Keep Me Alive

I have not gotten my ass out of bed the entire day. My only day off in months and I haven’t done a single thing I need to.I haven’t eaten. I haven’t had anything to drink. I haven’t answered the phone. I haven’t moved, except to get on here. My thoughts have been all over. I can’t focus. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to geocache, I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to move. Fall is my favorite time of the year and I just love Halloween. Guess what…not a single Halloween decoration has been put up. Nothing. Holiday’s lost their magic for me, but that’s a whole different story, one no one cares to hear.

I don’t even want to sit here and type but I don’t know what else to do. I thought about cleaning, but the longer I delay that, the longer I delay the inevitable. See, when I tried to vanish the first time I refused to do so until my room was completely cleaned up and I had gone through all my stuff. I refuse to leave stuff behind that people might go through or check. I want everything gone that I don’t want people to go through. My computer, it will be wiped. My iPad and iPhone, the same…everything will be removed. Any old notebooks around will be burned. All my lose ends will be straightened up.

You want in on a little secret? I’ll tell you because honestly, you can’t track me down and stop me. I’ve been working on letters. Letters to every asshole at that job. Letters to every asshole in my life. Telling them exactly what I think of them and their effect on someones life. I’m also working on letters to the only two people that seem happy to know me, my cousins. I want them to know I’m sorry, but how do you explain that in a letter? I don’t know…maybe one day they will understand. I plan to resign from that hell hole job shortly before, just in hopes of doing something good for someone else down the road. Here, read my letter of resignation and then the second letter I am sending to the Chief with it, maybe that will explain some of it.

My Name
My Address
My town, state, zip code
My phone number
my e-mail address @ no one cares. com

Whatever day I sent this goes here
His name
Chief of hell job
Hell jobs name goes here
Location of hell job
Hell, Hell and zip code here

Dear Chief Scary,

Please accept this letter as my resignation with “hell job”. After the current month’s schedule, I will not be submitting availability for shifts with the “hell” department.

Thank you for the opportunity to work for “fucking hell”. I have learned valuable skills I can take with me on my future career path. I appreciate the opportunity to work with a department that has taught me the value of customer service and the important role it has in our career.

I regret to inform you that I can no longer work for the organization. No single circumstance has lead to my decision, this has been a difficult one to make. For my own wellbeing, I am resigning from the position of “worthlessness” with “hell”.

Take care in the future and thank you for everything.

Sincerely yours,

“The employee in hell”

I think it’s a pretty decent letter, you? I wrote it fast, too fast, but maybe I can sit on it for a bit. And for your entertainment, this letter will be accompanying it, what do you think?

Dear Chief Scary,

As you know I recently resigned my position with “hell”. I would like to take a few final minutes of your time to explain some things that I felt not appropriate for a resignation letter.

I would like to start by thanking you for your time and help when I needed it most. I appreciate everything you have done for me these past few months and can not thank you enough. However, as much as you tried, not every problem can be fixed. Problems with “hell” started when I came to work here and they have not stopped since, it is simply just too much to be fixed. When one problem stops, another is created. The only solution I could see to this problem was my resignation.

I would like to apologize for using the little time you have available in having to deal with problems within the “hell” department, I know it is difficult running one department and you have two under your hands. I have tried my best to avoid trouble and brush things off so yourself and others would not have to be bothered with small problems. The only problem with this, is that all the small problems started building up and turning into larger problems. This is when I finally had to turn to yourself and Chief NotScary for help.

I simply wanted time away from work to think about my career with “hell”. I knew that if I stayed at work, my decision would be based on emotion and I might do something I would regret later. I never intended to have to bother you and bring up other problems that have happened over my time here, you asked questions and I answered. I wanted to be completely honest with you.

At this time I owe you another apology, for not speaking the complete truth to yourself and Mr. Attended-Our-Meeting during our meeting, I am truly sorry for this. Please send my apologies to Mr. Attended-Our-Meeting if you choose. During the meeting you asked if anything else had happened between myself and “Captain Jackass”, I shook my head no. I am sorry I did not tell you the truth, I wanted to, but could not. Remembering everything that has happened and trying to get it all out broke me, I am sorry for my tears.

The incident between “Captain Jackass” and myself is something I have been trying to forget since it happened. I am sorry I could not bring myself to talk about it that day. After our meeting I contacted Chief NotScary and asked him to inform you of the incident since I was unable to do so myself. It was hard telling someone what had happened the first time, I could not talk about it again. I know he denies what has happened and blames the incident on me, this I have known since he was first confronted about it. The two employees that witnessed the incident have taken to “Captain Jackass”‘s side as well, making my story sound false. I am sorry I could not tell you that day, but it is something I am trying very hard to block from my memory.

This was just one of many incidents, each one has built up to be too many. If one employee starts to leave me alone, then another employee takes their place. There is never a break or stop in the problems. I am constantly accused of one thing after another, more times than I can remember. I cannot work in this environment any longer, it is killing me. I can not take listening to people talk behind my back, laughing at me, calling me names, or the daily treatment I have to deal with, it is just too much.

I appreciate you granting me time away from work, I truly needed it, especially after “LT Asshole” made his comment. I spent most of my time off thinking about returning to work and if I should do so. I finally decided that I would return to work, but only until I either found another job or could not take the job any longer. I used to love my job here, however it gets harder to continue working when you are the lowest paid employee with zero incentive watching the highest paid employees sleep and avoid extra work. I believe in earning your paycheck and want to earn every penny handed to me, however if I stay this may not happen any longer.

