Complicated

Life is just full of complications, isn’t it? Well mine has no short supply!! Things are going ok right now, at least for the moment, so it won’t be long until all hell breaks lose. That’s how it always works so I’m just waiting.

Hell job is going decent, Chief Bitch has been extra nice to me. I don’t trust her, but I have a feeling she got her little ass chewed. I had a meeting with the highest boss, he was a fucking dick this time had complete false information and was mislead. He wouldn’t let me fix his information but whatever, be a dick. I left that meeting pissed off and not happy at all, but I still showed up. I guess he listened to me some because she’s been really nice lately. She’s fucking up some more, so I guess she has to be nice to me so she can get away with her other fuck ups. Doesn’t matter to me, I have a new job and am working there the smallest amount I’m allowed to do, that’s it.

As for Valentine’s day…well I don’t get to spend it with my man. In fact, I saw him Monday and I won’t see him again till Sunday…I’m bummed. I was finally able to get to the store and find him a card though. The outside of the card says: “To the Man I Love. I remember perfectly the moment I first saw you – the way you were standing, what you were wearing, and the skip in my heart, when we finally spoke.
Everything around us disappeared and all I could see was you. I knew that second I had found the one.” The inside says: “Now, so many memories later, I realize how far we’ve come. But still, some things never change, like the way you take my breath away, whenever I see you walking toward me. With every step we take together, I love you even more. You are my best friend, heart and soul, and the love of my life.” I think it’s perfect. I hate that my family can’t accept him in my life the way he is, but I will never stop fighting for what I want. I hope it works out in the end.

Now it’s time for me to prepare. I’m doing a free photoshoot for a friend of mine, they don’t have a lot of money and just had a kid. I agreed to do the pictures for free and they agreed to share my name and tell as many as they can about me. I’m excited, I’ve never done newborn photos before so that is going to be interesting. I hope all works out! I have some cute props and now it’s time to set everything up and get ready. Hope everyone has a great week. I’ll be around soon.

Anymore

I can’t hide the way I feel about you anymore
I can’t hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eyes anymore
My tears no longer waiting…my resistance ain’t that strong
My mind keeps recreating a life with you alone
And I’m tired of pretending that I don’t love you anymore

Let me make one last appeal to show you how I feel about you…hmmm
Cause there’s no one else I swear, holds a candle, anywhere, next to you
My heart can’t take the beating of not having you to hold
A small voice keeps repeating deep inside my soul…
It says I can’t keep pretending that I don’t love you anymore

I’ve got to take the chance or let it pass by
If I expect to get on with my life
With my life…

And I can’t hide the way I feel about you anymore
And I can’t hold the hurt inside, keep the pain out of my eyes anymore
My tears no longer waiting
Oh, my resistance ain’t that strong
Oh, my mind keeps recreating a love with you alone
And I’m tired of pretending I don’t love you anymore…anymore…anymore

Rural Medics vs City Medics

Around here there a many debates about which is better. We have one particular city department that swears they are way better because they treat way more patients. This is a department that has a hospital without 5 minutes of EVERY part of their venue, and I’m serious when I say that, they are NEVER more than 5 minutes from a hospital. They rarely start IV’s, they are arrogant, they have piss poor attitudes, they won’t give medications. Hell, I witnessed them bring in a full arrest patient, NO monitor, NO IV! How can you be better than someone when you pull shit like that? Not everyone is the same, I have seen a FEW decent people on this department, but that is rare and those people never last more than a few months.

There are a few medics I know that consider themselves “city” medics, however they have a bit more time to get to a hospital. These medics usually have anywhere from 10-30 minutes of transport time, depending on the hospital the patient chooses. These medics have told me before that rural medics are way better than city medics. Why? For many reasons. I’m currently in Critical Care Paramedic class. It’s kicking my ass some, but one student in there is really struggling, he’s a “city” medic. He has more than 10 minutes to get to a hospital. The drugs we are learning in this class…I already know them because I’m one of those rural medics and we have this stuff

Quick lesson here to help you understand better. There are 4 classifications that hospitals can have and you are about to learn about them, they are Level 1, Level 2, Level 3, and Level 4. Let’s start with the lowest level and work our way up.

Level 4 – Do you have an Urgent Care near you? Or a hospital near you that is so small they have 2 ER room beds and can not admit patients for a long stay? Chances are you don’t, not unless you live a good drive from the big city. I have one, at 2 different jobs I work at, they each have one in their area. This is basically like going to visit your doctor. You show up there with anything more than a paper cut and they are calling 911 for your butt! Yes, hospitals call 911 for ambulances, mine do all the time.

