Dear True Friend

Why? Why did you have to leave me? Why did you have to hurt me so much? Why did you make me trust you? Why did you promise to always be here for me when you knew it wasn’t true.

I’m still here. Alone. And hurting more than I thought was possible. You hurt me. You hurt me bad. But I don’t want revenge. I just want to know you’re ok and happy. I worry about you more than I’ve ever admitted. And right now I hate you for that. I hate that you made me worry about you.

I would give anything right now to mend this broken heart! Please just let me know you’re ok.

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Wants, Not Needs

Tonight I miss my “friend” more than I care to admit. It hurts. Why? Why does it still hurt? I feel so alone, so abandoned, and so forgotten.

It’s just not for me…

So it’s been a while that I’ve been trying counseling again. After several very bad experiences it took a lot to go back, but I did. I like my counselor, found her out of pure luck basically, but I just don’t know if it’s for me in general. I’m doing better overall, I have my days. I have some good friends that have been helping me when they can. I still miss my friend a lot, more than I care to admit, and I’m angry about it but that’s life, I just have to deal with it. I’m trying to stay focused on school and remind myself that as much as I “need” him in my life, I don’t need him. I can do this. He abandoned me, though the reason may be valid, he still abandoned me and it’s a simple fact. I don’t need him and I will be much better off without him around. I can do this. I really can….I hope…

I know after years of the abuse I have suffered I do need the counseling, I need my brain rewired and that won’t be easy. Not after hearing what a worthless piece if shit I am my whole life. So I will stick to trying counseling a little longer, we will see what happened. Right now I have worked myself to complete exhaustion which seems to help me in general. I do better when my brain is too tired to work. I need to keep this up. Keep it busy on anything to avoid thinking about things I shouldn’t be. I will get better, I think. I am trying. I’m still here, just living one day at a time.

It’s been one month

Give or take a few days. One month since you left my life, since everything changed. I never thought it could hurt so much to lose a friend but life has a funny way of teaching us lessons. I learned a lot this month. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me how painful life is. I’m taking things one day at a time, trying to remember my purpose in life. Do I even have one?

Title Me

Well this week has been…uh, interesting. So after MANY years of avoiding counseling I finally grew up and tried it again. Let’s just say past experience has been bad, very bad. I had one literally tell me everything in my life was my fault. Yes it is, I know that, but would a good counselor tell a person that? It didn’t seem right to me so I stopped going. Then the second one basically told me the same thing without using those exact words. I stopped going to that one too, Why pay to have someone tell me everything is all my fault when I already knew that? What help is that? Aren’t counselors suppose to help?

After a lot of research I found a counselor that seemed to fit, she had experience with people like me and wasn’t far away….or so I thought. Turns out she moved, far away. I was nervous but she suggested this video counseling. Meaning despite not being in the same state, she would still be able to work with me. Hmmm….well, I don’t have to drive anywhere for an appointment…? Sign me up! She seemed very nice over the phone, answered all my questions and asked some of her own. She suggested an appointment in 3 days….uh…do I sound that bad? But ok, I will give it a try. I’m scared, anxious, and nervous but taking the first step I know I’ve needed for a very long time.

So how did the first appointment go? Well, it went surprisingly well. She was super nice, listened, asked questions, wasn’t judgmental at all. All the things I believe a counselor should be. I felt comfortable, which doesn’t happen often. In fact, the only other person I felt comfortable talking to was my friend that left me. Now the best news about this counseling? Since I haven’t changed to the crap Obamacare plan and pay out the ass for my insurance, I found out it covers these appointment 100%. I pay absolutely nothing out of pocket. And to think, I almost dropped that coverage. 4 appointments in a month is the same as my monthly payment for insurance so I guess I will keep it for now.

Anyway, the appointment went well and she wants to continue to work with me until I need someone locally to help me. She’s also helping me in other ways by gathering some information for me. Information that will help me in life and I am grateful for that. It was the same information my “friend” was helping me with, but he’s gone now. Overall I’m angry at him for leaving, which in some ways is good, it means I hurt less. But I have my moments that I hurt, like today. I feel sad but then I feel angry and get past it. I hate him for abandoning me but I am grateful for my other friends that have been here for me. It’s funny…the two things my “friend” was pushing me to do, telling me I needed to do for myself are exactly what I am doing now that he is gone. I am doing this for me.

Tonight’s Thoughts

Well I finally got an update on my “friend”…turns out he wasn’t as great of a friend as he claimed to be. 10 years of friendship was nothing but a lie. He is acting himself and telling everyone he is great, doesn’t seem to be upset at all. Guess he wasn’t that good of a friend as I thought, seems he truly didn’t care. I’m hurt and angry now. He used me to make himself feel better and when I needed that friend and person the most he walked away. I was in a crisis and he turned his back and blocked me…that’s not a friend. I thought it was over the situation with his crazy wife, but I guess not. I don’t think he ever actually cared. That hurts me more than I can say because every time I truly need someone, they always walk away. That is really hurting me right now, because every time I think I’ve found a true friend they just walk away. I don’t mean anything to anyone. That’s reality.

Before this “friend” left me he was the biggest encouragement for me to go back to school. I am now doing that on my own and am as anxious as can be about it. He was going to be here to help me, to read for me, but not anymore. Very few people know that I can’t read, very few people know how bad my dyslexia is, and he was one of those few. He promised to be here to help me, but he lied. Like I said, I’m angry now. But I will use that anger to push as hard as I can to get through schooling. I will do this to prove I don’t need him or anyone else in my life.

He also encouraged me to seek help from my past…with the help of another friend I am now doing that. I’ve been avoiding going back to a counselor for years after two VERY bad experiences. I had one counselor tell me that everything happening to me was my fault. Yes, you read that right. That is what I was told. So I decided to try one more, they pretty much told me the same thing without using the exact words. So now, 14 years later I’m finally going back. And the short conversation I had on the phone with this lady already made me feel comfortable with her. That’s a good start, right? I hope it is.

Though we’re not together anymore because of major trauma in his life, my man is still here for me and encouraging me to better myself. He was there when I talked to the counselor on the phone and after I hung up he told me how proud of me he is. He had a lot of positive reinforcement and has been trying to calm my fears about going back to counseling. He also knows about my inability to read but because of my high IQ he doesn’t believe it’s true. He refuses to believe I can’t read and hasn’t been much help there. But lately when he’s helped me study he has started to see me struggle and I think he is starting to understand just how bad my ability to read is.

So how am I doing? I’m extremely anxious, more anxious than I can imagine. But I’m trying to get it under control and focus on school. I hope and pray I can get through this. It’s going to be hard but having someone to focus my mind on helps me. I need to keep my mind busy. It’s the only thing that helps me. Right now I need to stay angry and remember he wasn’t a friend. He left me when I needed someone the most and that is NOT a friend.

On a little side note, does anyone reading this have some suggestions and recommendations for apps to help a dyslexic? Preferably cheap ones. I found an amazing one that can read anything to me, just snap a picture and it reads…yea…for only $100! I don’t have that kind of money. I so wish I did but I don’t so anyone know of anything like that that isn’t so expensive?