Hello May!

Well good evening all! How’s life? Mine is confusing as hell! I’m so lost on where to start so a list and then cover it one by one, and apologize my medicine is not working at it’s best today so I will be all over today.

1. My mother and her boyfriend are getting married…less than a year from their “announced dating” and less than 3 years from her divorce…great idea…

2. My man! : )

3. The man my man is trying to set me up with.

4. My dirt bike.

5. Whatever else has happened…let’s think about it.

Let’s start…

1. Yea, my mother has a boyfriend…he’s JUST like my father! She divorced my dad because all he does is sit around drinking beer…that’s all he does! From the moment he gets up to the time he goes to bed. He drinks and sleeps. That’s it. I was suppose to go visit the family out of town but my mom and him decided they wanted to go…well I passed on going because I refuse to ride in a vehicle with him and I wasn’t going to deal with the bitch for driving myself separate. So I missed out…again. If it’s not work causing me to miss out, it’s her! I schedule myself for ever holiday, just so I can avoid her and my dad’s family….I feel so alone but I realize I’m much better off without them and the trouble they are determined to start. It makes my heart hurt until they hurt me again…then I remember why I’m so alone.

2. My man! Man I love him! And wish every day we could have a normal life…I just want a family and life with him…a fun filled life with him! He makes me so happy! We’ve gone camping some and have some great trips planned coming up so if you follow my photography page…watch for some pictures soon! If not and you want to see it, e-mail me…

3. The man my man is trying to set me up with…well that sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer! lol He’s still determined I find someone closer to my age and start a family and live happy together…well, a coworker of mine has been a friend for a while and my man is determined I actively seek after him…not going to lie, he is a great guy and just awesome, but I love my man…it tears me up. I’m so lost but my man is still here helping me any way he can, which is good. He loves me and is here for me, but I am to keep my mind and options open. He supports any decision I make.

4. My dirt bike…anyone want to contribute to my happiness?! : ) Just kidding…I’m working like every day…literally…and the 1 or 2 full 24 hours a month I get off work is spent either working on my bike or finding a friend I can ride with to take it riding. It’s what keeps me happy and my man knows that. He even tries to arrange for me to get a ride somewhere to take my bike out. He says he loves to see my smile when I ride so tries to ensure I can do that. : ) I sure love it! I would LOVE to race! But there’s not affording that. I’m working SO hard to try and get myself a truck so I can go riding…I would love that but I won’t be able to afford that with my career choice…oh well.

5. Everything else…life is just keeping me busy. I’m really sorry I don’t post anything, my job keeps me busy and since I’m at it ALL the time…well it gets very hard trying to post. I apologize. I don’t always get to respond, but I do read what you all write, all of it! Keep writing, I love reading! Take care all. I’m off work for a few hours, spending it working on my bike to help me relax. : )

30 Day Challenge: Day 2

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Day 2 and going strong. Time for 20 facts about me…try to keep up!

1. My mother was 8 months pregnant when she found out she was having twins (surprise!). She named me after the song she heard on the drive home, lucky baby number 1 right here.

2. My childhood was living hell (or at least close to it). My father physically beat me any chance he got, and as an added bonus I got to listen to him call me names and degrade me. My mother loved to remind me how worthless I am, how I will never amount to anything, and make me feel so helpless. Both my parents are extremely controlling, to the point where it effects my daily life, they literally scare me.

3. I LOVE my job and career, but I HATE the politics! So much so that I’ve considered finding a new career.

4. I hate our current president and his clan of mindless idiots. They are ruining this country and his damn color has nothing to do with it, he’s just an idiot! I think the government should be VOLUNTEER positions!

5. I own several handguns that are practically always on me. I will exercise the right to defend myself if you feel the need to threaten me. I pray I never need it, however I will if I have to.

6. I am currently working 7 jobs (yes SEVEN) just to stay afloat! This UNaffordable health care SHIT is drowning me! I can’t make ends meet anymore and it’s killing me.

7. If I could afford to go to school to be a doctor I would! I would love to be an ER doctor or something but I will never be able to afford that.

8. I really wanted to join the military after high school but a car accident paralyzed me from the waist down for several hours and due to a traumatic head injury I can’t even qualify for the National Guard. It hurts me bad that I could never join. I hate it.

