Any Questions?

The Rules Of EMS

1. Skin signs tell all

2. Sick people don’t bitch

3. Air goes in and out,blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.

4. About %70 of the battery patients more than likely deserved it.

5. The more equipment you see on a EMTs belt, the newer they are.

6. There is no rule 6.

7. When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.

8. All bleeding stops….eventually.

9. All people will eventually die, no matter what you do.

10. If the child is quiet, be scared.

11. EMS is extended periods of intense boredom, interrupted by occasional moments of sheer terror.

12. Always follow the rules but be wise enough to leave them sometimes.

13. If the pt. vomits, try to hold the head to the side of the rig with the least difficult cleanable equipment.

14. If someone dies by chem. hazards, electrical shocks or other on-scene dangers it should be the patient, not you. (also known as rule 1313)

15. Any EMT, FF, LEO and/or scene chief who is more drunk than the patient is the real problem.

16. There will be problems.

17. The severity of the injury(s) is directly proportional to the difficulty in accessing, as well as the weight, of the patient.

18. Hand grenades and turret mounted machine guns usually work better than lights and sirens.

19. Make sure the rookie EMT knows that a med patch is a radio term, and not a medicated bandage.

20. “Paramedics save lives; EMT’s save Paramedics.” (to quote a T-shirt or bumper sticker)

21. If the patient looks sick, than the patient is sick.

22. If the patient is sitting up and talking to you, then the patient is not in V-Fib, no matter what the monitor says.

23. It is that bad.

24. Full spinal precautions were custom made for obnoxious drunks. So were NPAs.

25. If you absolutely must vomit, than it is probably best to turn your head away from the patient.

26. It is generally bad to use the words “holy shit” on scene, in reference to the patients condition.

27. Patients that crash in separate vehicles should be transported in separate vehicles.

28. Just because someone’s fully immobilized doesn’t mean they can’t be violent.

29. If I’m up, EVERYONE is up!

30. Better them (another unit) then me.

31. I saved the patient…from the fire department.

32. When responding to a call always remember that your ambulance was built by the lowest bidder

33. Never get into the front of the ambulance with someone that is braver than you are

34. When in doubt use industrial strength therapy

35. If its stupid, but it works, then it ain’t stupid

36. Algorithms never survive the first thirty seconds of patient contact

37. Always honor a threat

38. Always know when to get out of dodge

39. Always know HOW to get out of dodge

40. The important things are always simple

41. The simple things are always hard

42. If the pt is going to vomit (especially projectile) be sure to aim towards any bystanders that would NOT clear the scene. (This also works for OIC’s)

43. Sometimes it’s easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.

44. You can’t please any of the people any of the time.

45. Don’t go INTO Dodge without the Marshall.

46. They said, ” Smile, things could be worse.” So we smiled and sure enough, things got worse!!!

47. Always answer a newbie’s questions. (you once asked them, too.)

48. Always Trust bad feelings (let’s see if anyone notices I added in the missing #)

49. EMT’s are taught – “the man with the gun, is the man in charge” (i.e.: the police) WRONG !!!!! Real life (when the fire dept. is on scene) “The man with the NOZZLE (charged hose line) is the man in charge !!” Trust me , it’s true. I’ve been there. that charged hose will send you farther down the block & hurt more before the cop begins to think about shooting you.

50. The number of drugs a patient has on board is directly proportional to the number of knuckles tattooed.

51. If you respond to an MVA after midnight and you don’t find a drunk, keep looking – you’ve missed a patient.

52. PVC’s can be eliminated by sending a strip to the hospital.

53. The ultimate QA program in EMS is an autopsy.

54. Best time to work a code – overtime.

55. Pain never killed anyone.

56. All fevers eventually fall to room temperature.

56. A Pt.’s weight is directly proportional to the chances the elevator will be non-functioning.

57. Here is a simple ETOH test: Hold your hands about 6 inches apart with thumbs and forefingers touching and ask pt. what color string you are holding. If pt. indicates a color it is a positive test.

58. A tourniquet around the neck solves all problems.

59. If you drop the baby, pick it up.

60. The dead never get better, on the other hand they never get worse.

61. O2 is good, blue is bad.

62. Never trust a ER doc with anything sharper than a tongue depressor

63. Less than 8, intubate (GCS score).

64. Asystole is a very stable rhythm

65. A Pt.’s weight is in direct proportion to their altitude in the building.

66. A Pt.’s weight is directly related to the number of stair flights between him/her and the rig.

67. “When in trouble, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout”.