Level 3 – This is just a step above the Level 4 class. These hospitals can admit patients, are larger, and have the power to do more, they just do not have the staff. These hospitals usual accept sick patients for long stays but if you broke anything you are going to be sent else where. If you have a heart attack or stroke, they only have the ability to diagnose these problems, if you need it treated then you will be sent else where, either by helicopter or the bandaid box. How many of these do I have in my area? One job has 3 of them, the other has 1.

Level 2 -This level has a significant increase in care over the other two. They can treat just like the highest level, a Level 1, however the staff to treat is not required to be in house. Meaning, they are required to have the capabilities ready within 20 minutes. So, you have a heart attack, go to my local Level 3 center, they diagnose it as a heart attack. The weather, naturally, is shitty so they whirly bird won’t come pick you up, now you get the bandaid box with my partner and I. We can’t bypass the Level 2 center, because they can treat you. On our way we call them, say we have a heart attack and to activate the cath lab, they have 20 minutes to have that staff ready if they want to keep their Level 2 status. Level 2 centers tend to be in the outer layers of the city, also known as the suburbs.

Level 1 – This is the highest classification of hospital. They are usually, though not always, teaching hospitals. They have every capability in the hospital, waiting 24 hours a day. They can treat everything, and treat it well. It so happens that my “area” has some of the top adult and pediatric hospitals in the world.

Now, when I am working and you come in really sick to the hospitals here and have to be transferred out, we have to take you to the city. We call them “city trips” or “city runs”. You know how long it takes me to get from this Level 3 hospital to a Level 1 for you to get the help you need? If the weather is good, 1 hour and 30 minutes! Yes, you read that right. If the weather is good, you’re flying most the time, but not always, each patient is different.

So what do you do during that time? Well you can type all this up like I am, because this patient is sleeping. Some sleep. I had a 4 hour and 45 minutes transport time for special care…yes, I spent almost FIVE hours with this patient and she was amazing! You’ve read that story. We entertain ourselves, bring cards, have movies on our iPads for the kids when we get them. I bring my computer and DVDs sometimes. This weekend alone, in two days, I have traveled over 500 miles in an ambulance! But what else makes us better? Our treatments, we constantly have to watch the patient, change our care, think like a doctor. I can tell you from experience, it is way more challenging to be a rural medic! And way more fun!

My Week, Summarized

Well, this week has been good and bad so far. Starting from the beginning…

My mom has been on me about paying more rent. First, I couldn’t pay even if I wanted to! I can’t even buy myself food and gas money, let alone pay rent and other bills! Her reason for this is, “I know many 18 year olds paying rent.” Yea, me too and they either dropped out of school because they didn’t feel like going or they moved out! Fucking get over it bitch! She doesn’t care that I’m not working, she never cares, “grow up and deal with it” is how she “handles” shit. So I sent her a text that said my shit will be gone by the weekend, boy that did go over well!

She fucking FLIPPED out! “I’m not the bitch you make me out to be!” No mom, you make yourself out to be one just fucking fine! “I hope when you have kids they stab you in the heart like this!” Wrong again, I won’t treat my kids like the dirt you walk in! She just acts like she’s so fucking wonderful and the best fucking mom around! She’s a two faced fucking whore! Yes! I called my mother that and don’t you even judge me! You don’t know the hell I have been through!

Basically, I’m not moving out yet because she needs someone here to care for her damn dog! Oh and my “ass can fucking clean the house a little more!” Yea…so glad she can’t fucking pay attention in her drunkenness! Ugh! I clean EVERY FUCKING DAY! Sure glad she can pay attention! I’m always cleaning up after her and her drunk ass friends! It’s like living with a bitch of a roommate that can’t fucking pick up after herself! And I’m not even lying when I say this…she has gone out drinking EVERY NIGHT for the past THREE WEEKS! So, no I will NOT be paying rent to YOU to support YOUR habit! I’m moving the fuck out!

I tested for one job this past weekend, I will know more about that one this Friday or Saturday. I’m doubting I’ll get it given the competitiveness of the test, the process, and my lack of the full training that several there had, but we shall see. Next, yesterday I test and interviewed for another job. It’s quit a drive, pay is low, but it’s work…and guess what…I GOT IT! : ) I’m pretty excited! Rarely do people that aren’t well known down there get a job! Actually, they go off the “word of mouth” theory, people who live there get hired there, I’m their first “outsider”! How fucking awesome! I really like the people there too so this is freaking sweet!

