Obamacare, when you back a law you should check and see who it really hurts! I’m stuck at home even longer and it makes me want to just disappear. I can’t even afford to go to the doctor and I’ve been sick for week. I can barely afford to eat and my meals include random things, fruits, vegetables, meats, and whatever else I can afford to cook. Why isn’t Obama helping me?!?

Don’t answer that. Anyway, I have to get to bed, I literally work every single day and still don’t manage well. It’s killing me. I can’t afford time off, I can’t afford to work either.

Take care all, I read any time I have internet.

Hello 2015, I sure hope you’re better to me…

Hello all! I know I’ve been gone for a while but I just couldn’t bring myself to write anything. 2014 sure went out with a bang and I’m still not completely over it. I will try to keep this all together, say as much as I can, and try to ensure it all makes some sense.

In the beginning of December I ran a coworker in cardiac arrest, this was an outstanding person that was the best at their job! I couldn’t believe it at all, it still feels unreal to this day, all of it. I keep thinking what if things had been different, what could we have done different, did we do everything we could? The worse feeling in the world is standing in the ER and listening to the doctor call the code, my heart just dropped. This happened fairly early into the shift and for those of you that have been following me…yes, this was at hell job. Needless to say the bitch in charge did NOT relieve myself and the other coworker that knew the patient from duty, despite being able to keep a truck in service, we got no opportunity to go home. Yes, I was stressed, I was very stressed because it was job after job after that.

Fast forward exactly one week and I was forced to resign or get fired from hell job. I was working with this new asshole that has to be in everyones business and I just wanted him to go away! Leave me the fuck alone!!!! He just didn’t stop! Things happened on a call, I blocked his hand from touching something and that was the end of that job. He said, “if you touch me we’re going to have a problem.” Fat fuck gets to threaten me and get away with it!! That’s what pisses me off the most! He wouldn’t stop yelling while I tried to explain. Then he said I hit him, then it was I shooed him, then I grabbed his hand and threw it…yes, he couldn’t keep his damn story straight and I’m out a job, no his fat ass! Not to mention, he’s easily 380lbs, maybe more, and I’m maybe 110 soaking wet…but I hit him…? Are you fucking kidding me?! I’m afraid his fat ass will squish me! I wouldn’t “hit” any part of that! Fucking asshole!

Long story short, I’m out a job, about half of my income, and thanks to this fucking Obama care that’s already killing me, I’m really struggling! No where is hiring! I’m even applying for retail jobs and factory work, literally NO ONE is hiring! I can’t pay my bills and to make matters worse my dog had major surgery to save his life. This fucking blows!

So…that’s life right now. I don’t really want to talk about much else at the moment but if you don’t hear from me for a while it’s because I haven’t been anywhere with internet. I just want you to know I’m not gone, just…stuck. I hope everyone has a wonderful start to 2015!