Good Evening

I doubt anyone wondered but I am still alive. I have written like crazy and posted none of it publicly. It’s definitely not stuff I should be thinking, writing, or sharing.

It’s been a rough start to this year and I completely failed my challenge. I love what I do with my job, I hate all this fucking lazy, whinny, money hungry, union brainwashed, assholes I work with!

I do not apologize for this statement and will remove your comments because I can, so get over it.

If you support unions you are a fucking idiot and part of the problem with this country! Please explain why the union does for you besides take your money and pocket it to themselves. It creates “fair working environments”? More like it creates lazy ones!! “Our contract says we don’t have to go outside when it’s above 90 degrees, so no we won’t wash the truck.” But 5 minutes later you are washing your car? Do your fucking job! You get paid to work, fucking work! Quit whining to your damn union that they make you work! You accepted the job, knew what was required, but now you demand higher pay, less work, because you pay the union for that, right? You’re a lazy fuck!

You say it protects your job? Wrong, it protects and supports stupid and lazy! If you got fired, chances are you deserved it! The union should NOT be getting your job back! You’re a fucking asshole that put your hands on me! I fucking hate myself for it and I hate your fucking unions!

How has my year gone? Just fucking dandy!

I apologize for my language, and my language only! Fuck your unions!

30 Day Challenge: Day 4

20131212-192026.jpg

My dream job…

I don’t know that I’ve ever had a “dream job”, I wanted to be everything growing up, I still do. I wanted to join the military, a car accident ruined that. I wanted to be a professional photographer. I wanted anything that helped me travel the world! I wanted to open a dog shelter and help dogs. I wanted to be a professional motocross racer. I wanted to be more things than I can remember.

I can say that except for the politics and asshole employees, I LOVE my current job! It is basically a dream job. However, if I could become anything, I want to be a doctor. If I could afford it, I’d be in school for that right now. But the next best thing? Being a paramedic and running my truck. I can’t do hospital work, I like making decisions and being on my own. If I became a doctor I would totally travel to take care of the less fortunate. So I guess that is basically my “dream job”.

30 Day Challenge: Day 2

20131209-225355.jpg

Day 2 and going strong. Time for 20 facts about me…try to keep up!

1. My mother was 8 months pregnant when she found out she was having twins (surprise!). She named me after the song she heard on the drive home, lucky baby number 1 right here.

2. My childhood was living hell (or at least close to it). My father physically beat me any chance he got, and as an added bonus I got to listen to him call me names and degrade me. My mother loved to remind me how worthless I am, how I will never amount to anything, and make me feel so helpless. Both my parents are extremely controlling, to the point where it effects my daily life, they literally scare me.

3. I LOVE my job and career, but I HATE the politics! So much so that I’ve considered finding a new career.

4. I hate our current president and his clan of mindless idiots. They are ruining this country and his damn color has nothing to do with it, he’s just an idiot! I think the government should be VOLUNTEER positions!

5. I own several handguns that are practically always on me. I will exercise the right to defend myself if you feel the need to threaten me. I pray I never need it, however I will if I have to.

6. I am currently working 7 jobs (yes SEVEN) just to stay afloat! This UNaffordable health care SHIT is drowning me! I can’t make ends meet anymore and it’s killing me.

7. If I could afford to go to school to be a doctor I would! I would love to be an ER doctor or something but I will never be able to afford that.

8. I really wanted to join the military after high school but a car accident paralyzed me from the waist down for several hours and due to a traumatic head injury I can’t even qualify for the National Guard. It hurts me bad that I could never join. I hate it.

9. I love taking pictures and share my work and sell some too. I just wish I had a job that supported more travel so I could get out and capture the world.

10. I am a loser. Between the 7 jobs and basic housework I have no life. Seriously it’s work and home, nothing else. I’m a loser.

11. I don’t drink. Ever. Not even a sip, I refuse to be like my parents. Because I don’t drink I’ll never find a guy, I hate clubs and bars so I’m “weird”…you know, the loser.

12. I made a promise to my man that I would “keep an open mind” at his request. I have always wanted kids and a family but he thinks I should have that with someone my age so we can “grow old together”. He wants me to keep an open mind to any guys out there, encourages me to date and meet new people, and wants nothing nothing more than me letting him know if I’m going on a date, and he wants nothing in return. He just wants me happy. But until someone comes along he is still my man and as much as I want that family, I’m in no rush to leave the man that treats me like a God. He is SO good to me!

13. My dog is my life. He is the only one that is always there for me, loves me no matter what, and has become my best friend. If a rare occasion comes that I’m off work, I don’t want to leave home because my furry buddy can’t go. We will literally lay in bed staring at the ceiling for hours just because I can’t leave him.

14. I love to geocache! It really sucks working so much, I wish I could go more. But what I really wish…I wish someone paid me to geocache and take pictures. How great would that be!

15. I have a horrible case of ADHD! It has been known my whole life. Teachers in school use to just send me off because I couldn’t sit still, never got written up, no suspensions, not detentions either but I literally skipped class all the time and barely ever did homework (between the beatings and the ADHD, I didn’t have time).

16. I can never sleep. Ever. It takes hours to fall asleep, I randomly wake up at all hours, and I always wake up before 6:30 for some reason. I am living in a constant stages of tired.

17. I love water! I am a strong swimmer. I can spend hours swimming and not tire out. I can tread water at the lake for hours and do laps too. I love to wakeboard and basically all things water.

18. I’ve thought about killing myself more times than I care to remember, and I still think about it often. I’ve tried a couple times but that was before I knew how. I never told anyone.

19. I live with migraines almost daily. I have “functioning” migraine, which basically means I can get up and still work, though it’s not easy. I am always in pain and it’s horrible.

