I made a promise and I never break promises. At least not when it is all within my control and I will not be breaking this one.

I promised Rocks I would be sticking around, so I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck listening to my useless rambles, at least for now. Sorry. I’m blaming Rocks for this! You can too! : ) Looks like you’re stuck with me for a while longer…at least for as long as I am needed. After that…well maybe someone else will need me.

I don’t believe I have depression because I don’t fit the signs of it. I know it’s not bi-polar because I was tested for that a while ago. I think it’s a combination of ADHD and that PTSD (from my past). I have been through a lot growing up, more than I have even mentioned here and maybe I will go back and start telling that story. Either way, I struggle every day with suicidal thoughts. I can’t stop it, it just happens. I could be happy, having a good day and the thought goes through my mind. I don’t always want it there, but it happens almost daily. It gets much worse when things are bad, then I sit there and dwell on the thought, sometimes planning it all out. I’ll admit it, I have some good plans. Sorry.

Despite all of it and what goes through my head, I made a promise and I will not break it. I’m here to stay and not allowed to give up just yet.

13 responses to “Promised

  1. Girl, I don’t know you, but from what I’ve read you’ve had a rough life as well as those good times too.. you could be depressed but I think its called being human and having those thoughts and feelings, your not the onky one whose ever had thought about it. The best advice I got was no one can control me and my life I’m no ones doormat nor do I deserve to be treated that way.. ever since I’ve had bad days and the thoughts run by but at the end of the day I’m happy with me and I don’t need anyone to make me fel worthless anynore.. and you definitely don’t deserve it either.. keep tough! Being in EMS seeing things we have isn’t easy either.. I’m here if ya ever need to talk just send me a message here or email.. πŸ™‚ stay strong!! (Always easier said then done some days)

    • Thank you! I will keep your e-mail just in case. People say I’ve had a rough life, but there are plenty of people out there with things way worse than me. It’s hard to have sympathy on myself.

      • True.. but your life hasn’t been easy either . So you don’t worry about having some sympathy for you.. it’s deserved we all have screwed up lives in one way or another.. πŸ™‚ just know if you find all the things that make you happy at the end of the day that’s ALL that matters, your number one no one else. Live for you and only you. πŸ™‚ and yeah anytime just email me if ya ever need too. I will listen and help the best I can πŸ™‚ take care of yourself!!

      • Thanks!! I’m trying to do stuff for me, it’s hard, because I don’t feel deserving. I’m a mess and a struggle. : ( Oh life…and thank you for reading and offering help.

  2. I am grateful that you are a promise keeper. I am sure that as you go through life there are others that need you that just maybe can’t say it yet. Thanks you made a shit day better for me yesterday:)

    • Yea, I have been working on pictures from time to time. I post them on my photography page, which isn’t listed here…that would kind of give me away. But if you want to see more, message me and I will share the link. I took some pictures today that I need to edit of the sunset. But I’ve been working non-stop and just trying to keep myself going…photography has been off my mind. In fact, I really haven’t done much of anything productive except earn a pay check, and I’ve been doing crappy at that. I’ve spent way too much time sitting around being lazy at work. I really need to get my but in gear and work harder.

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