9. I love taking pictures and share my work and sell some too. I just wish I had a job that supported more travel so I could get out and capture the world.

10. I am a loser. Between the 7 jobs and basic housework I have no life. Seriously it’s work and home, nothing else. I’m a loser.

11. I don’t drink. Ever. Not even a sip, I refuse to be like my parents. Because I don’t drink I’ll never find a guy, I hate clubs and bars so I’m “weird”…you know, the loser.

12. I made a promise to my man that I would “keep an open mind” at his request. I have always wanted kids and a family but he thinks I should have that with someone my age so we can “grow old together”. He wants me to keep an open mind to any guys out there, encourages me to date and meet new people, and wants nothing nothing more than me letting him know if I’m going on a date, and he wants nothing in return. He just wants me happy. But until someone comes along he is still my man and as much as I want that family, I’m in no rush to leave the man that treats me like a God. He is SO good to me!

13. My dog is my life. He is the only one that is always there for me, loves me no matter what, and has become my best friend. If a rare occasion comes that I’m off work, I don’t want to leave home because my furry buddy can’t go. We will literally lay in bed staring at the ceiling for hours just because I can’t leave him.

14. I love to geocache! It really sucks working so much, I wish I could go more. But what I really wish…I wish someone paid me to geocache and take pictures. How great would that be!

15. I have a horrible case of ADHD! It has been known my whole life. Teachers in school use to just send me off because I couldn’t sit still, never got written up, no suspensions, not detentions either but I literally skipped class all the time and barely ever did homework (between the beatings and the ADHD, I didn’t have time).

16. I can never sleep. Ever. It takes hours to fall asleep, I randomly wake up at all hours, and I always wake up before 6:30 for some reason. I am living in a constant stages of tired.

17. I love water! I am a strong swimmer. I can spend hours swimming and not tire out. I can tread water at the lake for hours and do laps too. I love to wakeboard and basically all things water.

18. I’ve thought about killing myself more times than I care to remember, and I still think about it often. I’ve tried a couple times but that was before I knew how. I never told anyone.

19. I live with migraines almost daily. I have “functioning” migraine, which basically means I can get up and still work, though it’s not easy. I am always in pain and it’s horrible.

20. One day, I will change the world. I don’t know how, but I will.

Tis the Season…

To be merry? Fuck that!

Suicides increase during the holiday season, so do cardiac arrest not suicide related. If those people have a “family” like mine…well I don’t blame them! My so called “parents” make me want to kill myself daily and they don’t give a damn either! Fuck them all. When I’m out of here I’m never coming back. I hate the fucking holiday season! I hate the fucking holidays! I hate this whole damn season!

It wasn’t always like this, I miss how the holiday season used to make me feel…at least how some of it made me feel. That will never come back…it’s dead, like how I feel right now.

Happy Halloween!

I’m sorry I have been absent, so much to say and no time to type it all out! Damn you ADHD! And fuck that doctor! I’m out of meds and it is totally ruining my life…I’m trying SO had to control myself and it is NOT working! I’m so frustrated! I want to control this better! And I’m coming down with a sore throat, it feels like I’ve been screaming for hours, I know it’s laryngitis, I’ve had it too many times to count. My chest has been hurting, feels tight, and I feel my heart hasn’t been beating right. I’ve had this before. My stomach hurts, I can’t eat. I don’t know what is causing all this stress. Money? Work? Life? My bitch mother? I just need a fucking break from everything!

Beyond Pissed

I’m beyond mad, beyond pissed. I’m livid! My anger right now is higher than it has been in a long time! My blood pressure is up, my chest hurts, I have a migraine. My anger is out of control right now! I’m so fucking pissed!

As noted in my blog before, my parents got divorced not too long ago, that is where this started without me knowing. I paid for my car, bought it from my parents…big fucking mistake! I didn’t have a choice, they refused to cosign on a loan, I had no credit history, and they were taking so much of my paycheck that I couldn’t get by as it was. I couldn’t afford food, had no clothes…the same it’s been my whole life. So I paid them over a year for my car and paid it off, once paid off they refused to title it in my name. For YEARS, I fought to get it retitled and they refused!

