When Your Body Attacks

Warning: I am heavily medicated, please excuse any errors in this post. Thank you.

I am miserable! I never call off of work, ever! I have called off once in 6 years because I had strep and I have called in to say I’m coming late because of a migraine, I got there 2 hours late. When I miss work, it’s serious. Today I got sent home from work. Yes, sent home from hell job by Wannabe Chief Bitch. She said I look like shit, I said thanks, I feel like it too. She said go home. I felt too horrible to argue. I desperately need the money but I can’t function. My chest is so tight I can’t even get out of bed without getting winded. This is horrible!

I am on more medicine that any person should be and I’m STILL miserable! I still itch everywhere and my sinuses are still draining. My doctor is considering add more! How? I’m on everything! I take a Singulair, Claritin, Benadryl, Advil allergy sinus (mix of ibuprofen for inflammation, sudafed, and another antihistamine), plain 12 hour sudafed, antibiotic, AND an inhaler! I take the Singulair every night. The Claritin, sudafed, benadryl, and antibiotic twice a day, the Advil every 4 hours, and inhaler 4 times day! Even with ALL that I still itch, everywhere! Sneeze, cough, can’t breath, and just feel like shit! I get this every year but this is by far the worse!

Back to work tomorrow, at one of the jobs I enjoy. I picked up the shift for someone but right now I’m sort of wishing I hadn’t. Oh well. Maybe I will take double benadryl tonight because I’m desperate for sleep! It has been almost a week since I’ve gotten more than 3 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period…no wonder I’m sick! My body just won’t sleep! : (

What Now?

Why must life be so complicated? So confusing? How did I fall in love with a man nearly twice my age? How did this happen? If you had told me this would happen, I never would have believe you, but love is blind. It’s not his age, it’s how we get along, it’s how he cares, truly cares about me.

Recently I had problems with my man, he forgot my graduation and planned a trip instead. We have the same problems every relationship has, we have disagreement but we move on. The one thing that is different about our relationship is the age and how that part effects our lives. He has expressed concern about how other people might see our relationship and doesn’t want it to hurt me. I really don’t care if they hate our relationship, it’s not theirs. I have had trouble with my family, but they were piss poor anyway so who cares? Honestly, if they left my life would be better off.

We have discussed recently some other problems that come into play with an age gap relationship. Children. I have always wanted to be a mom! I want at least 3 kids, I want to give them everything I didn’t have, love, kindness, and a parent that cares. My original plan in life was to work part time and home school them, but plans change. Life changes. At first my man said how much he wanted to raise a family with me, how he knows what a great mom I’ll be.

Recently he claims to have been thinking a lot and isn’t sure kids are a good idea. I completely see his side, he’s close to retirement, how can he afford kids and raise them? That is his concern. That and he can’t stand to leave me behind, if something happened, if he were called up early in life. I told him that will be figured out if/when that time comes, God forbid. I could marry someone my age and lose them in a car accident, or they walk out on me. Life is uncertain. He saw this when his coworker lost her husband this week, he died at the young age of 40, leaving her to raise their 10 year old son alone. That’s life, it happens. Does it hurt? Yes, but I have come to accept the fact that people die. It is life’s cycle, some are just able to keep it away longer. I would rather spend the time we both have on this earth together.

He told me he would stick around until I found someone, that he loves me enough to let me go and not hold me back from my plans in life. That hurts me, in a way I can’t explain. I don’t want to find someone else, I have the person I want in life. He did tell me that if I were to find someone else he would be very concerned about how I’m treated, how well they take care of me, and how he would worry all the time if I’m happy.

Regardless of what he says, I know what my heart wants. I know who I want to be with for whatever time I have on this earth. I know what I want and I refuse to let it go.

Geocaches Gone Wrong

A friend sent me this link recently, I just have to share! This is awesome! The link to see all the caches listed is here: http://www.geocaching.com/bookmarks/view.aspx?guid=909c9502-796e-442f-aa8f-b71be68a772b

There are so many here but I will share a few that really had me laughing.