68. EMS RULE OF THREES (as it relates to codes) 300 pounds <30 minutes to shift change 3 stories up in the building.

69. Whoops: 1) the monitor just fell down the stairs, 2) the cold and flu patient just coded, 3) the wrong house. ( hint: the one with the lab probably didn't call 911)

70. Rules: 1) Don't get dirty, 2) Don't run, you may violate rule #1, 3) If it looks like you might get dirty doing something let the new guy do it.

71. For every ALS skill we learn, we forget a BLS one.

72. The fire tetrahedron consists of the following: heat, oxygen, fuel, chief officer. Take any of them away and the fire goes out.

73. "Compassion Kills", don't dive into incidents.

74. When a call comes in 2 min. before shift change you will always pass your relief 1 block from the station. he/she/ it will be laughing and waving at you.

75. If there is little to be gained, there is little to be lost. If there is a lot to gain, there is a lot to be lost.

76. If you lift an inch, crib an inch.

77. What do you call a medical student who finishes last in their class? Doctor.

78. If you think the cost of education is expensive, check out the cost of ignorance.

79. Universal Precautions – Is it wet? Is it yours? If it is, and it isn't then leave it alone.

80. Death is a stabilization of the patient's condition.

81. Every Emergency has three phases – PANIC, FEAR, AND REMORSE.

89. You are bound to get a call either during dinner, while you are on the can, or at 02:00 in the middle of a great dream.

90. Training is learning the rules, experience is learning the exceptions.

91. Rocket scientists that get into stupid car crashes are the first ones to complain how bumpy the ambulance ride is.

92. "Poke & Hope" = blind sticking

93. Why do fire chiefs where white helmets? So you know where the Preparation H goes.

94. Never trust your rig, drug box, or airway bag to be fully stocked. (In spite of the assurances of the off going crew.)

95. If you don't have it, don't give up. Adapt, improvise, overcome, (then call for a second unit).

96. There is no such thing as a "textbook case".

97. Newbies always look for large things in the smallest compartments and vice versa.

98. There is no such thing as a bad call. Only calls that didn't go the way you planned.

99. Just because someone's EMT or Paramedic original license date is before yours does not mean they know what they are doing.

100. Truckies are people who are over 6 feet tall and their hands drag the ground while walking upright.

101. Newbies have there own way of doing things.

102. When it comes to needles, 'tis better to give than to receive.

103. Listening to some EMT's talk on the radio makes you wonder why they don't become professional auctioneers.

104. For every 25 calls you run, only 1 will be exciting.

105. Take comfort in the fact that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

106. The old EMS constant; no matter how bad the politics get, the doors go up and the trucks go out.

107. ALS really stands for "absolute loss of sense".

108. Most of your patients are healthier than you are.

109. Being in emergency services means you get to celebrate your holidays with all your friends, while on-duty.

110. Being an EMT means you get to expose yourself to rare, exotic and exciting new diseases.

111. EMS does not save lives, EMS is to care for people. It is 95% of what we do.

112. You fall, you call, we haul, that's all.

113. There are two kinds of EMS calls: "Oh-Shit!" and "Bull-Shit!"

114. Call 1st, call fast, gotta make that v-fib last, till we shock 'um, make 'um jump,get a rhythm, and a pump

115. When rate is slow, when BP is low,we give atropine, so we can go go go!

116. When you join the kidney club, you usually cannot go.

117. Common sense isn't.

118.The more reflective stripping there is on your jumpsuit, the easier it is for the only drunkdriver going by the MVA to find you.

119. If you have a ride-along you want to show the real world, nothing will happen that shift.

120. EMS goes against the process of natural selection.

121. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean your supervisor's not around the corner.

122. You can't cure stupid.

123. If it's wet and sticky and not yours, leave it alone!

124. If at all possible, avoid any edible item that firefighters prepare, especially the tuna casserole.

125. Heaven protects Fools and Drunks.

126.We are all slaves to the god "Motorola"

127. Only medical control option that can always be used # 48 "Drive Faster"

128. Murphy was an optimist.

129. The address is never clearly marked.

130. EMS doesn't save lives we only "postpone the inevitable."

131. Supervisors become that because they won't be missed in the field.

132. The god "Motorola" desires sacrifices of hot food at least once a shift.

133. Even sterile water tastes great on a hot day.

134. The stereo must always be louder than the siren.

135. At the beginning of your shift, your main O2 tank, fuel tank, and stomach will be empty…but the call volume will be full.

