Early Christmas!

Today was a pretty good day, minus the sinus infection I woke up with! I was stuck in hell with Chief Bitch but I spent as much time as possible avoiding her. In fact, I spent all day avoiding her! I spent the day with my man, except for the few calls we had. Since we both work the next couple days and aren’t sure we’ll actually be able to see each other on Christmas we decided to do gifts today, just in case. He loved his! I was so excited! And he was so surprised!

Last year for Christmas, my man got me and Xbox, which he refers to as my “therapy” device. I used Call of Duty to suppress my anger, boy does it help! After my brother moved in with my dad I was Xboxless and last year my man fixed that for me! I was SO happy! We this year he out did himself again!! While I was hiding out with him, he gave me one gift and told me to use it right away. Since I wasn’t feeling good at all, he knew this would help me and give me something to do…

IMG_2973Ted!!!! : ) I love that movie! It’s funny, sad, and just awesome! Back when my man and I first got together I hated the fact that he couldn’t hold me all night or stay, so he got me a teddy bear to keep with me. We named him Patches. Patches goes everywhere with me!! Even work…but shhh no one knows that! So since Patches came to work and we both went to hide out with my man, then opened this gift, Patches and I watch the movie…sort of. The sinus infection knocked me out for a while. But it was great, my man held me till I fell asleep and then took really good care of me when I woke up. I got very lucky and had just two calls for my truck so avoiding the station was easy.

After we got done with the movie he was too excited for me to wait for some of my other gifts, so he had me open the next one…

IMG_2974Currently we cache with my man’s older eTrex and love it! But it’s outdated, wasn’t designed for geocaching then and just slowed down, so he got me this one!! How cool!! I’m so excited! I had been looking at them for a while, considering it, but knew the one he has was fine for us. Well, he decided that I needed my very own for any adventures I go on and I was extremely surprised about it! I can’t wait to go out and use it!! If only it would freaking warm up here!

He also got me a Kinnect for my Xbox with the Harry Potter game! : ) I was so excited for that too!! I admit…I’m the Harry Potter generation!! And was so excited to see this game come out and even more excited when he picked it out all on his own for me!! He’s great to me!!

He came home with me tonight after work to take care of me, brought me food which I was unable to eat, and rubbed my back until I was calmed down and comfortable. Got me anything I needed and just sat here with me. God I wish he could stay with me! I hated seeing him go SO bad! It hurts! We just had a wonderful little Christmas to ourselves and he has to leave. It hurts so bad.

As for Christmas…every year I make my own cards, but this year I failed miserably because I just mailed them today! Between work, work, and more work I never got a chance to finish them until Wednesday, then Thursday we were so busy I never made it to the post office!! Oh well..I just hope everyone gets them at least by the day after at the latest. Here is a preview of my cards.


Looking at this picture I realize my carpet looks like I haven’t vacuumed…ever. WTF?! I just did it right before this picture…guess I need to try again. I’m off to bed to try and recover from this infection some because my next day off is Christmas Day.

Oh, and Chief Bitch update…she refuses to talk to me, literally! I asked a question today and she ignored me!! Fucker! (Pardon my language) And she finally added me to the schedule…a whole fucking TWO days!!! I went from averaging 20 shifts a month to just TWO FUCKING shifts!!!!!! And it happened as soon as the bitch took over the fucking schedule because she just has to be in control of everything! Can I hit her?? That’s all I want for Christmas!

Bah Humbug!

Tis the season to hate the holiday! Ugh! So my parents are new to this divorce thing, as am I, and it FUCKING SUCKS! In so many ways, but why not start with the recent problems…

Went to put up the Christmas tree today…found out my father took the good tree. So got out the prelit tree, half the damn lights are out on it! Nope, can’t just replace those. Spent an hour cutting off just one strand and said, “fuck it” and left the rest. Went to get the box of lights to put on it…yea, he stole that box. My mother was not please. So went to the store to get the crabby bitch lights, she wasn’t satisfied. Spent $68 to hear her bitch. She likes the mulit-colored. Me? I hate the look so I got just clear and blue. She wasn’t happy. I told her I was returning the damn things and she can get her own lights. She didn’t take that too well. Ended up putting my lights on the tree. Then my brother brought over ONE strand of multi-colored that my idiot father said we could have. ONE FREAKING STRAND!! What is the point?! Seriously!!

I give up. I added that stupid SINGLE strand of multi-colored to satisfied her and left it at that. Didn’t add any ornaments or anything. Then decided that while was the weather was decent (sun out and 43 degrees) that I would do the outside lights. Hey guess what, the fucker stole those too! Zero outside lights! And not only did he steal the lights for outside, he stole ALL the outside decorations too!