Thank you for allowing me to work with “hell”. It has taught me some very valuable lessons in life that I will take with me. I am sorry to resign but staying here is causing too many problems to my mental health. I need to make a change and make things better for myself. I will miss PR events and teaching around town, the citizens here have made that great for me.

I do have one final requested upon my resignation with “hell”. Problems within the “hell” department got very difficult for myself, especially after the incident with “Captain Jackass” and eventually “LT Asshole”. I asked Chief NotScary if the city offered some type of assistance. I did not ask to gain time off work, which I appreciate you granting, I was asking for help. I was informed that since I am not a full time employee, there was nothing available for myself. I think this is something that needs changed. I was in a desperate situation with no where to turn after two separate incidents at work, yet had no form of help for me. I would hope the City of “hell” could fix this for any future employees that might need the help I was seeking.

Thank you for everything you have done for me. Good luck in the future and stay safe out there. I hope I can use you as a reference for future employment.

Sincerely yours,

The worthless employee

What do you think? I probably shouldn’t send that second letter. Just not worth it I guess.

You know the only good thing about life right now, the only thing keeping me going? Probably sounds stupid to you, but my dog. He has spent the entire day with me and those innocent eyes have been watching me. It’s like he knows, like he sense it and he won’t leave my side. I needed him today and he’s what’s keeping me going right now.

9 responses to “Keep Me Alive

  1. It doesn’t sound stupid at all. I love my dog so much and they do seem to have a sense about things. I also think the second letter is fine. Why not send it?

    As for the rest, I wish I knew you in “real life” so I could hold your hand and let you cry on my shoulder. Life can be tough and sucky people make it more difficult. There are so many wonderful things in it, too, though. Maybe you need a fresh start somewhere new. I’ve always wanted to pack up, take off, and pick up a job at the first place I liked.

    • I have seriously been thinking about just picking up and leaving. Walking away from everything and finding somewhere new. But what does that solve? I’ll just be running even more from my problems. More than I am right now.

      • It is true that many problems are internal, but it seems a lot of yours are external. Get away from the hell job. Get away from the overly critical, abusive family. Find a place that you can just focus on YOU. Even if it’s just a block away. I visually where you are now has left you in a very dark place.

      • I think my internal problems come from the external ones. I wouldn’t have so many internal problems if it weren’t from my past, the abuse I’ve grown up with and still deal with today.

        I am posting again tomorrow after I’ve had time to think. My man has been trying to talk to me, fully, without rules, anything is fair game. He is really trying, I guess. I don’t know, we’ll see.

        I’ve done a lot of reading and research these past few weeks, back when things really started getting bad and I think I have it narrowed down to ADHD and PTSD. Every page I’ve read, everything I see…it describes me almost exactly. I guess it time to find a doctor and figure it out…

        I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was younger, oddly enough, it’s extremely common in abused girls. Anyway, I was never treated for it back then, my parents said it was a “bullshit disorder, I just need my ass beat more, and they are not paying for the medicine.” Exact quote to the best of my knowledge. I got rediagnosed as an adult and have been under treatment ever since.

        However, I will not go to that doctor for help with the rest of me. I don’t like him, don’t like him at all, just got stuck with him because of insurance, location, and availability. I wasn’t given much of a choice, get treatment or get kicked out of school…had to go to the only doctor that could get me in within the month…the rest had a 6-9 month wait. Just crazy. I guess if I had told them I wanted to off myself, they might have gotten me in sooner.

        Anyway, sorry to make this so long. But I think I have the proper “medical term” figured out and what has triggered it, but now I need to find a way to fix it. Or “get over it and move on” as some people put it…

  2. I spent whole weekends in my bedroom fr months, not eating, not going out. Just sleeping and thinking. I always left my room a mess, that way when I went out, I would be able to resist temptation to kill myself as my room was a mess and I didn’t want people going through my things.
    When I tidied my room eventually, I did feel much better for it.
    Your resignation letter is very well written, I wouldn’t have a clue what to write!
    I think you should send the second letter, you say about helping others in your situation which is great if it can help them see flaws in their system.
    Good luck xxxx

    • I finally got my butt out of bed today and carved a pumpkin. About to upload a picture of him now. Still haven’t cleaned my stuff out. My room isn’t a mess, I don’t leave things laying around. There’s a big problem with brown recluses here so we don’t leave things laying around, don’t want a bite from those things.

      I think I am going to send both letters, problem is…I can’t quit yet. I have to have the money, but hopefully VERY soon I can get the hell out of hell!

  3. No, I don’t think that the fact that your dog is what is keeping you going is stupid… Animals (especially dogs & cats) are amazingly intuitive and are unconditional in their “love” (okay well cats maybe not as much – but still).

    There are some things that you can’t just “get over” and “move on”. But, you can learn how to deal with those problems (okay that’s so not sounding right).The fact that you are actively seeking help and working on solution to what is bothering you is a good thing. The best thing I can say is Don’t give up!!! And keep up with the blogging (or even keep a journal – for things to personal to post). I may not respond to (or catch) every blog, but I do enjoy reading them and especially like seeing the pictures you’ve posted (you take some gorgeous photos). You’ve also sent an important message in several of your blogs about Firefighters/Paramedics & Depression – A message that people (especially those in that field (and Police Officers as well).

    I hope that you will continue to blog!!


    • Thank you. I have looked around and there is no help for firefighters, paramedics/EMTs, and police officers out there with depression. Suffering from addiction? Plenty of places to go to for help. Depressed and suicidal? Nothing. I think these needs to change, and maybe that gives me something to live for. I now have a small goal, weather dead or alive, I want to see help created, a place to turn when needed most.

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