When Your Body Attacks

Warning: I am heavily medicated, please excuse any errors in this post. Thank you.

I am miserable! I never call off of work, ever! I have called off once in 6 years because I had strep and I have called in to say I’m coming late because of a migraine, I got there 2 hours late. When I miss work, it’s serious. Today I got sent home from work. Yes, sent home from hell job by Wannabe Chief Bitch. She said I look like shit, I said thanks, I feel like it too. She said go home. I felt too horrible to argue. I desperately need the money but I can’t function. My chest is so tight I can’t even get out of bed without getting winded. This is horrible!

I am on more medicine that any person should be and I’m STILL miserable! I still itch everywhere and my sinuses are still draining. My doctor is considering add more! How? I’m on everything! I take a Singulair, Claritin, Benadryl, Advil allergy sinus (mix of ibuprofen for inflammation, sudafed, and another antihistamine), plain 12 hour sudafed, antibiotic, AND an inhaler! I take the Singulair every night. The Claritin, sudafed, benadryl, and antibiotic twice a day, the Advil every 4 hours, and inhaler 4 times day! Even with ALL that I still itch, everywhere! Sneeze, cough, can’t breath, and just feel like shit! I get this every year but this is by far the worse!

Back to work tomorrow, at one of the jobs I enjoy. I picked up the shift for someone but right now I’m sort of wishing I hadn’t. Oh well. Maybe I will take double benadryl tonight because I’m desperate for sleep! It has been almost a week since I’ve gotten more than 3 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period…no wonder I’m sick! My body just won’t sleep! : (

What Now?

Why must life be so complicated? So confusing? How did I fall in love with a man nearly twice my age? How did this happen? If you had told me this would happen, I never would have believe you, but love is blind. It’s not his age, it’s how we get along, it’s how he cares, truly cares about me.

Recently I had problems with my man, he forgot my graduation and planned a trip instead. We have the same problems every relationship has, we have disagreement but we move on. The one thing that is different about our relationship is the age and how that part effects our lives. He has expressed concern about how other people might see our relationship and doesn’t want it to hurt me. I really don’t care if they hate our relationship, it’s not theirs. I have had trouble with my family, but they were piss poor anyway so who cares? Honestly, if they left my life would be better off.

We have discussed recently some other problems that come into play with an age gap relationship. Children. I have always wanted to be a mom! I want at least 3 kids, I want to give them everything I didn’t have, love, kindness, and a parent that cares. My original plan in life was to work part time and home school them, but plans change. Life changes. At first my man said how much he wanted to raise a family with me, how he knows what a great mom I’ll be.

Recently he claims to have been thinking a lot and isn’t sure kids are a good idea. I completely see his side, he’s close to retirement, how can he afford kids and raise them? That is his concern. That and he can’t stand to leave me behind, if something happened, if he were called up early in life. I told him that will be figured out if/when that time comes, God forbid. I could marry someone my age and lose them in a car accident, or they walk out on me. Life is uncertain. He saw this when his coworker lost her husband this week, he died at the young age of 40, leaving her to raise their 10 year old son alone. That’s life, it happens. Does it hurt? Yes, but I have come to accept the fact that people die. It is life’s cycle, some are just able to keep it away longer. I would rather spend the time we both have on this earth together.

He told me he would stick around until I found someone, that he loves me enough to let me go and not hold me back from my plans in life. That hurts me, in a way I can’t explain. I don’t want to find someone else, I have the person I want in life. He did tell me that if I were to find someone else he would be very concerned about how I’m treated, how well they take care of me, and how he would worry all the time if I’m happy.

Regardless of what he says, I know what my heart wants. I know who I want to be with for whatever time I have on this earth. I know what I want and I refuse to let it go.

Geocaches Gone Wrong

A friend sent me this link recently, I just have to share! This is awesome! The link to see all the caches listed is here: http://www.geocaching.com/bookmarks/view.aspx?guid=909c9502-796e-442f-aa8f-b71be68a772b

There are so many here but I will share a few that really had me laughing.