Went to fix the shower the other day for my mom…yea, he stole every single tool we had. And I mean down to the last screwdriver! He seems to find this shit funny. Went to clean the garage…he had my brother come “borrow” the blower…didn’t have that. Went to cut the grass…he took the lawn mower again and hasn’t returned it. WTF?! I mean come on! It’s just not getting funny anymore. I can’t do anything because he freaking stole the shit I need. And I refuse to call the asshole or go over to borrow it. He’s been in his house for almost 7 months now, I have been over there TWICE, and it’s about a 3 mile drive away. Oh well.

The good news though, I had my cousins today. They are like my own children. They kept me smiling during it all, which helps. They are all excited, they go new phones (early Christmas present) and have been downloading games and driving me nuts to play! Ha I love it though. The oldest hangs out with me more, he loves coming over. We geocache, which he LOVES, and play Xbox all the time, which we did some today. He’s really excited because I got him an early Christmas present. I got him a $10 gift card to download the geocaching application to his phone and he loves it! In fact, we went caching right after he downloaded it so I could show him how to use it. : )

I had more to report, but my ADHD is kicking in and my adderall hasn’t started working yet. Sorry…I’ll be back once it does. Enjoy the day all! I know I am before I have to go into “hell” job…

Blackest of Days

I remember when Black Friday actually fell on FRIDAY!

Well…holiday number one down and I spent it alone, with no turkey, ham, or any dinner really…I had a bag of chips…what a loser. I didn’t even have any friends or family that wanted to visit me while I was working. I guess I can’t blame them, they have regular jobs and had family plans, but it just sucks royally. Now I just have to survive Christmas…I get to be a lonely loser then too! Another holiday at work…at least the crew is better this time, for now anyway.

Distract Me!

I need a distraction, quick. I’m lonely. I’ll admit it. I spent Thanksgiving completely alone. Not invited by my crew to dinner. My man had his kids over and though I’m sure I could have gone there, I didn’t want to interrupt. And I can’t stand his youngest, she’s just a horrible child. My mom’s side of the family did their stuff earlier today, so I missed that. The only people I wanted to see were my cousins, the boys that have kept me alive. My dad’s side of the family was having stuff later, but I refused to go after work. I just don’t want to see everyone.

So help me. I need a distraction. Ask questions. Tell me a story. Anything. Just distract me!

Turkey Day

Happy Thanksgiving to all my American readers out there. Are you enjoying your Turkey Day? I sure hope you are! I hope it’s filled with family and friends and laughter.

I’m stuck at work today, “hell” job of all places. And of course I’m stuck with ex-lieutenant too…great. So the little weasel (more on him later) is working with me too. The weasel came in this morning asking if I got a text from Mr. Ex-Lieutenant about dinner. Of course I didn’t, no one ever includes me. Apparently Mr. Ex-Lieutenant’s wife is cooking dinner for the crew and bringing the family down. Wonderful. And guess who’s not included on dinner? Yours truly. I don’t blame them though, if I were his wife, I wouldn’t cook for me either after what I did to him. I think I’m going to avoid being there, I don’t want to see her. I know she blames me, everyone does. Who wouldn’t?

So that’s my day. I’m tired, not doing too good, and have no family to go home to for things to get better…I’m a loser. I usually work holidays to avoid the problems, but that’s not helping because work is full of problems.

Day 21

I will start this by apologizing now. I was on a 911 call and forgot to take my second dose of adderall today…I’m a mess. My thoughts are all over! My body is too. I can’t sit still and I’m sure this will take several attempts to finish. I’m sorry. Good luck reading it! : )

Life has been crazy, just all around. Where to begin…guess I should go back in time and work my way forward. Let’s start with the beginning of November, that’s when everything went crazy.

So that ex-Captain, the one that put his hands on me…yea, he got fired. Dumbass. He claims everyone was “out to get him” and “they were just looking for any reason to fire him” which might be true, but when you fuck up, you make it easy for them. The Police Chief is our ultimate boss, he’s the guy you pray you never have to see because if you do, you’re probably in big trouble. Well, since we have a Police Chief in charge, he’s not going to take too kindly for you committing a crime when you’re on the clock. And that’s just what this stupid ass did so he made it extremely easy for them to fire him and the bastard deserves it! I can’t get what he did to me out of my head, I hate the asshole so much and I hope he’s suffering!

Next event…several of the employees at “hell” job hate me…the reasons are any where from doing the work required, to just because. Anyway, one guy that witnessed what this ex-Captain did to me, he hates me for “tattling” on this ex-Captain and someone is taking his side saying I started it…go figure. This guy has taken the “I’m ignoring you 100%” attitude. So much so, that he won’t even acknowledge me on calls…this really messes with patient care. When we get to a call, he won’t let me do anything, and once the patient is in the ambulance he says he’s ready to go and makes me drive.

