Tonight’s Thoughts

Well I finally got an update on my “friend”…turns out he wasn’t as great of a friend as he claimed to be. 10 years of friendship was nothing but a lie. He is acting himself and telling everyone he is great, doesn’t seem to be upset at all. Guess he wasn’t that good of a friend as I thought, seems he truly didn’t care. I’m hurt and angry now. He used me to make himself feel better and when I needed that friend and person the most he walked away. I was in a crisis and he turned his back and blocked me…that’s not a friend. I thought it was over the situation with his crazy wife, but I guess not. I don’t think he ever actually cared. That hurts me more than I can say because every time I truly need someone, they always walk away. That is really hurting me right now, because every time I think I’ve found a true friend they just walk away. I don’t mean anything to anyone. That’s reality.

Before this “friend” left me he was the biggest encouragement for me to go back to school. I am now doing that on my own and am as anxious as can be about it. He was going to be here to help me, to read for me, but not anymore. Very few people know that I can’t read, very few people know how bad my dyslexia is, and he was one of those few. He promised to be here to help me, but he lied. Like I said, I’m angry now. But I will use that anger to push as hard as I can to get through schooling. I will do this to prove I don’t need him or anyone else in my life.

He also encouraged me to seek help from my past…with the help of another friend I am now doing that. I’ve been avoiding going back to a counselor for years after two VERY bad experiences. I had one counselor tell me that everything happening to me was my fault. Yes, you read that right. That is what I was told. So I decided to try one more, they pretty much told me the same thing without using the exact words. So now, 14 years later I’m finally going back. And the short conversation I had on the phone with this lady already made me feel comfortable with her. That’s a good start, right? I hope it is.

Though we’re not together anymore because of major trauma in his life, my man is still here for me and encouraging me to better myself. He was there when I talked to the counselor on the phone and after I hung up he told me how proud of me he is. He had a lot of positive reinforcement and has been trying to calm my fears about going back to counseling. He also knows about my inability to read but because of my high IQ he doesn’t believe it’s true. He refuses to believe I can’t read and hasn’t been much help there. But lately when he’s helped me study he has started to see me struggle and I think he is starting to understand just how bad my ability to read is.

So how am I doing? I’m extremely anxious, more anxious than I can imagine. But I’m trying to get it under control and focus on school. I hope and pray I can get through this. It’s going to be hard but having someone to focus my mind on helps me. I need to keep my mind busy. It’s the only thing that helps me. Right now I need to stay angry and remember he wasn’t a friend. He left me when I needed someone the most and that is NOT a friend.

On a little side note, does anyone reading this have some suggestions and recommendations for apps to help a dyslexic? Preferably cheap ones. I found an amazing one that can read anything to me, just snap a picture and it reads…yea…for only $100! I don’t have that kind of money. I so wish I did but I don’t so anyone know of anything like that that isn’t so expensive?

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