Movie Night

My mood is picking up, but only slightly. I return to hell tomorrow and have to face the (now ex) lieutenant in the morning followed by the (now ex) captain in shortly after that…just wonderful! The other day I made a complaint on the ex-lieutenant and his crew for leaving the truck unable to operate a call, which is inexcusable because the last call they ran was 3pm the DAY BEFORE! Pure lazy, the whole crew he had that day has been nothing but a problem.

Well he found out that a complaint was made and assumed it was me. For the record, I was not the only one that complained. He then sent out a bitch ass e-mail about it to the staff that I left the truck unstocked one day and a complaint was made on that and it would have been easier to just restock the truck than to complain about it. So let me get this straight…it’s ok for him to complain about me, but not for me to make a VALID complaint on him?!

As for the day in question, when “I” left the truck unstocked…few things. I was not moved trucks, therefore I was not even on the vehicle he claims was “unstocked.” Also, he filled out the paperwork claiming “I” was the one, the ONLY one that left that vehicle unstocked…uh, I’m pretty sure I can’t run the truck alone…just saying. Wouldn’t my partner be responsible too? And more responsible since his license is higher than mine? And lastly, the stuff that the crew the NIGHT BEFORE did not put on the truck…it just was the “extra” supplies because there was more than enough of it in the bags to run calls. The items he left off the truck…you could not have run a call.

So, in response to his e-mail, I sent one of my own, but only to him and not the staff like he did. Well, it politely asked him to “leave me the fuck alone” or I will seek further action, including a lawyer. I also reminded him that I was NOT the one that made a demeaning statement about myself in front of other employees…he did!

To keep my mind off of that, I’m making myself another t-shirt. One of my favorite movies is The Sandlot. “You’re killing me smalls!” has been a line my friends and I have used many times. Since I can’t find any shirts I like that say that, I’m making my own. I’m super excited! I’ll be sure to post pictures as soon as it’s all done. It’s really helping keep my mind off of stuff. And so is Pretty Woman! I love this movie!! One of the few age gap movies out there and an excellent one at that! Gotta love handsome rich men that tell you to shop! : )

Things with my man are going good, we’re leaving for a week vacation soon…actually going to be headed to another blogger I follow’s location. (Bonus points if you can figure that one out!) I’m super excited! It’ll give me chances to take LOTS of beautiful pictures! I wish I could share more here, but that would give myself away too much. Sorry. I do have a gig lined up to take pictures of a friends kid for her senior photos. They love my pictures so they just want to add her into it. They’d rather pay me, than pay someone they don’t know for conventional pictures. So I get to try my hand at that next week. Been a while since I’ve done people in the pictures.

But back to my man…my mom called him my boyfriend again! Maybe our goal of breaking her in slowly is working…I hope! I think she really is starting to get used to the idea, which is good because I’m pretty sure he’s not going anywhere any time soon…

SOS

I need help! And fast. I’m not going to lie here, I’m going to tell it as it is. For the record, I hate those “suicidal, I just want attention” patients, but I’m really having a hard time. I’m seriously considering joining all these other people jumping off our bridge in town, I’m starting to think they have a good idea here. I’m just so sick of these assholes at this job. I need help.

I was brave enough to send my immediate Chief an e-mail asking for help, however there seems to not be much he can do. Apparently our city doesn’t offer the employee assistance program…to anyone, full time or not. Considering I’m not even full time, I’m just shit out of luck. I need help, bad, but it seems there’s nothing that can help me. I know I need help, but it’s hard. I can’t really afford to pay for counseling out of pocket and it’s all this shit at work causing me to be like this.

This (now ex) lieutenant that got demoted for calling me a horrible name, is making my life a living hell! He’s turning me in for EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING HE CAN! And behind my back. He’s treating me so shitty at work that other employees are commenting on it. It makes me want to off myself. I need help so bad!!

Does anyone know what I can do?? If I have to…I guess I’ll pay out of pocket for counseling, but without insurance I can use…this is hard. I’m so lost, scared of making a horrible mistake, and just…hurting, so much more than I’m letting people know. I can’t handle this! I can’t!

T-shirt Project

I’ve been trying to keep my mind busy and my body away from depression. It’s hard. Tonight I decided to make my own t-shirt, what do you think?

Tomorrow I have to be up WAY too early for shift and teaching CPR while there, but “hell” is bringing me down! I’ll have to fill you in when I can get my mind to settle. I cried today over that place and my awesome man (who still needs a name) came to hold me and make it all better.

Anyway, story later because in 5 hours I have to be up for a 17 hour shift, so for now…my shirt. Do you like?

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The front.

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The back.

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Before the finals.

Have You Ever?

Have you ever had so much on your mind that you can’t talk about any of it? You don’t know where to begin, where to end, where to go from thought to thought? Your mind is just racing, nothing ends, nothing begins, it just all runs together and becomes one jumbled mess? You’ve heard of the snowball effect, right? Everyone has. One small thing just keeps building and building as it rolls downhill and becomes one giant mess. That’s my life right now. But where to begin…

It started one Saturday when I was watching tv at work. That was the day my (now ex) Captain laid his hands on me. Remember that story? He ruined my life where at work, not that it wasn’t already bad, it just got worse. I can’t tell you how many times I locked myself in a bedroom, drove to a park, or hid in a truck to cry my eyes out because of these people. They are driving me to my edge, in fact they put me on it a few times. I was close to a big mistake, which is looking pretty good right now.

Fast forward a year and 4 months later, after a continued living hell. The one officer I like, get along with, enjoy working with…he has to open his mouth. Once again, I find myself in a living nightmare. It was on a Saturday again, I had once again just sat down from working while everyone else is on their asses. You know this story already, you’ve read it before. Needless to say…it ended up once again with an officer losing his title.

My fault, again. Had I kept my mouth shut on both of these cases, I could have been out of this trouble. It’s all my fault this Lieutenant lost his title and pay, at least that’s the “rumor” going around here. See, when he got in trouble he was instructed not to tell anyone what happened, for my protection and as terms to keep his job. Well guess what…everyone knows…go figure. My conclusion? He told his wife, who told all her “girlfriends”, who happens to be connected to a guy that works for us, who then told everyone here.

I knew it wouldn’t take long to get out, but the question is…what exactly does everyone know? Do they know it was me? Well of course they do because things have gotten about 1000 times worse for me since I returned! Now, what exactly did he tell them I did? Did he tell them it’s my fault for ratting him out? Because that’s true. I told on him, so yes, it’s my fault he lost his title. However, I’m no sure what I did to make him say what he said. I wish someone would tell me what I did.

I just want to quit. Quit my job. Quit my life. I just want to give up more than you can ever imagine! I just want to walk over to my Chief’s office and tell him I quit, with everything. I just want to run, forever, and never look back. I just want to break down and cry. For hours. I just want to vanish. Not a soul would care, not a soul would know I was gone.

My man is trying to help, but there’s only so much someone can do. Especially someone that walked away from this mess because he couldn’t handle it anymore. Now I’m stuck on my own. Battling for myself. I need a new job bad! I wish someone would hire, and fast! If I could afford to quit, believe me I would! But I’m not one of those people that can live off the government, or not pay my bills. I’m just not like that. I have a desire to work, to pay my bills, to have a little cash in my pockets. I just need to find a better place to work. I wanted to face these problems, but now I just give up. I’m running from them with my tail between my legs. I need help! I need help so bad right now! I just want to scream it to the world! Someone help me!!