136. you know you are in trouble when the directions to a patient's house include… " turn off of the paved surface…"

137. Anyone with a "T" to "T" ratio of less than 5 to 1 is guaranteed to be drunk, on drugs, or both. ("T" to "T" means teeth to tattoos)

138. All arrhythmia's eventually straighten themselves out.

139. Dead is dead, leave it at that.

139. Your seriously ill pt. will miraculously get better when you roll them into the ER.

140. Your pt. will get new symptoms after radio report and pulling up to ER.

141. Don't get excited about blood unless its your own

142. The pain will go away when it stops hurting.

143.If nothing has gone wrong you obviously don't understand the situation.

144. You should always stop CPR after the second ouch!, from the PT.

145. People don't call an Ambulance because they did something right.

146. The quickest way to gather the relatives is to leave the primaries on while at the scene.

147. Every nurse is right as long as you are in THEIR E.D.

148. When in doubt, always take another set of vital signs.

149. If your patient is violent you can always use O2 therapy (an O2 bottle across the head usually calms them down).

150. The larger the house the furthest from a door the patient will be.

151. If the patient fell and was moved by the family, they will have moved them so that climbing stairs will be involved.

152. The furniture will always be arranged so that a stretcher or stairchair will never fit easily.

153. The problem won't be that bad until a major disaster strikes. (you have had chest pain for 3 days and wail till the middle of a blizzard to call?!?!?)

154. The Patient will all of a sudden develop a PMH as soon as the ED nurse asks for one.

155. The same (#154) applies for medications

156. Whenever you have NO lights or sirens on, everyone on the road will pull over for you, whether you want them to or not.

157. The probability of getting a code 3 call is directly proportional to how badly you need to go to the bathroom.

158. You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing.

159.Dispatchers tell everyone where to go, inversely, everyone would like to tell the dispatcher where to go!

160. If you ever do tell the dispatcher where to go they will give you more places to go (or never piss off the nice dispatcher).

161. A patient's weight will always be inversely proportional to the size of the vehicle they choose to wreck. (in other words, the fatter they are, the smaller their car.)

162. It's not our emergency……….it's our patients! (For all you newbies who forget to take a chill pill!)

163. If someone is pointing a gun at you, 2 things 1. you should have waited for PD, 2. you wish you just hadn't made that wise ass comment.

164. Fellow paramedics always have a better story than your's.

165. Just when you say, "You know, I have never had a hanging….", you will get one.

165. The only time you go out on a limb (As a Dispatcher), and not provide coverage so a crew can eat, a serious call will come in that area.

166. The only time you need to fart is when you have your patient loaded in the elevator.

167. The only time your pant's split is when there are gorgeous Police Officers there to assist you.

168. You will get caught sleeping, eventually.

169. never say the kind of call you are in the mood for in the begining of the shift, you will get it in the worst way (I.e mva in the pouring rain)

170. Make sure the newbie knows that the portable O2 is the one to bring to a code (not the main)

171. God made Paramedics and EMT's to give him a chance to change his mind!!!

172. Beware when a firefighter says "Check this out."

173. never let a rookie drive the truck when they drive a tiny car. bridges are scary as hell and curbs are ruff.

174. your driver will never hit a pot hole or curb unless your pt has a bad fracture.

175. the worse your pts breath is the quiter they will talk. you will have to get closer to hear them

176. No matter howmany times and ways you ask the patient questions, the story will always change once they get into the ER making you look like an ass.

177. If ever in doubt which house you were called to look for the stairs.

178. If there aren't nurses around when you get called to a nursing home go to the last room in the hallway thats always where the sickest pts are

179. Never start putting your stuff away before you are told to go home because you have just given yourself another call

180. When in doubt let your partner handle it

181. When getting a TMJ call on Sunday never say it around your pt it sucks when you have to tell them what it means ( too much Jesus)

182. When giving a radio report never tell the er nurse that your pt is stable, by the time you get there you will be working a code!!

183. If the patient pukes, it is not unprofessional to puke along with them it is sympathetic puking. You have something in common with your patient and
can relate to how they feel. That is what they made the big step well by the side door.

