I’m angry. I’m scared. I’m alone. I’m hurt.
I feel betrayed. I feel abandoned. I feel forgotten.
Tonight I hurt. Tonight I cry alone. Tonight I try to heal.
What has happened to cause my last post? Well, honestly, nothing worse than normal. It doesn’t matter if things are going well, I still get the passing thoughts of not wanting to be a part of this life. I just don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to feel pain or hurt, but I don’t want to feel love either. The “love” I have felt hasn’t been real, it’s just been people claiming to love me. I’m incapable of being loved, that’s been made clear.
So what happened to make things worse? Well, my best friend abandoned me. The one person I could talk to about anything, the one person that was always there for me, the person I could go to for anything, and the person I could rely on has left me. My mentor, my friend, he left. He blocked me and left. Why? I don’t know. I don’t know what happened. I just know he’s gone and I clearly meant nothing to him. I feel so betrayed and so abandoned.
I was suppose to start school again, which has been a huge fear of mine because of my dyslexia. He promised to be here to help me anyway he could. But that too was a lie.
I was diagnosed with dyslexia in 3rd grade but my parents took me out of the special program and told the school they had the wrong kid. So guess who never got help? I read at a 3rd grade level, essentially I can’t read. It causes a lot of anxiety for me, it always has. Do you know how much help there is available for adults with dyslexia?! None! No help in college because I didn’t receive it through grade school. No programs for adults with dyslexia, nothing. My friend was helping me try to find help, but he’s gone now. I’m starting school on my own and the one person I could share my fears with is gone.
I have no one to talk to, no one to share with. I feel so completely alone and abandoned. I’m scared. I’ve spent days crying out of fear, anger, and hurt. I have so much anxiety about starting school that I can’t deal with it anymore. I don’t know how. The person that was helping me learn to manage and deal with my feelings has left. I am once again on my own. I will always be alone.
I miss my friend. I miss having that person there to laugh with, share with, talk to about anything. I miss having that one person that seemed to care about my wellbeing. But I’m starting to realize he never really cared. It was all pretend. I meant nothing to him. I mean nothing to this world. I am replaceable.
How am I suppose to convince patient’s they need to go to the hospital because they feel suicidal when I have no desire to live? Do I have a plan? No. Do I pray for something to happen to take me off this earth? Every day.
How can I help someone when I can’t even help myself?