GC185AN – Short Circuitry – This cache was destroyed because it apparently looked too much like a bomb. Yep…our paid officials keeping busy.
On 5/6/08 a user posted: Might need maitenance!!! Today there was a three hour hold up on HWY 101 at the bridge. There were rumors going around that there was a “bomb” under the bridge and sheriffs and caltrans were sent out. Pretty much all morning we heard sirens going by….I think the geocache may have been mistaken for a bomb? Couldn’t investigate as there was a huge commotion…The owner then posted: This geocache was destroyed yesterday by the local authorities and Department of Defense. Apparently, it looked too much like an explosive device. As the cache is no longer in place, I am archiving this listing immediately.

GCR9H3 – “The Sting” – This one is just epic…it is probably best not to put a cache next to a police department without permission! This cache was published, found, destroyed, and archived all in the same day! The final note posted on it said, “Oh muggles!” Couldn’t have said it better myself!

GC2F7RD – 1-800-GOT-TWEEZERS? – Ok…if you are going to hide a geocache…it’s probably best to share that with the neighbors. This one never even had the chance to be found! I’ve had my share with law enforcement while caching, most know all about it!

GC1PVBV – A Century on Century – This is just…well awesome but not! Geocaching is truly at your own risk and it is quit the risk if you end up arrested and fined 10k for it. That’s one BAD day of caching!

GC1240D – A Knight’s View – I have been here! Let’s just say a cache near a school, especially in Colorado…bad idea…

There are SO many! I could share all night! When I could use a good laugh again, I will share some more. Enjoy!

Can’t Sleep

Again. So tired. Still.

This is day 4 of sleepless nights, so much on my mind and no way to organize it and get it out. I have been off my ADHD meds for almost a week, partly because I forget to pick up my Rx and partly because I can’t afford it. Another major set back when it comes to money and health bills. Will it ever end?!

My stomach has been so sick lately. Either from the lack of quality food, or the lack of food in general. I can’t remember the last time I had a meal, like a real actual meal. I’ve been living off snacks and whatever I can round up. Mainly noodles, soup, chips and crackers left half finished in the pantry, etc. I’m still too skinny, my doctor keeps telling me that, I have been too skinny my whole life. My body metabolizes WAY too quickly, it takes 3 times the amount of meds on me as it takes to keep an average adult male under for surgery. My doctor described average adult male as someone between 180-200lbs…it takes 3 times the drug they get to keep my little 110lbs self under! I was impressed.

My doctor wants to put me on medicine to slow my metabolism, I don’t want any part of that! She told me I have to start eating more and specific foods but I can’t afford that. I’m not gaining any weight I’m suppose to be and because my body metabolizes too quickly (even when I get healthy food) it’s not absorbing the calcium, magnesium, and potassium my heart needs. Without my vitamins for that stuff I get really bad heart palpitations, winded, dizzy, and almost pass out because it puts my heart into A-fib. I think I’ve talked about this before. I hate taking the vitamins, but it looks like I’m stuck with it for now because three weeks ago when I ran out…well it was bad. I looked and felt like shit! My EKG looked just as horrible too! I was going from A-fib at a rate of 60 to a rate of 160 in few seconds, my heart rate was all over, my BP was 60/40, it was a mess! I’ve had BP of 62/44 before, doctor was afraid I would pass out, but that can be normal for me, it’s when the A-fib joins the mix that causes problems.

I refuse to relay on meds! Even vitamins!! I want off it all! But I’m stuck for now. I know I’ll never be able to get off the ADHD meds, I try to control it but that’s pretty much impossible. It also increases outbreaks of PTSD symptoms and increases the intensity, so staying on medicine to control me keeps all that away…at least a lot less problems.

I’m rambling. I’ve just been stuck at home a lot because I can’t afford to go anywhere but work. I did have some fellow cachers “kidnap” me today, they said I need to cache but I can’t afford the gas so they picked me up. I did a “power series”, many caches in a row, very close together. Even though they already had them, they drove me to each one. We also got some amazing caches with high difficulty, some awesome boxes, and just some cool caches all around! I ended up getting 205 caches in one day!! Which is pretty unheard of around here and we drove past SO many without stopping! I can’t wait to go back! We even did a “tunnel” cache, which had become quit popular in America from all the cachers I talk to. They are hidden in storm drains, you squat and crawl through, we were a soaked muddy mess but it was TOTALLY worth it!

I guess I’ll try to sleep, I just hope I can! Good night all, hope you’re having a great week so far!

Calling My Geocachers!!

My fellow cachers, I need your help dealing with a real piece of work cacher. I will fill you in through e-mail, but if you are willing to help me out please e-mail me at our24yearagegap@yahoo.com. I just need you to submit a log for me, that’s all. This isn’t something I normally do, but I will explain if you e-mail me.

