Day 20

I would like to thank rocksforbrains for giving me something to be thankful for. Thank you rocks! You have given me a distraction, showed me that someone does care, and are trying to help. I really appreciate it.

I’m having a really hard time right now, worse than it has been in a long time. Thank you for reminding me of things I forget too often. I’m trying hard to get better, I just have so many set backs. There’s no where to go that is “safe” for me.

Today was a major set back, I was stuck at “hell” job with nothing but problems at work. I was stuck with all the asshole and problem children so I sat by myself, hiding out the entire day. Well, almost the entire day…see no one there does jackshit, literally! Not even the full time staff. I spend all my time there doing ALL the chores BY MYSELF! This is how my day goes: clean bathrooms, take out trash, sweep, vacuum, mop, wipe down tables, straighten up, do dishes, clean all 3 ambulances inside and out, disinfect ambulances, and clean ambulance bay. I do all of these things completely alone, sometimes I even have to clean AROUND people because they won’t get up.

Do I have to do this stuff? No, not really, but I’m not going to be lazy, I believe in earning my paycheck…maybe it’s the years of abuse. So I do all this work completely alone, with zero help from the staff making the real money. I bust my ass for nothing. It gets me no where but called the “Chief’s little bitch” and talked bad about daily. I am completely alone and it’s killing me. I sat outside today, by myself in the cold, thinking of ways to end it all. I know rocks…not what you wanted, but I didn’t have any distractions.

At one point one of the detectives drove past and saw me sitting there. We share a common parking lot with police, so they are always around. I pray he didn’t see me, or if he did he didn’t think anything of it, because I really do not want to go another round with the Police Chief. No that he is a bad guy, I just don’t want to go through that. If anyone were to tell him what I’ve been thinking or what I’ve said, he’s probably drive me out himself to get evaluated. I don’t want that. I don’t want him thinking I’m crazy. Yes, I need the help, bad! But I seriously doubt telling will land me in a good place…I just hope no one brings him into this. He will force me to the help I need, that’s for sure, but I don’t know if I’d like him calling all the shots.

It just feels hopeless and lonely right now, but thank you rocks for helping me through this. I really do appreciate it more than you know.

4 responses to “Day 20

  1. Sorry for the shitty day:( One of the things that I learned along my lifes journey is that you can not continue to do the same thing and expect different results. Is there another ambulance company in your area that you could try to get on with? Doing all the hard work there will pay off, plus it keeps you busy so the day goes faster.

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