One particular day we ran 3 calls like this, then I came back to himself and Mr. Ex-Lieutenant laughing about the fact that he won’t let me do anything but drive. Uh…did Mr. Ex-Lieutenant forget that quickly how good my hearing is? And how much trouble he is already in?? WTF?! This hell hole just makes me want to jump off a damn bridge! A few assholes have to ruin everything for me!

Next order of business…life, in general. Between work, stress at home, my grandma, and other stupid shit, I just can’t take it anymore. I’m struggling to keep my head above water, so to speak. It’s just been tough there. I bust my ass, and for what? Nothing but my paycheck, but I do it because I believe in EARNING my paycheck! So I, the lowest paid employee, work my ass off while the highest paid do nothing. I also believe that as a tax paying citizen, you bought my equipment and pay my salary, I refuse to let that equipment look shitty and I won’t let you pay for me to do nothing but sleep 24/7. Hey, safety naps are allowed, but I won’t spend ALL my time sleeping. Since I don’t pay taxes in that town, it’s my duty to keep your stuff in good working and clean order.

Confession time…when I am sitting around at work on down time, with either no more work to do or the weather too bad to do what needs to get done, I’ve been hiding out where ever I can find and planning ways to end it all. And you know what, there are plenty of painless ways at my disposal. I know of ways to get rid of other people too that are damn near impossible to detect. That’s what happens when you have free time, internet, and enough reading capability to figure stuff out. I have ways to make it look like an accident, ways to let people know it was planned and with a reason…there are endless ways out there.

But, I promise to do a 10 day challenge, and I will never break a promise. I do not plan to do any of the things I’ve thought of, but they are always there, in the back of my mind. I will keep my promise and put my focus on something else. Like maybe this becoming a doctor thing…man if I could afford it I’d be signing up right now…I think. My man supports it, but money is always a problem. I can’t afford it in so many ways.

I have a new distraction, something to keep my mind busy when I’m stuck at home and that distraction would be Call of Duty: Black Ops II. I’m so glad my man got me an Xbox for Christmas last year. I get stuck at home, need a distraction, and rarely is he allowed over, so the Xbox was his idea to keep my mind busy and spend less downtime when stuck here. It’s working great right now. I get to kill people, lost some anger and aggression while doing so, and I’m not sitting around thinking about things. I’m going to play for a bit before bed time. Another full day of work tomorrow.

Happy Turkey Day all! I am so thankful for each one of you following my blog, especially those that have reached out to me and are keeping me going right now. Thank you!

Day 20

I would like to thank rocksforbrains for giving me something to be thankful for. Thank you rocks! You have given me a distraction, showed me that someone does care, and are trying to help. I really appreciate it.

I’m having a really hard time right now, worse than it has been in a long time. Thank you for reminding me of things I forget too often. I’m trying hard to get better, I just have so many set backs. There’s no where to go that is “safe” for me.

Today was a major set back, I was stuck at “hell” job with nothing but problems at work. I was stuck with all the asshole and problem children so I sat by myself, hiding out the entire day. Well, almost the entire day…see no one there does jackshit, literally! Not even the full time staff. I spend all my time there doing ALL the chores BY MYSELF! This is how my day goes: clean bathrooms, take out trash, sweep, vacuum, mop, wipe down tables, straighten up, do dishes, clean all 3 ambulances inside and out, disinfect ambulances, and clean ambulance bay. I do all of these things completely alone, sometimes I even have to clean AROUND people because they won’t get up.

Do I have to do this stuff? No, not really, but I’m not going to be lazy, I believe in earning my paycheck…maybe it’s the years of abuse. So I do all this work completely alone, with zero help from the staff making the real money. I bust my ass for nothing. It gets me no where but called the “Chief’s little bitch” and talked bad about daily. I am completely alone and it’s killing me. I sat outside today, by myself in the cold, thinking of ways to end it all. I know rocks…not what you wanted, but I didn’t have any distractions.

At one point one of the detectives drove past and saw me sitting there. We share a common parking lot with police, so they are always around. I pray he didn’t see me, or if he did he didn’t think anything of it, because I really do not want to go another round with the Police Chief. No that he is a bad guy, I just don’t want to go through that. If anyone were to tell him what I’ve been thinking or what I’ve said, he’s probably drive me out himself to get evaluated. I don’t want that. I don’t want him thinking I’m crazy. Yes, I need the help, bad! But I seriously doubt telling will land me in a good place…I just hope no one brings him into this. He will force me to the help I need, that’s for sure, but I don’t know if I’d like him calling all the shots.

It just feels hopeless and lonely right now, but thank you rocks for helping me through this. I really do appreciate it more than you know.