Where do you see yourself?

I was recently ask what my goals are, what my plan is. Am I where I planned to be? What do I want to do with my life? What next? Where am I going? Where do I see myself next? I didn’t answer, I just sat there quietly as my mind wondered.

My first thought was I want to do everything, I want to accomplish so much. I wish I had the time and money for school because I’d love to do so much. I want to become fluent in another language, I want to better my sign language skills, I want to develop apps, I want to create software to help people, but most of all I want to learn how to read. I wish more than anything I could read.

My second though wasn’t as happy. As I sat there thinking I realized something, I never planned on being here this long. I never planned on living this long. I used to make deals with myself when things were at their worse, just one more day, one more. Give it one more chance. I knew no one else was going to save me, I had to save myself. That’s how it’s always been. The only person here for me is me, that’s the only person that will ever be here for me.

I never planned to see this day but I never planned to stop it either. I’m stuck in between, sort of in limbo. I still tell myself just one more day, one more chance. I hold onto the maybe and the hope. I hope one day someone will give me the reason to stay for good but I know deep down the only reason to stay is for me.
I stay because I can’t let myself go.

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One response to “Where do you see yourself?

  1. Hey, I know exactly how you feel. I have lived life minute by minute for years at a time. You have to know that you are not in this alone. We have never met and are connected more deeply than people that have been friends for a long time. If you need or want to email me for my number so we can chat please do. Your here for a reason squirt and have helped me through some of my darkest days. I live in the light now but one never knows for how long, the darkness can return in any minute.

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