184. If the patient only moans when you listen to lung sounds …. They aren't as sick as they want to be.

185. If a p/t tells you he/she is going to die, believe them they are probably right. (been there).

186. When in doubt remember the p/t is sick, the ambulance has wheels, USE THEM!

187. 911 The government's answer to dial a prayer

188. The more addicted your patient is to valium, morphine, etc…. The more they are allergic to torodal…….

189. You can have circulation with no breathing-but you can NOT have breathing with no circulation

190. On trauma calls – survivability is inversely proportionate to social worth!

191. How you know an unconscious is a DOA 1) If it weighs over 300 pounds it's a DOA 2) if it lives more than three flights up in a walkup apartment it's a DOA 3) if its less than 30 minutes left in the shift it's a DOA

192. EMS providers know how to say "got shoes" in 7 different languages.

193. All fevers eventually reach room temperature

194. Cops make the best gas leak detectors in a Haz-Mat incident, they approach the scene and pass out

195. Message to Newbies: People are going to get sick, People are going to get hurt, and People are going to die. This is not a multiple choice job. You must be able to handle ALL OF THE ABOVE!

196. Never go past the first dead cop.

197. There will be no dying or multiplying in the back of my unit. (They die on scene or are pronounced at the hospital. Birth happens on scene or at the hospital.)

198. The worse you have to use the restroom, the farther the distance it will be from the location of the call to the hospital.

199. When entering a HazMat scene: "Never pass the first dead canary (cop)"

200. Some people can do this job some can't. Pray you are partners with one who can.

201. All rhythms will eventually degenerate into one you will recognize and can treat.

202. If God had intended you to have a rapid response to the call, you would have been parked in front of the location.

203. Upon arrival at a code, check your own pulse first, if it is still there everything else is easy.

204. As soon as you finish cleaning the rig up for a parade You'll have to drive ten miles down a road filled with mud puddles for a difficulty breathing.

205. IF you ever go to a call and find the cops laughing on the front lawn…worry!

206. Cops are wonderful assessment tools at a HazMat incident. Send them in with a lit road flare. If they don't pass out or blow up, it's safe.

207. Remember that it is the patient's emergency, not yours

208. Try to keep your pulse rate lower than your patient's

209. If you drop the baby-fake a siezure

210. Trauma is treated with diesel first

The Day He Told Me

It had been a horrible week. I was stressing with state tests coming up, finishing school, my parents announce their divorce to us kids (after telling the entire family months prior), the ex boyfriend was causing trouble, hell job was more hell, life was just…tough.

My man and I were still “friends” at this point. We were kind of like teenagers sneaking around. He had done nothing more than hugged me and kissed my forehead a few times at this point. We would meet in parks, empty parking lots, commuter lots, my basement after everyone had fallen asleep…where ever we could to talk. He’d hold me close if I needed it, I’d cry sometimes, but we did nothing more than talk.

One day between school and work, I was having a particularly bad day, so he meet me at a small park, one many people pass by and rarely visit. We talked, I cried some, then it came time to leave. He gave me a hug bye and I’ll never forget the words he whispered that day.

“I am so in love with you.”

I heard it, but it didn’t fully register. I knew he loved me, but he was in love with me…I figured he might be, but never expected to hear it. I didn’t say anything, I just left and went to work. I sat there thinking about it for hours, totally distracted. Was that really what I heard? Was it so?

I never brought it up, not that day, not that week, I didn’t say anything about it. Our relationship developed, we became more, and I finally asked about that day. He doesn’t remember saying it, but he said he remembers thinking it. He said he had been thinking it for a while, but never realized he said it. I guess it really is love when you say it and don’t realize it?

PTSD?

Over the past several months I have been doing a lot of research and reading, and I mean LOTS! My man mentioned before that he thinks I might be bipolar because my moods change so frequently, however anyone that knows anything about bipolar knows it takes them longer to change from mood to mood. I have a few friends that are, I’ve read a lot on it too, and I don’t think its that at all. Besides, no history of that in the family and I’m never in a manic stage, just depressed or normal. So I started doing a lot of reading to figure out what it might be.

I have ADHD, been diagnosed twice with it. Once when I was younger but my parents said it’s a bullshit disease and they are not paying for medication for it. They said I need my ass beat more, that would fix it…nice, huh? As an adult I got rediagnosed, this time I am taking medication for it. I found some interesting information that confirms my ADHD has a lot to do with my moods. I don’t have the link anymore, but here’s the information I copied over that confirmed it is ADHD and not bipolar.

ADHD

ADHD is characterized by significantly higher levels of inattention, distractibility, impulsivity, and/or physical restlessness than would be expected in a person of similar age and development. For a diagnosis of ADHD, such symptoms must be consistently present and impairing. ADHD is about 10 times more common than BMD in the general population.