My man came down with the “man cold” two days ago! And I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about! He’s dying, planning his funeral and all! Haha He doesn’t even have a fever, but damn it’s deadly! I love that man though! I wanted to go care for him, but he told me not to come over, that I can’t afford getting sick with this class. He never gets sick and I feel bad for him but he refuses me to come over so I left some soup for him at the door on my way through and that’s been it. Just a lot of FaceTime visits for now. Maybe tomorrow he will be well enough because I need someone to help me study!!

Other than that, just studying my ass off! Big test for class on Friday, just wanted to share my news. Have a great week! And I promise I read you blogs, despite me not responding much right now. Keep writing.

Search and Rescue

This may not have been the “week from hell” but thanks to my mother it was pretty damn close! What a bitch!! And before you question me, I have spent years of abuse and if you ask any of her friends, they will tell you what they told, my parents should not be allowed to have me. But that is a story you can’t find if you read back, sharing it now only makes me angry.

This week I tested for a job, one that I am not likely to get, being a girl and not have a $5000 piece of paper that says u attended “their” training, though my training is the same because it all resulted in state certification. It’s hard to explain but a total pain in the ass. Over 150 people tested!! Yes, a lot!!! An only the top 30 move to the next of a 4 step process. I doubt I did we’ll enough, but well see in a few weeks.

After all that, I joined my man on a road trip. I was in a bad mood, which was entirely my mothers fault, again! I apologized and he took me to a few caches along the way. That helped, until we got to our destination. Then the people hiding the caches had me worked up more. One of them cheated to get their cache published.

It was our first stop, a cache that has yet to be found. The coordinates put you in the middle of a field, literally!! So after an hour search of the nearest trees, we got nothing. E-mailed the cacher owner only to get a message back later that read: “I know the coordinates are off, I had to do that to get it published because it fell too close to another cache.” WFT?! Seriously??? It’s an entire HUGE open section with PLENTY of areas to hide and you have to cheat???? Fuck you!

So we moved on to other caches there, all hidden by the same person, after two caches I said, “fuck this” and quit! I think you should be required so many finds before you can hide a cache. And you need to be slightly smarter than a fucking monkey! This person clearly had very little knowledge of caching! The first of their cache put me in the middle of a field between 3 sections of trees, all about 50 feet away! Ugh! After several searches, I found it on pure luck. Off to the next. Same damn thing! GPS put me in a damn field!!! Read the hint…the item that matches the hint is a good 75 feet or more away! Are you freaking kidding???? I posted a note that said, “This is the second of your caches I have tried today. I am not logging this as a DNF because I didn’t truly look, but I suggest you update your coordinate because ALL of them are off!”

I know, the GPS takes you to the general location then you search from there, but fuck! This wasn’t even getting me in a general location!!!! I’m not dealing with that every time. You’re coordinates need to be somewhat close! Damn!

So he took me home after that, held me tight for a while to calm me down from my mother. He also fed me, it was my first full meal in 2 days, and my stomach did not take to it well! I was SO sick! It was horrible!!

I spent today complete alone like a loser. I was not invited to any parties, my man had to work, and I was suppose to be studying. I’m getting really nervous for my next critical care test, which is this week! : ( I’m scared! Flipping out! I’m panicking!! I feel like I know nothing!! But right now I’m preparing for another test too! 3 in one week is just stupid!!!!

This week I test for another job. Yes, not including the last test, this is a whole different department. The pay sucks, the drive is far, but the people are nice and it beats hell job! So I’m trying! I won’t jinx myself, but the Assistant Chief seems to like me and I’m helping her study for this next test, let’s hope it is enough! I need something! Anything!!!

My aunt and uncle invited me on a cruise this summer. Problem is I need a buddy to go along, to make it cheaper, and I have none. My cousin suggested I take my man, but we know the family won’t like that. I have no friends, and none that are responsible with money to be able to afford it. Hell, I can’t afford it now anymore either! I’m bummed, it was going to be my escape, a time to relax, and instead I’m stuck here…in hell. Never an escape.

Sometimes the internet is a great search tool, other times not so much. This time not so much. I want to find search teams that work you a couple months out of the year, I would love to do this!! All the teams around me are volunteer only, which is great but I already volunteer and it takes money. Money I don’t have. You have to buy your own equipment, tools, uniform, lodging, gas, vehicle…everything you have to pay for. Can’t do that. So I would like to know, do you know of any? I think it would be a great experience! So let me know. I would love to do this!!