Thanks! Hope everyone is having a better week than me! People are assholes!

Weeping Willow

Weeping willow with your tears running down,
why do you always weep and frown?
Is it because he left you one day?
Is it because he could not stay?
On your branches he would swing,
do you long for the happiness that day would bring?
He found shelter in your shade.
You thought his laughter would never fade.
Weeping willow, stop your tears.
There is something to calm you fears.
You think death has ripped you forever apart.
But I know he’ll always be in your heart.

Beyond Grumpy!

I am beyond grumpy, angry, mad, worked up, and am just fucking pissy! So much for my one and only weekend off! Naturally everyone has to come along and fucking ruin it!

There seems to be a nation wide outage on my cell carrier, can’t do anything unless I’m on a wifi connection! It started some last week, but went out all together Thursday night! If you have the same problem, then you also have AT&T! Assholes!!!! I drove 45 miles into town to trade out my phone only to get home and see the problem wasn’t fixed. Drove the 45 miles into town again to change out my SIM card to find out that didn’t fix the problem either. Used my mom’s phone, same problem. Texted some friends, they had the same problem. Got online, many people with the same problem! Called AT&T back to be told, “if this was a problem for everyone then we would have tickets on it.” I had been trying for 2 days to get the dicks to create a ticket! Of course you have none because your damn customer service won’t let us create any!!! Called two more times an FINALLY got a ticket yesterday night! Called back today to bitch some more and got told, “this is a known problem but it’s Sunday so it will not be fixed.” Direct fucking quote!! I have been trying since THURSDAY to get you assholes to fix this but you wouldn’t believe me!!! So guess what…you are getting one nasty phone call tomorrow!!!! I foresee a discount on my future bill!

The outage affect many sites, not all, but things like eBay, Craigslist, ESPN, Twitter, and MANY more. But it also shut down geocaching! Can’t access the site or use any app linked to it from my phone without a wifi connection! My ONE AND ONLY weekend off and it chooses THIS weekend to stop fucking working!!!!! I’m upset about more than just my phone though, that just definitely did NOT help the situation.

I planned this weekend off because my man had a camping tripped planned and said I can go along if I’m not working. His words were, “don’t take off of you can’t afford it but if you’re off let’s camp.” Well, naturally I couldn’t afford to take off, hell I’m still living on scraps and Ramon noodles. My clothes are WAY to big for me and it’s just a mess. So I didn’t take off, but I didn’t get scheduled so I planned on camping. On Thursday he tells me, “I don’t think you’ll like this camping trip, it’s a bunch of old people going, so why don’t you stay home and hang out with your friends.” Fine, whatever! But you didn’t have to wait till the night before you are leaving to tell me!!!

You saw from my previous I passed critical care class. Our graduation is coming up and I invited my man to come. He’s really the only person I have that I want going, besides my friends but they have to work. He agreed he’d go and said he was excited for me. Well after he ditched me for this weekend I looked at our calendar. We share a calendar so he doesn’t miss my important events and we can plan trips and stuff. I see on the calendar the night of my graduation that he has a camping trip planned. He has known about my graduation date for 3 weeks! 3 FUCKING WEEKS and he plans a camping trip during it! With his bitch daughter that he is constantly complaining about! I’m fucking livid! Not only did he blow me off this weekend, he blew off my graduation and is planning camping with everyone BUT ME! And he can’t figure out why I’m upset…I told him not to talk to me right now. He’s texted me a few times and tried calling to see if I was ok. I told him “alive” once and hung up. I really have no desire right now to talk. It just hurts that he did that and thinks me being upset is uncalled for.

I had a brief conversation with him earlier, explained AGAIN why I am upset and he still didn’t get it! Kept telling me it’s healthy to do things outside the relationship, which I completely agree, but THAT is not why I’m upset!! I gave up and said don’t text or call until you hear from me. It just really hurts right now and everything else has me worked up too. Yea, I’m over reacting, I’m such a bitch for telling him to leave me alone but this graduation was important to me and the ONLY person I wanted there and promised to be there blew me off again. So you know what, he can go camp all by himself with all these other people because I’m tried of trying to “schedule time” to see him and then him canceling it. He has plenty of time to spend with other people so I’m done wasting my time trying to see him!