Bipolar Mood Disorder (BMD)

By diagnostic definition, mood disorders are “disorders of the level or intensity of mood in which the mood has taken on a life of its own, separate from the events of a person’s life and outside of [his] conscious will and control.” In people with BMD, intense feelings of happiness or sadness, high energy (called “mania”), or low energy (called “depression”) shift for no apparent reason over a period of days to weeks, and may persist for weeks or months. Commonly, there are periods of months to years during which the individual experiences no impairment.

Making a diagnosis

Because of the many shared characteristics, there is a substantial risk of either a misdiagnosis or a missed diagnosis. Nonetheless, ADHD and BMD can be distinguished from each other on the basis of these six factors:

1. Age of onset: ADHD is a lifelong condition, with symptoms apparent (although not necessarily impairing) by age seven. While we now recognize that children can develop BMD, this is still considered rare. The majority of people who develop BMD have their first episode of affective illness after age 18, with a mean age of 26 years at diagnosis. (I was diagnosed at a very young age, around like 7 or 8 and still have it.)

2. Consistency of impairment: ADHD is chronic and always present. BMD comes in episodes that alternate with more or less normal mood levels. (I’m always aggitated, hyperactive, and just plain restless.)

3. Mood triggers: People with ADHD are passionate, and have strong emotional reactions to events, or triggers, in their lives. Happy events result in intensely happy, excited moods. Unhappy events — especially the experience of being rejected, criticized, or teased — elicit intensely sad feelings. With BMD, mood shifts come and go without any connection to life events. (Yes, this very much describes me. I have strong emotional reactions to events, even when I can’t explain it. As for unhappy events…yep…that is what I deal with, intensely sad feelings, more intense than I can explain.)

4. Rapidity of mood shift: Because ADHD mood shifts are almost always triggered by life events, the shifts feel instantaneous. They are normal moods in every way, except in their intensity. They’re often called “crashes” or “snaps,” because of the sudden onset. By contrast, the untriggered mood shifts of BMD take hours or days to move from one state to another. (Mine can shift so quickly, and I can’t even explain it. Happens in seconds sometimes.)

5. Duration of moods: Although responses to severe losses and rejections may last weeks, ADHD mood shifts are usually measured in hours. The mood shifts of BMD, by DSM-IV definition, must be sustained for at least two weeks. For instance, to present “rapid-cycling” bipolar disorder, a person needs to experience only four shifts of mood, from high to low or low to high, in a 12-month period. Many people with ADHD experience that many mood shifts in a single day. (Same as before, my moods shift so often.)

6. Family history: Both disorders run in families, but individuals with ADHD almost always have a family tree with multiple cases of ADHD. Those with BMD are likely to have fewer genetic connections. (I have an extensive family history of ADHD, but no bipolar in the family at all.)

With all that being said, I have confirmed it’s not bipolar, on many levels and from much more reading. But what is it? After reading webpage after webpage, and books upon books, there is a good possibility that it is simply my ADHD, however there is a good possibility that PTSD is also causing problems. I found some of this information on ADHD and PTSD.

  • Often the symptoms begin as feeling a bit dazed and numb–things seem a bit hazy or unclear–that can continue for several days or weeks. Disassociation is a common response to trauma, not unlike the times one’s mind just disappears with ADHD. (I know all about this one, but is it my ADHD causing it? Or something more?)
  • The confusion and dreaminess is usually followed by or accompanied with anxiety, often the generalized (free-floating) anxiety that feels like edginess, being easily startled and jumpy for no apparent reason. (Yes, completely. I have had some horrible anxiety lately with no real explanation for it.)
  • People usually have problems sleeping or relaxing. Hyper-vigilance, that constant sense of urgency, being on guard or ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’, ramps up the anxiety to the point of paranoia at times. This can lead to sleep deprivation, which amplifies the hyper-vigilance and many other problems. (Sleep problems? Check. Relaxing problems? Check. I’m always waiting and feel a sense of urgency even when I have nothing coming up.)
  • Isolation is pretty common for people who are hyper-vigilant or paranoid. In the extreme, people become afraid to go about their daily lives; in less extreme cases, they may avoid certain areas or trigger points and try to continue with their daily routine. If left untreated, this can lead to problems at work or school, in relationships or other facets of daily living. (I think I have hit that “untreated” point now because it is really starting to cause problems.)
  • Symptoms of depression may also follow: Frequent crying, feeling ‘flat’ (aka blah) or sad, lack of energy, loss of interest in things you usually enjoy, irritability or agitation, problems with concentration, changes in eating and sleep patterns, for some, thoughts of suicide or death and feeling guilty or worthless. (Crying for no apparent reason? Yes. Just plain sad, complete lost of interest…all of the above.)

