Temporarily Permanent

It started with a pill. Just one. That’s all it ever takes. One pill to take the feeling away. One pill to stop the pain.

Warnings were sent, but you said I was treating you like an addict. Kindness was tried, but you said I was being mean. Toughness was tried, but you didn’t listen.

You didn’t listen, you didn’t want to. You wouldn’t let me help you. I tried, you didn’t care. I was there, you never noticed.

It started with a pill. Just one.

Getting Away

Tomorrow I leave, for 4 whole days, with my man! Our time to get away and talk, discuss everything, but mostly just to get away from everything. I need to get away! Currently I’m sitting with my dog on my lap, holding him close tonight. I’m going to miss him bad!! But like I said, I’m ready to get away.

It has been a long couple of days of work, nothing horrible has happened, it’s just been long. Life at hell job…well it’s not bad because I’m never there. When I am there, everyone bitches about it and how horrible this stupid ass useless “Chief” is. Like beyond useless and stupid too! I just can’t even begin to explain the level of stupid without typing an entire book. It’s just getting ridiculous! I hope they shut the place down, that would be the best thing for it and start a new one in a few years. So that place has turned so stupid that it’s starting to get funny. But I only work there like one shift a week and starting October it’ll be a LOT less than that! No one is working, it’s gotten crazy, not even enough people to run a truck. I find it SO fucking funny!!

But starting tomorrow morning at 7am I am out of here and not thinking about any of it or anything! I might be around posting if I spend time typing everything in my head, but I doubt it. I have so many thoughts, like non stop, I have talked about this before I just can’t get to paper or a computer to write it all out. My mind is just non stop all the time! Damn you ADHD!! Speaking of that…it’s acting up right now so I’m going to go to bed and sleep some before I get up to see my man and take off! Enjoy your weekend all! I will catch up when back!

Don’t Mistake Our Smile

I read an incredible story, written by a local paramedic. He was off duty and became a part of an amazing rescue attempt to save a life. Unfortunately the life was lost, however his story made me think. He talked about the hurt and feelings after the rescue, how quiet the car ride home was, and how he knew his friend had the same feelings but not once did they discuss it.

I am guilt of what I am about to write about, I’ve caught myself and partner doing the same thing. I hope one day to start educating fire and EMS crews, but right now I don’t have the degree for that. Instead I will stick to sharing my thoughts here.

I don’t remember a class during my fire and EMS training that was titled “Feelings: Keep Them Hidden.” I can’t recall a time in class where the instructors lectured us on not showing emotions. And I certainly don’t recall any training on how to deal with the emotional drain this career can have on a person. Is this what leads to so many suicides within our field?

We often see things the majority of the world is spared, our eyes have seen tragedy and our hearts have felt great pain, but no one ever talks about it. Many times I have ran calls with my partner, tragic calls, but we never discuss it. We ride back to the station in complete silence then we laugh it off with other crews.

Don’t mistake our laughter for not caring, our laughter has become our way to deal with the pain. Somewhere between school ending and starting to settle into the field we learn that laughter hides the pain. They say laughter is the best medicine, but laughter can’t take it away. The memories are still there, the pain still weighs in our hearts.

Sometimes the smallest thing will bring the memories back, maybe the same smell from that horrible day. Or the sunset after that day, it looks so much like the sunset now. All the emotions and memories come flooding back, but we just laugh it off.

Often times crews I am with discuss the sick sense of humor you have to have to be able to work in this career, but they don’t mean what I thought when I first heard that. What we mean is, you have to have the ability to laugh about it so you don’t let it bother you as much, but laughing about something so tragic makes a person look crazy to the outside world. To the normal people, that live their lives unaware of the horrors in this world, our laughter is confused for not caring.

We send men and woman to fight for our country and offer them very little help when they come back. We send police officers, firefighters, EMTs, paramedics, and first responders into some horrible situations, yet offer them no help to learn how to deal with the things they see. How many lives will be taken before we start educating and offering help?

The next time you see us laughing after a tragedy, please remember we are not laughing at the people, we are laughing for ourselves. We are human, we still hurt too, but to keep doing this job we must laugh it off. I remember some young kids asking how we deal with what we see and the firefighter standing next to me had the ability to explain it like no one I have ever heard.

“Each one of us has out own memory book, we take the pictures and memories of the events and file it away in that book. A book we never open willingly. We laugh then file it away, never to be opened again. Some people have books 5 inches thick and still live each day happy, while others books are only 1 inch thick and completely full. Each of us have our own limit, but you will know when that book is full. Once it is, you will know. You will know it is time to quit.”

So each of us must know our limit. You must know when it is time to stop. Once your book is full and you can no longer laugh the pain away, it is time to walk away. Don’t let this career take your beautiful life, you have done wonderful things. You were there for someone when they needed help, they will be forever grateful for that, but much like us and our feelings, they don’t always know how to show theirs. People often forget that a simple “thank you” can make us smile for weeks. A true smile, that makes this job all worth it.

My Life in a Nutshell

Boy has life been busy! In the past 19 days I have worked 18 of them. Apparently everyone decided to give me shifts at the exact same time, then several people called for me to pick up shifts and stupid me couldn’t say no. But that’s ok, I have two days off, picked up another 3, then two more off. I need the money SO bad right now, I just have to deal with it. Fuck you Obamacare! You fucked me over royally! I hope you get impeached! You are by far the WORST President we have ever had! And NO, your color has nothing to do with it…you’re just a fucking idiot! There, I said it. And if you tell me I’m work, I have plenty of evidence to prove you wrong. You need to educated yourself.

Anyway, back to my life. So I’m keeping busy with work. Joys. I’m really looking forward to next weekend. My man and I are going on our little camping trip to get away and talk. He said he left like he did in hopes that I would find a “nice young man” to date. He said he loves me so much he wanted to do “what was best for me” but as we know, that wasn’t exactly what was best or how to handle it best. He’s back in my life because he realized it wasn’t the best for me, but he wants me to stay open to finding someone. I am really looking forward to this trip though, time to get away from this world!

This fall I am going to Michigan for my photography. My man is taking me, he wants to encourage my photography and he loves my work, so he is taking me up there to get some pictures he wants and is encouraging me to take many more while I am there. I’m really excited about this because we have some really nice locations planned and I’m ready to take some more pictures. It has been a while, I just haven’t felt like it really. So I’m ready to get out there and get some more. In a new place too! If I haven’t shared my photography page with you and you want to see it, please e-mail me or comment with your e-mail and I will share it. I have a Facebook page and Instagram too that I share my work on, some pictures can be ordered directly from a website too if you like the work. If you just want to see it and not buy it’s cool, I just like sharing my pictures.

Finally, despite working a million days in a row I am keeping up with the Geocaching challenge, I have 13 caches for the 13 days of August so far, how many have you gotten? It’s tough keeping up with working but I’m going strong!