20. One day, I will change the world. I don’t know how, but I will.

Good Evening My Followers

How is life treating each of you? My life is going ok, just been busy. I have so much to catch up on! I’m working like crazy but still trying to catch up on bills from when I wasn’t working then I had car trouble. My old car. Still nothing wrong with the engine, that beast just won’t die! lol But it seems someone is cutting my valve stems…I had to buy two new tires three weeks ago, had to buy another tire again this week. I am getting very frustrated and falling much further behind because I just started breaking even! May I wish I could just catch up…don’t we all. I’m working practically every single day and still not quit there, but that’s ok. I’m working hard and will get myself out of this…some how. Life just likes adding challenges when a person is finally trying to pull through.

Other than work, life involves sleep…that’s about it. Honestly. I have so much on my mind I want to share here but either don’t have the ability to type it all out or am just too freaking tired to do so. Work is keeping my butt moving…non stop…literally! People need to stop calling 911! Well, not all of them. The problem is the people that don’t need the ambulance are the ones that freaking call, all the time, several times a week! But the ones that do need it won’t call until it’s too late. That will get me on a rant about our damn system in this country…not only has the government fucked us all! I get to deal with those lazy ass free loaders all damn day! But I will save that for another time…for now…have a good night! I’m exhausted and need sleep before work…again! Take care all!

Getting Away

Tomorrow I leave, for 4 whole days, with my man! Our time to get away and talk, discuss everything, but mostly just to get away from everything. I need to get away! Currently I’m sitting with my dog on my lap, holding him close tonight. I’m going to miss him bad!! But like I said, I’m ready to get away.

It has been a long couple of days of work, nothing horrible has happened, it’s just been long. Life at hell job…well it’s not bad because I’m never there. When I am there, everyone bitches about it and how horrible this stupid ass useless “Chief” is. Like beyond useless and stupid too! I just can’t even begin to explain the level of stupid without typing an entire book. It’s just getting ridiculous! I hope they shut the place down, that would be the best thing for it and start a new one in a few years. So that place has turned so stupid that it’s starting to get funny. But I only work there like one shift a week and starting October it’ll be a LOT less than that! No one is working, it’s gotten crazy, not even enough people to run a truck. I find it SO fucking funny!!

But starting tomorrow morning at 7am I am out of here and not thinking about any of it or anything! I might be around posting if I spend time typing everything in my head, but I doubt it. I have so many thoughts, like non stop, I have talked about this before I just can’t get to paper or a computer to write it all out. My mind is just non stop all the time! Damn you ADHD!! Speaking of that…it’s acting up right now so I’m going to go to bed and sleep some before I get up to see my man and take off! Enjoy your weekend all! I will catch up when back!

Don’t Mistake Our Smile

I read an incredible story, written by a local paramedic. He was off duty and became a part of an amazing rescue attempt to save a life. Unfortunately the life was lost, however his story made me think. He talked about the hurt and feelings after the rescue, how quiet the car ride home was, and how he knew his friend had the same feelings but not once did they discuss it.

I am guilt of what I am about to write about, I’ve caught myself and partner doing the same thing. I hope one day to start educating fire and EMS crews, but right now I don’t have the degree for that. Instead I will stick to sharing my thoughts here.

I don’t remember a class during my fire and EMS training that was titled “Feelings: Keep Them Hidden.” I can’t recall a time in class where the instructors lectured us on not showing emotions. And I certainly don’t recall any training on how to deal with the emotional drain this career can have on a person. Is this what leads to so many suicides within our field?

We often see things the majority of the world is spared, our eyes have seen tragedy and our hearts have felt great pain, but no one ever talks about it. Many times I have ran calls with my partner, tragic calls, but we never discuss it. We ride back to the station in complete silence then we laugh it off with other crews.

Don’t mistake our laughter for not caring, our laughter has become our way to deal with the pain. Somewhere between school ending and starting to settle into the field we learn that laughter hides the pain. They say laughter is the best medicine, but laughter can’t take it away. The memories are still there, the pain still weighs in our hearts.

Sometimes the smallest thing will bring the memories back, maybe the same smell from that horrible day. Or the sunset after that day, it looks so much like the sunset now. All the emotions and memories come flooding back, but we just laugh it off.

Often times crews I am with discuss the sick sense of humor you have to have to be able to work in this career, but they don’t mean what I thought when I first heard that. What we mean is, you have to have the ability to laugh about it so you don’t let it bother you as much, but laughing about something so tragic makes a person look crazy to the outside world. To the normal people, that live their lives unaware of the horrors in this world, our laughter is confused for not caring.

We send men and woman to fight for our country and offer them very little help when they come back. We send police officers, firefighters, EMTs, paramedics, and first responders into some horrible situations, yet offer them no help to learn how to deal with the things they see. How many lives will be taken before we start educating and offering help?

The next time you see us laughing after a tragedy, please remember we are not laughing at the people, we are laughing for ourselves. We are human, we still hurt too, but to keep doing this job we must laugh it off. I remember some young kids asking how we deal with what we see and the firefighter standing next to me had the ability to explain it like no one I have ever heard.

“Each one of us has out own memory book, we take the pictures and memories of the events and file it away in that book. A book we never open willingly. We laugh then file it away, never to be opened again. Some people have books 5 inches thick and still live each day happy, while others books are only 1 inch thick and completely full. Each of us have our own limit, but you will know when that book is full. Once it is, you will know. You will know it is time to quit.”

So each of us must know our limit. You must know when it is time to stop. Once your book is full and you can no longer laugh the pain away, it is time to walk away. Don’t let this career take your beautiful life, you have done wonderful things. You were there for someone when they needed help, they will be forever grateful for that, but much like us and our feelings, they don’t always know how to show theirs. People often forget that a simple “thank you” can make us smile for weeks. A true smile, that makes this job all worth it.