Frustrated, Confused, and SO Lost!

Well good evening my blogging friends. I’m exhausted to past the stage of being able to sleep. I’m hyped up and restless.

Critical care is kicking my ass!! Though we had an AMAZING teacher today!!! I feel really good about what he taught, it’s the other stuff I’m nervous about. I’m horrible with numbers, given my dyslexia, so lab values are kicking my ass! I’m just trying to study as much as I can but one can only take so much at a time.

I got home from class today to find out my mother didn’t pick up the dog food…yea, had no idea the dogs ran out YESTERDAY!! Ugh! Poor babies are hungry! Been living off the crumbs in the bag apparently! I’m pissed! And by the time I found out it was too late to go to the store. Bitch! Can’t get them fucking food, but she sure can go out drinking EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! Yes, EVERY night this week and for many before! I fucking hate her! I scraped up some treats, cooked some meat, then caved and stole dog food from my dad’s house. They are eating…that’s all that matters. I hope the bitch goes tomorrow to pick them up food. If not, well I’d rather starve myself, so they will eat and I won’t. It’s $58 I don’t have, because she feeds them the expensive stuff, so I guess for a week or more I will just deal with what ever scraps I can find. I’ve been living off noodles, stale bread, and old soup for a few weeks now. I’m used to it.

Other than that, life is just…normal. Hell job sucks, people suck, school is going good…ish, and I’m just getting through it day one at a time. For now…sleep before another full day of studying…and maybe a break or a few for some Xbox, aka stress relief, time.

Good night all!

Warning: Crabby!

This is your warning, I’m fucking grumpy and you’re about to read all about it!!

So last night, as you can see from my post, I didn’t sleep too well. I was up till almost 3am and then when 6am hit my eyes were wide open. No, I had nothing to be up for, I just woke up…my body does that. I’m so used to being up between 3am and 5am that when 6am hits, I just wake up. Sleeping in…I don’t know what that is.

Needless to say this has left me a little cranky, but I manage to make it through the day without killing my mother. I had training all evening and got a text telling me to pick her up ice cream. Number 1, I didn’t drive so I didn’t take my wallet and have zero money…she knows this. Number 2, there are FIVE different containers of ice cream in the freezer, eat it! Number 3, quit treating me like your bitch!! You want fucking special ice cream?! Get your lazy ass up that hasn’t moved from the couch in 3 days and fucking get it yourself!!

I came home to a fucking mess and had to clean up, once again, from her and her stupid drunk ass friends!! I’m sick of it! She can’t take care of her fucking self!

So I come home to her fucking ass ONE THE COUCH on the phone. When she is on the phone the whole NEIGHBORHOOD can hear!! And tonight it was pissing me the fuck off! I need sleep!!!! And you’re so fucking loud I’ll be getting none! And her stupid ear piercing laugh is fucking annoying!!

So I’m grumpy! And pissed off! And I need fucking sleep!!!

Sleepless Nights

I’m in one of my stages again, where sleep does not come easy. Actually, it doesn’t really come at all, I nap for a few hours and that’s it. When I do finally fall asleep around 2 or 3am, as soon as 5am hits I’m wide awake. It’s a lot like my eating habits. I will go days and hardly eat anything, then I can’t get enough food. It’s messed up. I’m messed up.

I had an awesome time away with my man! He took care if me so well! Rubbed my back till I fell asleep each night. Plenty of kisses, especially on the forehead, my favorite! A professional full body massage, wonderful! And he held me while I cried and just let go of everything.

Now back to reality. Fuck!

I’m lying here trying to fall asleep with zero luck, just thinking about my life. Thinking things I shouldn’t. Wishing things that will never be. There is one thing tonight to keep me calm.

My teddy bear.

Yes, I have a teddy bear. Call me whatever you want, but he is mine and I will never let go of him. A few years ago, for Christmas, my man got him for me. He can’t be with me a lot of the time, for obvious reasons and because if work, so he got me a bear. It’s the classic brown teddy bear with a little ribbon around his neck, and when you press his paw he says, “I love you.” But the best part about this bear? Each time I see my man, he sprays the bear with his cologne.

When I’m upset or worked up, that smell will calm me instantly. I can’t explain it. It relaxes me. Most people have comfort food…not me, I have a comfort smell. And tonight, that is exactly what my teddy smells like. It makes me miss my man, but it reminds me he isn’t far away and relaxes me. I just love that smell!

For a while, I had a bottle that was almost empty, to spray my pillow case, but that’s long been used. Now I just have to wait till this bottle is almost out. That smell used to calm me long before my man became my man, but I never told him that. I was obsessed from the beginning. : )

Mini Escape

My man took me away for a mini vacation, to escape the hell I’m in, and boy am I glad he did! I needed this time away! Bad!

He has been treating me SO good! Taking care of everything for me. And even better…he surprised me with an hour long full body massage!! It was amazing! Just incredible! I am so freaking relaxed! And not ready to return to reality.

Hurting, But Alive…For Now

I’m here, for now. I’m hurting so bad right now and have so much anger. I just can’t even being to talk about it right now. Fuckers at hell job fucked me over big time! They figured out how to get me in trouble and it worked. I fucking hate them!

As for CCEMT-P class…well I’m still in it…for now. Test number one, I got 77% on. You have to maintain 75% or higher in the class or you get kicked, so I dodged that bullet. We had the option to retake the first test, which I decided to do. I lucked out and got 97%! Fuck yea! The second test is what goes in the grade book but my class grade is an average of the two test, that puts me at 87% in the class. Not too shabby. I passed EMT and Paramedic with an A in both of them, so it’s frustrating to have a B right now, but I should be happy because I haven’t been kicked from the class…yet.

A few of you have checked up on me, I’m still here and I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to you. I will soon, I just haven’t felt like it. I’m depressed, majorly depressed. I will get back to you soon, I promise.