Then the divorce came…finally, I had the chance to get it titled in my name. I got into a fight with my stupid mother, told her NOT to give that title to my father, and guess what…she did. She told me it was going to titled to my dad and I. Just fucking wonderful! I let her have it, she said there is no reason he can’t be on the title, I told her it was MY car, I PAID for it and I wanted his name off it. I lost. But I lost worse than I even knew.

That motherfucker listed as my “father” on my birth certificate is no father of mine! I’m pissed with that asshole beyond anything I ever thought I could be! Read this and tell me what a bitch I am, I don’t care…you have NO idea the shit I have dealt with my ENTIRE life! You have NO idea what HE put me through!!

So that brings me to today…why am I so pissed? My car plates are due to be renewed at the end of this month, and FINALLY 3 days ago he gave me the notice after trying to get it for WEEKS! Then I had to fight for the freaking tax information…this has just been a nightmare and I have no time off! Then I called the jackass and told him he WILL sign my car over to ME or I’m done ever talking to or seeing him, after days of not answering him, he finally agreed. And that is when I found out how much that jerk fucked me over!
So I went over to pick up the title…a title I was told I’m listed on…and guess what…I am NOT! I am NOT listed on a title for a fucking car I PAID FOR! But that isn’t even the worse part…I was told by my mother AND father that I was listed on that car…that is where they really fucked me over! So I was told I was on the car, when I bought my new one I kept the old one for bad weather days and switch the insurance from my old one off my dads to mine so I could save on my new car…see where I’m going here? IF I was listed on the title this would be legal but as you just learned, I am not listed on this title. The problem here…? I am not legally insured. The other problem here…? I can not renew my license plates.

I am just beyond pissed! Now I have to track down the form for the fucker to “gift” my own fucking car to me, get him to sign the fucking title, and get the damn car licensed to me by the last day of September so I can get my license plates renewed. My chances of it getting licensed to me in time are freaking impossible! If you state is anything like mine, I’m fucked! I’m never going to get it back in time, now I will be fined for renewing the plates late. I’m just so fucking pissed off! Fucking livid! AND I don’t get to just “renew” the plates either, I have to pay a fee for “new” plates despite plates being on there…it’s just a fucking nightmare! I’m so fucking pissed off!

I’m going to take a fucking bottle of benadryl and try sleeping forever! I have so much more to share but for now I’m done. Good night! I sure hope your life is going better than what I am dealing with here.

Easter Break

Did everyone have a good Easter holiday? I did…sort of. I was suppose to be off work, my first holiday off in years, but that didn’t happen. Naturally someone called off, go figure. Why someone that calls off all the damn time gets scheduled so much, and on a holiday of all things…well there’s a reason she’s called Chief Bitch! I guess it wasn’t so bad, because I only had to do the first half of the shift, then got to get on with my plans.

I told my parents I was working so I wouldn’t have to deal with either of them or their families. My plans were to cache with my man, which we still got to do, just a late start. Caching Gods were not good to me! I had a very unsuccessful day while my man was finding them all! Not normal, not normal at all. I still had fun though and got to spend some time with him, which is always wonderful! I spent today caching too! We had a lot more success! My man didn’t get to join but I got to meet some new cachers and hang out with the older group. They came my way, so that made it easy and fun. I finished up the more difficult ones around my house. I wish someone would pay me to travel the world and geocache, how fucking awesome would that be??

Before my caching adventure today, I called the Chief of the department I just interviewed at to explain about the ticket I forgot about. She was totally cool and understanding and said I wasn’t the only one. : ) How awesome is that? She was really really nice about it! Said letters are mailing out today and they should be to us by the end of the week. I’m still nervous! I was informed before my interview that I should be proud to make it this far. My old instructed was shocked to find out I have an interview because he said they never hire without 3-5 years experience and I have 1 month and 1 year exactly! I guess I should be proud, but I will be even more proud if I landed myself the job. Last week, after the interview, I wrote out a nice thank you card and mailed it to the Chief too. I hope that helps. I told her I was honored to interview with her and appreciated the time. She should have gotten it today at the very latest. Now I’m just trying to keep myself busy until that thing shows up!