GC185AN – Short Circuitry – This cache was destroyed because it apparently looked too much like a bomb. Yep…our paid officials keeping busy.
On 5/6/08 a user posted: Might need maitenance!!! Today there was a three hour hold up on HWY 101 at the bridge. There were rumors going around that there was a “bomb” under the bridge and sheriffs and caltrans were sent out. Pretty much all morning we heard sirens going by….I think the geocache may have been mistaken for a bomb? Couldn’t investigate as there was a huge commotion…The owner then posted: This geocache was destroyed yesterday by the local authorities and Department of Defense. Apparently, it looked too much like an explosive device. As the cache is no longer in place, I am archiving this listing immediately.

GCR9H3 – “The Sting” – This one is just epic…it is probably best not to put a cache next to a police department without permission! This cache was published, found, destroyed, and archived all in the same day! The final note posted on it said, “Oh muggles!” Couldn’t have said it better myself!

GC2F7RD – 1-800-GOT-TWEEZERS? – Ok…if you are going to hide a geocache…it’s probably best to share that with the neighbors. This one never even had the chance to be found! I’ve had my share with law enforcement while caching, most know all about it!

GC1PVBV – A Century on Century – This is just…well awesome but not! Geocaching is truly at your own risk and it is quit the risk if you end up arrested and fined 10k for it. That’s one BAD day of caching!

GC1240D – A Knight’s View – I have been here! Let’s just say a cache near a school, especially in Colorado…bad idea…

There are SO many! I could share all night! When I could use a good laugh again, I will share some more. Enjoy!

Can’t Sleep

Again. So tired. Still.

This is day 4 of sleepless nights, so much on my mind and no way to organize it and get it out. I have been off my ADHD meds for almost a week, partly because I forget to pick up my Rx and partly because I can’t afford it. Another major set back when it comes to money and health bills. Will it ever end?!

My stomach has been so sick lately. Either from the lack of quality food, or the lack of food in general. I can’t remember the last time I had a meal, like a real actual meal. I’ve been living off snacks and whatever I can round up. Mainly noodles, soup, chips and crackers left half finished in the pantry, etc. I’m still too skinny, my doctor keeps telling me that, I have been too skinny my whole life. My body metabolizes WAY too quickly, it takes 3 times the amount of meds on me as it takes to keep an average adult male under for surgery. My doctor described average adult male as someone between 180-200lbs…it takes 3 times the drug they get to keep my little 110lbs self under! I was impressed.

My doctor wants to put me on medicine to slow my metabolism, I don’t want any part of that! She told me I have to start eating more and specific foods but I can’t afford that. I’m not gaining any weight I’m suppose to be and because my body metabolizes too quickly (even when I get healthy food) it’s not absorbing the calcium, magnesium, and potassium my heart needs. Without my vitamins for that stuff I get really bad heart palpitations, winded, dizzy, and almost pass out because it puts my heart into A-fib. I think I’ve talked about this before. I hate taking the vitamins, but it looks like I’m stuck with it for now because three weeks ago when I ran out…well it was bad. I looked and felt like shit! My EKG looked just as horrible too! I was going from A-fib at a rate of 60 to a rate of 160 in few seconds, my heart rate was all over, my BP was 60/40, it was a mess! I’ve had BP of 62/44 before, doctor was afraid I would pass out, but that can be normal for me, it’s when the A-fib joins the mix that causes problems.

I refuse to relay on meds! Even vitamins!! I want off it all! But I’m stuck for now. I know I’ll never be able to get off the ADHD meds, I try to control it but that’s pretty much impossible. It also increases outbreaks of PTSD symptoms and increases the intensity, so staying on medicine to control me keeps all that away…at least a lot less problems.

I’m rambling. I’ve just been stuck at home a lot because I can’t afford to go anywhere but work. I did have some fellow cachers “kidnap” me today, they said I need to cache but I can’t afford the gas so they picked me up. I did a “power series”, many caches in a row, very close together. Even though they already had them, they drove me to each one. We also got some amazing caches with high difficulty, some awesome boxes, and just some cool caches all around! I ended up getting 205 caches in one day!! Which is pretty unheard of around here and we drove past SO many without stopping! I can’t wait to go back! We even did a “tunnel” cache, which had become quit popular in America from all the cachers I talk to. They are hidden in storm drains, you squat and crawl through, we were a soaked muddy mess but it was TOTALLY worth it!

I guess I’ll try to sleep, I just hope I can! Good night all, hope you’re having a great week so far!