Good Evening!

I have been exceptionally quiet lately…sorry. I also want to apologize now, this post might be all over, like my thoughts tonight. I’m all over and I’ve maxed out on my medication so I’m going to attempt to blog some instead of running around the house like a mad person trying to do the billion things on my list! Let’s start with the beginning, shall we.

Critical care paramedic class…just shoot me now. The first day of class they told us how horrible the class is, how tough the tests are, how we can kiss our life good bye, how we’ll want to shoot ourselves (great, add that to the list), and how it’s basically a TWO YEAR Critical Care RN class put into 12 weeks of ONE DAY a week, 9-5 class…just wonderful. So, shoot me now?? Any takers? Just kidding…for now. So if I’m quiet, you know why. In fact, I will probably be very quiet, or I should be very quiet if I want to pass this crap. But for now, a break from studying and my blog to help.

While sitting though day one of this class I started thinking about EMT class. I used to think it was going to be so tough. I thought I’d never know that crap, I was scared and had no idea how I’d make it. Well, I made it and pretty close to top of my class. I ended EMT class with a 98%. It all seemed to come so natural to me, like many things. Then I started Paramedic, scared to hell. I was extremely scared. Somehow I managed to get through that too with an A as well. I don’t remember the exact grade, but I was second in my class with an A. Not too bad. I feel like I know nothing but I managed to make it through

Now I have started Critical Care class, what are my thoughts? My first…what the hell did I get myself into?!?! My second…I’ll never make it through this. And my third…I can do this. Maybe not well, but I can do this. My man promised to help me through this too. I hope this all goes good too, so if you don’t hear from me…I’m either studying, releasing anger in Call of Duty, or geocaching. If you hear from me, then I’m avoiding all of the above.

I spent the last two days geocaching and some nightmare caches. Day one, it was a difficulty of 5 and a terrain of 4.5. Holy shit! It kicked my ass! Went though this post apocalyptic area that was just…weird. But I’m so glad I got that one out of the way and I talked a geocacher I recently met into going. We had fun. Then day two I got talked into a nightmare cache around here that has only been found 30 times in the 3 years it’s been out. Not only is it a difficulty of 5 with a terrain of 5 (more like 20!!!), but it’s a multi stage and when you get to each stage there is a nightmare puzzle to solve too! I skipped the first 6 stages because I was working, but I helped them solve the puzzles each time. I finally joined for stage 7 and that took over 2 hours to hike to, then we couldn’t figure the puzzle out so we headed back to the cars. Soon we will be going back to finish steps 8-11 and hopefully have that damn thing in our hands! I will be glad to have that one done too.

Oh, did I mention that both days I hiked with my full pack (16lbs) just in case, given the terrain, and the one day I had to carry my mom’s dog because she refused to walk. That was an additional 8lbs to carry. Ugh. Wish I could take just my pup caching because he loves it, but mom won’t allow that. So what’s in my pack to make it weigh that much? Well, a few things everyone should carry and more stuff geared for caching. A small survival kit (needle, string, wire, mirror, whistle, fire starter, cotton balls, etc), a multi tool, lighter, knife, flashlight, water, emergency food (taffy, crackers), 75 feet and 25 feet of webbing, 3 life safety carabiners, paracord sections in random lengths, medical kit (gauze rolls, gauze pads, large trauma pads, bandaids, neosporin, burn gel, emergency blanket, tap, coban, gloves, etc), SPOT device (highly recommended if you are going without cell service), geocaching items (containers, trade items, etc), waterproof box with medicine, and of course my guns, both of them to be exact plus some ammo. I have more stuff, but that’s the basic of it all. I keep it well packed.

Now, for a completely unrelated story, I have to talk about a patient I had, another one that changed my life. This patient is 102 years old. Yes, you read that right and I wrote it right. One HUNDRED and two YEARS old. And he was amazing. Lived alone, took care of himself, fought in the war, watched the flag get put up at Iwo Jima, had no water or electricity in his house until he was in his late 40’s, and had stories of growing up that I wish I could have heard more of. This was one incredible man. When I was leaving I told him to have a great holiday and happy early birthday, to which he responded, “You too, but I think this is going to be my last.” I didn’t know what to say, I was shocked, and he knew it because he had a great response. “I saw on tv an man was 111 and voted, I don’t think I’ll make it that long. And besides, I’ve lived a good life and after you hit 100 there isn’t much further to go from there. I’ve lived my life time, now I’m ready to join my wife.” He was just amazing. He said he wished him and his wife could have had kids, but they couldn’t afford it. He said that is his only regret in life, but his wife did have 1 kid when they married, so he said he didn’t completely miss out on that. I need to check up on him, he was amazing.

Spending time with this man had me thinking about my childhood and what I miss from that time. I miss play Nintendo, the original. My sister broke it about 6 years ago, but ours still worked until then. My brother then sold off all the games, I still hate him for that. I slept with all my stuffed animals because I didn’t want one to be left out. I had that pen with all four colors in it and I always tired to push them all at one time. I used to watch rain drops fall down the window and act like they were racing. I used the soda cap as my shot glass. The computer was strictly used for paint and boy was that fun. I miss my Tamagotchi. When we swallowed a fruit seed we were convinced that a plant was going to grow in our stomach. The street lights meant it was time to go home. We could, and did, play outside for hours, it was acceptable and allowed without worry. I miss those days, the simple times. I want that for my kids, I want them to be able to have the childhood (minus my parents abuse) in the world I did. I don’t want technology to run their life.IMG_1962

I wish I could go back to my childhood and not have to work. Hell job is still a fucking nightmare! I’ll know with this next schedule if that bitch is screwing me over on purpose. I pray she doesn’t because then I’d have to go to the higher Chief, the real one, the good one, but the scary one. I just can’t freaking wait to get away from this bitch, or get her away from me. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore! She makes me want to jump off a cliff! I can’t stand even thinking about her! But…there may be hope. It just so happens that one person in my critical care class hires on a department around me. She offered to bring me an application, asked about my hours available, and all that stuff. I sure hope this is good news for me! It’s quit a drive, a little bit further than the job I like, but I’ll take anything right now. I need the fuck away from that bitch.

I don’t need help because of calls I’ve ran, that’s not killing me. What’s killing me are the people inside, the one’s I’m suppose to be able to work with and talk to about the calls we ran together. The one’s that are suppose to be helping me are the one’s that are killing me. They have caused me hours of planning my death, they have ruined so many good days, they are just ruining me. I work hard, I bust my ass every day, and for what? To be called names, talked about, ignored, and treated like the dirt they walk in. I’ve had some tough calls, but it hasn’t gotten to me like this assholes. I’ve done more research, on ADHD, PTSD, and abuse. The abuse makes all this worse, but these people from work have become the new abuser. I’ve escaped most of the problems with my parents, but now I have a new problem. I’m stuck fighting this battle alone too because no one is here to help me…again. I just want to be able to get away from this all! I promise not to use plan one, now to find another. For now…class, my focus will stay there.

But now it’s time for me to finish studying because tomorrow is death by text book. Another day of class, I’m ready to get past all this legal crap and start learning. This is why I didn’t become a lawyer like I had originally planned…I’m just not into the legal crap.

Good night my readers. I hope all is well. Know I am reading your stuff, I just may not be able to respond, but I am reading.

4 responses to “Good Evening!

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