This week is two days of Critical Care Paramedic, including a test I am suppose to be studying for, then next week is the FINAL!!!! Holy shit!!!! FINALS = Fuck I Never Actually Learned Shit : ) After that I hope to be back in the blogging world! I miss being here, reading your stories, and posting my own. So if I vanish for a while, I’m preparing. But I promise to post as soon as I get my letter. Have a great week all!

Tears, Just Tears

What kind of day am I having? I’m having this one right here…

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This is an “ambulance drivers” alternative to ice cream. Ice cream doesn’t hold too well if you’re stuck in the truck on a long run, so Scooby Snacks and icing it is!

I’m angry today. And scared. And sad. I woke up this morning to my dog not putting any weight on his good leg. His bad leg wouldn’t support his weight either so he’d just fall over. He wouldn’t go outside or eat or anything. He just sat there looking at me until I picked him up and moved him to where I needed him go to. He’d try walking again, it wouldn’t work, then the same thing. I felt horrible for him!

Naturally my mom was gone all night to drink it up. I called, three times, nothing. I finally had to leave for work. I wanted to stay with him but I had no choice. Finally, several hours later she calls and said she’ll go home in a few and check on him. Around noon I get a text saying he won’t walk. No shit…I watched him stumble all morning while your ass was drunk and who the fuck knows where! Around 1pm she sends me another text that says she’s going out because she has another party to be at and my dog isn’t any better. Glad to see your drinking is more important. Thanks!

So now I’m going to have to make an appointment tomorrow to take him back to the vet. He can’t continue to stumble around like that, it breaks my heart. I don’t have the money for this, I can’t even by myself food right now. I’ve been living off scraps, bread and butter. Whatever is on sale, I make it work. But now he needs another vet visit and who knows that this is going to cost. I have to find a way though, I can’t make him suffer. I can’t do this to him.

He’s all I have when I go home.I can’t keep seeing him suffer. I need him better. I need him.

My Baby

It’s been a bad couple weeks and it just go worse today. Sorry I haven’t been around blogging much. My puppy has been sick and I’m just heart broken! That’s my boy!! My baby! : (

Two weeks ago I took him to the vet after he hadn’t been acting like himself for a few days. Normally he is very independent, but when he gets sick he hogs your lap and wants to be with someone all the time. He was extra clingy, then I noticed his body was much warmer than normal so I took him in. After some tests he showed positive for a viral infection, which doesn’t produce a fever normally. So they put him on antiviral for that, an antibiotic in case he had something else causing the fever, and also a pain medicine because he has a knee problem where it pops out of place and he can’t walk.

A week later he was done with all those meds but was still walking funny, so I called the vet. They called in more pain meds, to use as he needs, as well as glucosmine. Well, this morning I was sleeping nicely when I heard my dog jump off the bed and start throwing up. I thought, great…now I have to clean that up. So I get up and he’s whining at the end of my bed which isn’t normal. So I turn on the light and saw bright red blood. I started screaming. I must have scared him because he tried to take off running when my mom came rushing in. It was the first time every my mom scrubbed a floor! But I was scared.

I had to be an hour away for plans so I was impressed my mother agreed to take him to the vet. I called, got him an emergency appointment. 2 hours later, tests all done, they had no idea what cause the bleeding, but it had stopped. They put him on a special diet again, more meds, and to be monitored. They also found his knee out of place, which is why he was walking funny, and put that back for him. I’m sorry worried and because stupid ass people are fucking flakes I can’t even be home with him right now! I’m fucking old people sitting, that doesn’t need sitting! In a house with people I hate and too many fucking rules! I just want my dog!!!!! And I want him better!!!!!!

Not So Happy Birthday!

Well my birthday sucked! Thank you mom! Yet another “holiday” you have ruined…appreciate that. It never fails, any occasion you love to ruin, and you seem to have this desire to ruin every single one.

Well lets see, started out slow, boring, nothing special. My mom wanted to take me to lunch, I agreed though knew better. She told the family and waitress what a lowlife I am. She told them I’m a loser and need to grow up. If I won’t pay her rent then I need to move out an pay more to someone else.