So…my ADHD might be the main problem, but there is a good possibility that PTSD is causing problems too. It’s one of those disorders people don’t really understand. I think this quote might help people understand what a “stressful situation” is…because it’s always different, based on the person.

People react differently to events. Some people are traumatized by seemingly benign events that other people experience and shake off easily. Others survive horrific events that seem traumatic without long-lasting psychological damage.

So looking at this bit of information helps explain some things too. See…it’s not the big events that have caused me to get to this point, it’s the “stupid pointless crap” that has gotten me here. Understand? I have ran many stressful calls, many, but they never seem to effect me. I have this ability to disassociate myself from that, I can disconnect from it. I am able to separate it and not think about it, it doesn’t bother me. It’s the things from every day life that get to me. The things from every day life are what bother me the most. Starting from early life with my parents, starting with my first beating. Here’s a little bit more reading for you, just giving more information about my ADHD and what could have caused it more.

In a study that compared girls with ADHD to girls not suffering from it, higher rates of abuse were found in the ADHD population. Of the girls with ADHD, 14.3 percent had been abused. Of the girls without ADHD, 4.5 percent had been abused.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) show a high degree of comorbidity in traumatized children. Two hypotheses may help explain this relationship: children with ADHD are at higher risk for trauma due to their impulsivity, dangerous behaviors, and parents who may have a genetic predisposition for impairment of their own impulse control; and hyperarousal induced by severe trauma and manifested by hypervigilance and poor concentration may impair attention to create an ADHD-like syndrome.

As you see, there is a lot of overlap in symptoms and a reported high incidence of abuse in kids with ADD/ADHD. PTSD can exacerbate your ADHD symptoms – and create anxiety with new symptomsEACH TIME THE EVENT IS TRIGGERED IN YOUR PRESENT LIFE.

After much reading from several different places, there is a good possibility that my problem is PTSD. After I started thinking about it, I realized that there are “triggers” I have, things that cause great stress and make things worse for me. However, not everything is completely explainable, sometimes I have rapid mood changes without full explanation. Maybe those are triggers I don’t have figured out yet? I don’t know.

What do you think? Do you know anyone with PTSD that is having problems too? Especially on with ADHD? Because I would like to find other people to talk to that have this.

Keep Me Alive

I have not gotten my ass out of bed the entire day. My only day off in months and I haven’t done a single thing I need to.I haven’t eaten. I haven’t had anything to drink. I haven’t answered the phone. I haven’t moved, except to get on here. My thoughts have been all over. I can’t focus. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to geocache, I don’t want to go out, I don’t want to move. Fall is my favorite time of the year and I just love Halloween. Guess what…not a single Halloween decoration has been put up. Nothing. Holiday’s lost their magic for me, but that’s a whole different story, one no one cares to hear.

I don’t even want to sit here and type but I don’t know what else to do. I thought about cleaning, but the longer I delay that, the longer I delay the inevitable. See, when I tried to vanish the first time I refused to do so until my room was completely cleaned up and I had gone through all my stuff. I refuse to leave stuff behind that people might go through or check. I want everything gone that I don’t want people to go through. My computer, it will be wiped. My iPad and iPhone, the same…everything will be removed. Any old notebooks around will be burned. All my lose ends will be straightened up.

You want in on a little secret? I’ll tell you because honestly, you can’t track me down and stop me. I’ve been working on letters. Letters to every asshole at that job. Letters to every asshole in my life. Telling them exactly what I think of them and their effect on someones life. I’m also working on letters to the only two people that seem happy to know me, my cousins. I want them to know I’m sorry, but how do you explain that in a letter? I don’t know…maybe one day they will understand. I plan to resign from that hell hole job shortly before, just in hopes of doing something good for someone else down the road. Here, read my letter of resignation and then the second letter I am sending to the Chief with it, maybe that will explain some of it.

My Name
My Address
My town, state, zip code
My phone number
my e-mail address @ no one cares. com

Whatever day I sent this goes here
His name
Chief of hell job
Hell jobs name goes here
Location of hell job
Hell, Hell and zip code here

Dear Chief Scary,

Please accept this letter as my resignation with “hell job”. After the current month’s schedule, I will not be submitting availability for shifts with the “hell” department.

Thank you for the opportunity to work for “fucking hell”. I have learned valuable skills I can take with me on my future career path. I appreciate the opportunity to work with a department that has taught me the value of customer service and the important role it has in our career.

