I will start this by apologizing now. I was on a 911 call and forgot to take my second dose of adderall today…I’m a mess. My thoughts are all over! My body is too. I can’t sit still and I’m sure this will take several attempts to finish. I’m sorry. Good luck reading it! : )
Life has been crazy, just all around. Where to begin…guess I should go back in time and work my way forward. Let’s start with the beginning of November, that’s when everything went crazy.
So that ex-Captain, the one that put his hands on me…yea, he got fired. Dumbass. He claims everyone was “out to get him” and “they were just looking for any reason to fire him” which might be true, but when you fuck up, you make it easy for them. The Police Chief is our ultimate boss, he’s the guy you pray you never have to see because if you do, you’re probably in big trouble. Well, since we have a Police Chief in charge, he’s not going to take too kindly for you committing a crime when you’re on the clock. And that’s just what this stupid ass did so he made it extremely easy for them to fire him and the bastard deserves it! I can’t get what he did to me out of my head, I hate the asshole so much and I hope he’s suffering!
Next event…several of the employees at “hell” job hate me…the reasons are any where from doing the work required, to just because. Anyway, one guy that witnessed what this ex-Captain did to me, he hates me for “tattling” on this ex-Captain and someone is taking his side saying I started it…go figure. This guy has taken the “I’m ignoring you 100%” attitude. So much so, that he won’t even acknowledge me on calls…this really messes with patient care. When we get to a call, he won’t let me do anything, and once the patient is in the ambulance he says he’s ready to go and makes me drive.
One particular day we ran 3 calls like this, then I came back to himself and Mr. Ex-Lieutenant laughing about the fact that he won’t let me do anything but drive. Uh…did Mr. Ex-Lieutenant forget that quickly how good my hearing is? And how much trouble he is already in?? WTF?! This hell hole just makes me want to jump off a damn bridge! A few assholes have to ruin everything for me!
Next order of business…life, in general. Between work, stress at home, my grandma, and other stupid shit, I just can’t take it anymore. I’m struggling to keep my head above water, so to speak. It’s just been tough there. I bust my ass, and for what? Nothing but my paycheck, but I do it because I believe in EARNING my paycheck! So I, the lowest paid employee, work my ass off while the highest paid do nothing. I also believe that as a tax paying citizen, you bought my equipment and pay my salary, I refuse to let that equipment look shitty and I won’t let you pay for me to do nothing but sleep 24/7. Hey, safety naps are allowed, but I won’t spend ALL my time sleeping. Since I don’t pay taxes in that town, it’s my duty to keep your stuff in good working and clean order.
Confession time…when I am sitting around at work on down time, with either no more work to do or the weather too bad to do what needs to get done, I’ve been hiding out where ever I can find and planning ways to end it all. And you know what, there are plenty of painless ways at my disposal. I know of ways to get rid of other people too that are damn near impossible to detect. That’s what happens when you have free time, internet, and enough reading capability to figure stuff out. I have ways to make it look like an accident, ways to let people know it was planned and with a reason…there are endless ways out there.
But, I promise to do a 10 day challenge, and I will never break a promise. I do not plan to do any of the things I’ve thought of, but they are always there, in the back of my mind. I will keep my promise and put my focus on something else. Like maybe this becoming a doctor thing…man if I could afford it I’d be signing up right now…I think. My man supports it, but money is always a problem. I can’t afford it in so many ways.
I have a new distraction, something to keep my mind busy when I’m stuck at home and that distraction would be Call of Duty: Black Ops II. I’m so glad my man got me an Xbox for Christmas last year. I get stuck at home, need a distraction, and rarely is he allowed over, so the Xbox was his idea to keep my mind busy and spend less downtime when stuck here. It’s working great right now. I get to kill people, lost some anger and aggression while doing so, and I’m not sitting around thinking about things. I’m going to play for a bit before bed time. Another full day of work tomorrow.
Happy Turkey Day all! I am so thankful for each one of you following my blog, especially those that have reached out to me and are keeping me going right now. Thank you!