Fuck her!! I tried to move out and she threw a fit, called me names, and told everyone what a horrible person I am. Now I’m a lowlife and loser because I’m living there not paying rent. Fuck her!! I just started my 7th job, where my brother has never had one. I got accepted with a scholarship into my bachelor program where my brother failed out of college. Fuck you mom!! You’re a fucking bitch!!

I spent the day before crying with a migraine, woke up that day with one, and today I woke up with another. Actually, the migraine was so bad this morning it actually woke me from my sleep! If you’ve never had that, you will never understand how horrible it is. To be woken up with a pounding pain in your head…it’s just horrible. I couldn’t find any way to go back to sleep.

Today was the worst day to wake up with a migraine too, I had my midterm for Critical Care class. Somehow managed to pass it with an 83% but I’m hurting!! I’m ready for class to end so I can go home and go to bed!! Someone shoot me now! 😥

Still Living

I’m alive! Super busy! But alive! This class is keeping me BUSY! Very very busy, just trying to keep up! But I’m taking a break to give everyone a little bit of an update. So here it is…

First, I got that new job. I start soon and I can’t wait! Paperwork done, just have to schedule my “third person shifts” to go though orientation, then I’ll be on my own. I worked the other job I like today, we were busy all morning! Here’s a tip…having a busy day? Just fly a few out, you won’t have a single call, no one on the department will, for 6 hours after! I guess that’s a good thing for the patients…we were bored though. I got it will quiet after a few helicopter rides. I had a city trip too and we get to stop for food, which I love about those trips. While we were eating a father and his daughter were at a table near us. They asked where we were located out of and I chatted with them for a bit. We went to pay and found out the guy bought our food! I wish I could have thanked him! It’s incredible what some people will do! And it shows you that you need to treat EVERY patient good because you never know who you’ll come across! My first boss made sure I knew what customer service meant and if you couldn’t do it properly, they were more than happy to show you out the door. My co-workers don’t understand that these people we transport are our paycheck! They don’t know how bad dirty rigs look to our company. They just don’t know.

This week I meet with an adviser to sign up for classes for a Bachelor degree. I have more than enough credits for a Bachelor, but so many are required to be from a 4 year school so I have to pick a major AND a minor, maybe two minors, because I won’t have enough credit hours with just the one. I don’t know what I’m going to pick yet. I was thinking about a minor in photography, but I’m not sure what to do my major in. I don’t know yet…guess I need to keep thinking about that. I need my Bachelor in something I can fall back on in case of injury in the field. Time to think…

I also have my first meeting with a counselor…this should be interesting. She seemed real nice and comfortable on the phone so we shall see. I’m a bit nervous, but I know I need it. Still have no money or shifts to pay for it, but I guess I have to find a way. I’m already on the Ramen noodle every meal diet…not sure I can go much lower than that…I guess I’ll find a way. It’s been all Ramen noodles and soup for several weeks now but I refuse to ask for money or even tell anyone there is a problem. I’m on my own in this. I haven’t told my man either. I think he suspects, because he has taken me out to dinner a few times. I’m so used to having no food that when we go out to eat I’ll order some side dish and that’s all I’ll eat, my stomach literally can’t handle anything. He probably knows but I’m not telling him, besides he doesn’t have the money to help me, his kids nickle and dime him to death. He really needs to cut them off and stop paying for shit! Hell, they are all over 20, they need to suck it up and stop visiting hospitals just because “they want something wrong with them” as many have put it. They just love attention and pain meds..they both have drug addictions and he’s pretty much fueling that fire! I told him to quit paying but whatever, his choice. Those are some spoiled ass kids and I think he’s finally seeing that. Anyway, thanks to them, the fucking government, and a loss of his part time job he couldn’t help me if he wanted to. All Ramen noodles and off brand soup for me…yum.

Other than that I’ve been just trying to survive. I can only afford to drive to work, so I never leave my house. It’s making life a living fucking hell with my mother! Then she keeps racking up shit I need to pay for too. Rent, dog car, supplies that she uses NOT me, crap she doesn’t need…the bitch is killing me more! I don’t have the money for this shit! Every time she makes me pay for something it cuts back in the food or gas money I don’t have already. I think I would be slightly better off and have real food if it weren’t for her shit. I guess it’s time for sleep for me, another long day, this time holding down fucking hell! I just want to cry, I hate going there, someone shoot me now!