I regret to inform you that I can no longer work for the organization. No single circumstance has lead to my decision, this has been a difficult one to make. For my own wellbeing, I am resigning from the position of “worthlessness” with “hell”.

Take care in the future and thank you for everything.

Sincerely yours,

“The employee in hell”

I think it’s a pretty decent letter, you? I wrote it fast, too fast, but maybe I can sit on it for a bit. And for your entertainment, this letter will be accompanying it, what do you think?

Dear Chief Scary,

As you know I recently resigned my position with “hell”. I would like to take a few final minutes of your time to explain some things that I felt not appropriate for a resignation letter.

I would like to start by thanking you for your time and help when I needed it most. I appreciate everything you have done for me these past few months and can not thank you enough. However, as much as you tried, not every problem can be fixed. Problems with “hell” started when I came to work here and they have not stopped since, it is simply just too much to be fixed. When one problem stops, another is created. The only solution I could see to this problem was my resignation.

I would like to apologize for using the little time you have available in having to deal with problems within the “hell” department, I know it is difficult running one department and you have two under your hands. I have tried my best to avoid trouble and brush things off so yourself and others would not have to be bothered with small problems. The only problem with this, is that all the small problems started building up and turning into larger problems. This is when I finally had to turn to yourself and Chief NotScary for help.

I simply wanted time away from work to think about my career with “hell”. I knew that if I stayed at work, my decision would be based on emotion and I might do something I would regret later. I never intended to have to bother you and bring up other problems that have happened over my time here, you asked questions and I answered. I wanted to be completely honest with you.

At this time I owe you another apology, for not speaking the complete truth to yourself and Mr. Attended-Our-Meeting during our meeting, I am truly sorry for this. Please send my apologies to Mr. Attended-Our-Meeting if you choose. During the meeting you asked if anything else had happened between myself and “Captain Jackass”, I shook my head no. I am sorry I did not tell you the truth, I wanted to, but could not. Remembering everything that has happened and trying to get it all out broke me, I am sorry for my tears.

The incident between “Captain Jackass” and myself is something I have been trying to forget since it happened. I am sorry I could not bring myself to talk about it that day. After our meeting I contacted Chief NotScary and asked him to inform you of the incident since I was unable to do so myself. It was hard telling someone what had happened the first time, I could not talk about it again. I know he denies what has happened and blames the incident on me, this I have known since he was first confronted about it. The two employees that witnessed the incident have taken to “Captain Jackass”‘s side as well, making my story sound false. I am sorry I could not tell you that day, but it is something I am trying very hard to block from my memory.

This was just one of many incidents, each one has built up to be too many. If one employee starts to leave me alone, then another employee takes their place. There is never a break or stop in the problems. I am constantly accused of one thing after another, more times than I can remember. I cannot work in this environment any longer, it is killing me. I can not take listening to people talk behind my back, laughing at me, calling me names, or the daily treatment I have to deal with, it is just too much.

I appreciate you granting me time away from work, I truly needed it, especially after “LT Asshole” made his comment. I spent most of my time off thinking about returning to work and if I should do so. I finally decided that I would return to work, but only until I either found another job or could not take the job any longer. I used to love my job here, however it gets harder to continue working when you are the lowest paid employee with zero incentive watching the highest paid employees sleep and avoid extra work. I believe in earning your paycheck and want to earn every penny handed to me, however if I stay this may not happen any longer.

Thank you for allowing me to work with “hell”. It has taught me some very valuable lessons in life that I will take with me. I am sorry to resign but staying here is causing too many problems to my mental health. I need to make a change and make things better for myself. I will miss PR events and teaching around town, the citizens here have made that great for me.

I do have one final requested upon my resignation with “hell”. Problems within the “hell” department got very difficult for myself, especially after the incident with “Captain Jackass” and eventually “LT Asshole”. I asked Chief NotScary if the city offered some type of assistance. I did not ask to gain time off work, which I appreciate you granting, I was asking for help. I was informed that since I am not a full time employee, there was nothing available for myself. I think this is something that needs changed. I was in a desperate situation with no where to turn after two separate incidents at work, yet had no form of help for me. I would hope the City of “hell” could fix this for any future employees that might need the help I was seeking.

Thank you for everything you have done for me. Good luck in the future and stay safe out there. I hope I can use you as a reference for future employment.

Sincerely yours,

The worthless employee

What do you think? I probably shouldn’t send that second letter. Just not worth it I guess.

