Day 19

I have nothing more to be thankful for. Not one. I thought all day and not a single thing comes to mind. Am I that horrible of a person? I can’t even be thankful for anything?

A little back story about the weekend and how I got to where I am right now…alone…

I was having a bad day, just one problem after another. Stuck at “hell” job all day, stupid drivers coming home, phone call from my mom all pissy, then my dad telling me about my grandma…just a bad day. Well, my man was in the area so he went to my house and waited for me to get there from work. I came in just stressed and not in a good mood. First he asks what my problem was, no hi…nothing…just, “what’s wrong now?” Am I that predictable? So I started by telling him crappy drivers made my day worse and without me even getting to explain about my grandma or the phone call from my mother, he responds with, “You’re ruining your life. You need to let it go.”

Probably not a bad response if you look at it and looking back now it wasn’t the worst response he could have chosen, however this particular night it was a “trigger” and I lost it. My response was something along the lines of, “I don’t need this tonight” and I took off upstairs in tears. I just couldn’t take anymore that day. His response to that? He left. Walked right out the door. I needed comfort, not another person to walk away. Am I that horrible to deal with?

By then I was pissed. Beyond pissed! I sent all kinds of horrible texts, ones I probably shouldn’t have, but I did it. I told him I’m done with him, with this family, with everyone. I told him to leave me alone and go enjoy his “happy fucking life” and that was the last message I sent. I have not responded to a single text message, phone call, nor e-mail from him for two days. He’s tried…sort of, but has yet to say sorry at all. So for now…I refuse to talk to him. I may have messed up, and I know my already bad day made things worse, but I refuse to let it be 100% my fault.

As for my grandma…got the call today that the doctors want to intubate so I had no choice but to go to the hospital. My mother and father are both on me about seeing her, but you know what…she’s been nothing but a bitch to me every time I see here…why should I take off work to go up there? I have bills to pay and I just flat out don’t want to be around her. Call me evil. I don’t give a shit anymore.

I guess being in EMS has given me a cold heart when it comes to the sick and dying. I’m used to it so to speak. It’s a part of life, I’m at peace with it, and know it’s coming. If it’s their time, it’s their time. If I lost the grandparents that helped raise me…yes it would hurt, I’d cry and miss them horribly, however it’s life. I don’t know…I don’t know how to deal with emotions. I don’t know what to do, what to say. I just…I don’t know. It’s life. And the grandma that is in bad shape…well, she has not been kind for a long time now…she’d be better off with my grandpa anyway because she has been a COMPLETELY different person without him.

What can I say…I’m a cold hearted bitch and I want nothing to do with anything right now. I’m done with it all. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of feeling. I’m tired.

5 responses to “Day 19

  1. if you were as you say a cold hearted bitch then you wouldn’t be bothered so much about those who should care for you unconditionally attitudes towards you. You do care, and that’s what makes all the rejection from those people all the worse.
    I know work situation doesn’t help matters as you are getting stress from all angles, but concentrate on positives, like caching, you enjoy that and it’s a great way to meet new local people who care about something as much as you do. And hopefully it will give you something to focus on more than those who should care but don’t.
    Hey my mum has unplugged her phone, so even if I wanted to contact her (which generally I don’t but feel duty bound to a couple of times a yr) I can’t, which tbh is great, no more guilt trips to me for trying to show willing with someone who lost my respect and trust and love a very very very long time ago. And I’m a much happier person for it. Not having her in my life per se has done me a world of good………

  2. Ohhh how I understand the difficulty in not caring so much…. The danger in learning not to care is the other side where you just don’t give a Damn anymore.

    Many years ago I held on to tight to an ex-boyfriend (not in the literal sense, but proverbially). I refused to believe our relationship was over… Now I feel like I have the opposite problem… Sometimes I just don’t care anymore what happens in my current relationship – I just don’t want to fight anymore.

    AS legogirl says, learning not to care so much is hard — And finding balance between too much and not at all is hard, but don’t give up keep learning. Each day is a new day to learn.

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