You know the only good thing about life right now, the only thing keeping me going? Probably sounds stupid to you, but my dog. He has spent the entire day with me and those innocent eyes have been watching me. It’s like he knows, like he sense it and he won’t leave my side. I needed him today and he’s what’s keeping me going right now.

Reading for Your Pleasure

Since I can’t seem to help myself, maybe this reading can help someone else out there.

I found this link today while trying to find someone that could maybe help me: Grieving Behind the Badge.

And this was an interesting read too:

Suicides among Firefighters and Paramedics

Wednesday, March 2, 2011 Suicides Among Firefighters and Paramedics
By Gary Ludwig

This is not an easy subject to write about. Throughout my 33-year career, I have seen too many of my fellow brother and sister firefighters and paramedics commit suicide. You may have known someone you worked with who has also committed suicide. It happened in St. Louis more than once during my 25-year career there and in my 5 ½ years working for the Memphis Fire Department it has happened more than once also. Besides St. Louis and Memphis, I hear from my colleagues occasionally of a firefighter and paramedic suicide from around the country.

Those who are left behind try to figure out what happened to drive the person to this point and sometimes blame themselves for missing warning signs that they remember later.

In the cases I have been involved in and those I have know of from around the country, most suicides are really not about death. Most firefighters and paramedics do not want to die; they want an end to the incredible emotional pain and misery they feel. In the general public, some people commit suicide because of a terminal disease or chronic pain. But this is not usually the case with active firefighters and paramedics.

One of the more notable paramedic suicides involves the rescue of baby Jessica McClure in Midland, Texas in 1987 after she fell down a 18-inch wide well. CNN was a fledgling news station at the time and there was almost round the clock coverage of the rescue attempt that lasted 58 hours. Robert O’Donnell is the paramedic who is mostly credited with saving baby Jessica. O’Donnell received tremendous media coverage as a result of the rescue. In 1995, eight years after the incident and suffering from post-traumatic shock disorder from the rescue, he committed suicide.

My research shows that no one truly tracks the number of suicides among paramedics, firefighters, or even police officers. Some say the reason why is that because suicide overall — the cause of nearly 11 of every 100,000 U.S. deaths annually — is underreported.

USA Today did an article in 2003 and found that at least 100 police officers and paramedics committed suicide while on the job between 1992 and 2001. They did their research by delving into Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) records.

But OSHA only tracks on-the-job deaths – not those occur off the job. Moreover, many states do not track deaths by occupation, making it nearly impossible to study suicide rates of paramedics. USA Today reported in the article that one of the few such studies, published in 2002 year, found that New York City police officers were no more likely to kill themselves than other New Yorkers of comparable race, gender and age. The study covered deaths between 1977 and 1996.

A newspaper article earlier this year in Sydney, Australia about a paramedic committing suicide gave the statistics that one paramedic commits suicide each year in the region, and the rate of one in 3,500 paramedics is almost three times higher than the general community’s one in 10,000.

In early 2009, the Chicago Fire Department started to look at suicides of firefighters. According to union president Tom Ryan in a Chicago Tribune newspaper article, in the last year there were six suicides and undisclosed number of attempted suicides among Chicago firefighters and paramedics. The Chicago Fire Department has approximately 5,000 firefighters and paramedics.

Being a paramedic has a tremendous amount of stress. In some systems, not only is there the high run volume, but the difficulty of making life-and-death decisions on some calls. If you are a paramedic that works for an administration that is ready to discipline you for the slightest mistake, the stress factor increases tremendously. No paramedic should live in fear that they have to walk on eggshells for fear of being suspended for the slightest mistake. Remember, paramedics do things wrong for three reasons, they are unaware, they are unable, or they are unwilling. An administration should only be using discipline as a tool to correct behavior if a paramedic is unwilling to perform correctly.

The important thing for people in our profession is to support each other. It may not necessarily be the stress of the job that makes a firefighter or paramedic commit suicide, but it could be all the stress in their life, coupled with stress on the job. They might be experiencing financial problems, marital or relationship problems, or a substance abuse problem. Couple one of these with stress from the job, and some firefighters and paramedics may feel the only solution is suicide. There is a lot that can be learned when you work with someone for a long number of hours in the day and sometimes you may be the only person they can talk to. Do not ignore some of the things they are saying to you. It may be even necessary to report it to a supervisor so that professional intervention can be available for the person.

Unfortunately, suicide is a final solution that there is no turning back from. Once the act is complete, there is no other alternative. There is no undoing it! It is important that firefighters and paramedics recognize when a fellow professional is in need of help and do everything possible to get them that help since a successful suicide cannot be undone!