Restless

It’s nights like tonight that make me miss him most and wish we had a “normal” relationship. I love nights when I get to stay with him. He holds me close all night long and rubs my back until I fall asleep. He usually rubs my back to wake me up in the morning too, it sure beats my alarm clock! Nights with him don’t feel so empty, they make me happy, remind we how normal life for us can be.

I wish we had more quality time together, recently that has been lacking and I’m seriously missing time spent in his arms. That’s my safe place, it’s where I know I can’t be hurt. His arms are my happy place, if I’m having a bad day they will fix that. I can feel both his strength and caring from within. I know when I’m there that he will never let anything happen to me, ever. Tonight I could use those arms as thoughts of my past wonder into my mind.

My past…over time it will be visited but it’s far too much for one post. I am working with an amazing friend, who also happens to be a counselor, to move on and fix my life. Oddly enough, he is the same age as my man, but I swear I’m not one of those people that just seeks out older men. I’ve very mature for my age, in all aspects but emotions…I’m still a “child” in that department, but working hard to fix that. Anyway, I have friends that are older, several that are younger…we all mix wonderfully! And several of my friends love hanging out with me and my older man! They think he is great, and especially great for me! I just wish everyone saw that, instead of focusing on our age difference…

I’ve made a decision, and my man is supporting me fully, that if my family wants to treat me back because of who I choose to be with, then they can deal without me in their life. I will only come around when they can accept me and us as we are. I will no long let them control my life and my emotions!

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Migraine from Hell!

For as long as I can remember I have suffered from “headaches” but it wasn’t till after my bad car accident that they were officially diagnosed as “migraines.” Looking back, they were always migraines but my parents never believed me or took me to the doctor. I suffered daily with some sort of head pain, but learned to deal with it and function. I have what I call “functioning migraines” where I can continue my daily routine, but have to limit my physical abilities to keep it from getting worse. I have different medicines and routines based on how the migraine feels and what I think is causing it. I get so many migraines a month that I am disqualified for any migraine study and most medicines used to treat them. On average I get 3-4 migraines a WEEK! Some worse than others, but most where I can still function.

Lately the migraines have been getting worse. I’m still having problems from this horrible wisdom teeth surgery. They are so bad that I don’t sleep at night, usually waking up 5-6 times a night, or just can’t fall asleep to begin with. Anyone with migraines knows plenty of sleep each night helps keep them away…needless to say my migraines have become much more frequent and worse. Usually I have warning signs that I’m getting on and can avoid it getting worse by taking medicine quickly…last night I had zero warning signs and within 5-10 minutes was down.

This was a non-functioning migraine within minutes! I was in tears! I did everything, heat on my head and neck, pressure, medicine, food, cool dark environment…nothing was easing the pain! Finally, several hours later I drifted into an uneasy sleep. Around 10pm I woke up again in serious pain, took more of my migraine medicine and added more heat. I laid in bed till 1am unable to get back to sleep and in tears again because the pain was do bad.

Finally it hit me, I still have heavy medicine left over from the recent surgery. I’m allergic to Vicodin, but can take it if I take Benadryl too. After the Percocet ran out, they could only write me a Rx for the Vicodin, which I still have most of the bottle left. I got up, popped a Benadryl and Vicodin and I was good to go! I passed out in no time and woke up feeling much better today!! Still have what I call the “migraine hangover” but I am in far less pain.

My man hates to see me suffer with these, he says it brakes his heart. He felt horrible last night, he was stuck at work and couldn’t come care for me. When I’m sick or even just a “functioning migraine” he will do everything for me! Takes such good care of me! Unfortunately last night I was on my own and it was horrible! But I got through. I’m so thankful that he’s understanding and has the patience to deal with me when I have these migraines. He’s my totally awesome man! And I love him fully for everything he does for me!

Not So Silent Sunday!

I’m back! Did you miss me? 4 days without any cell phone service, no contact with the outside world, living the simple life like I used to, just camping and not caring about a thing…it was wonderful! My man took such good care of me! And two of my friend came along, they had an awesome time too. He really knows how to do the camping get away and make it enjoyable for everyone. He took really good care of us all. I got plenty of good food, backrubs, feet rubbed and just had an awesome time! When someone talks bad about our relationship, I just think about times like this weekend. Even the “bad” days are better than him not being in my life! He just makes my world a better place!

We spent 2 days of our vacation floating down the river, checking out all the springs and caves, it was amazing. Then the other two days were spent just relaxing and swimming around camp. I did rescue someone off the water. Some idiots decided to take their friend, who can’t swim, floating down a swift moving, deep river in a tube WITHOUT a life jacket…stupid! We heard her screaming, she was stuck in some trees with the water pulling her under and her friend was having a hard time getting her out. We paddled up to shore, I grabbed the rescue rope we just bought, made a text book throw and we got her safely to shore. My awesome man got her taken care of and went on our way. I think I spend more time helping people off duty than I do on duty. It’s an amazing feeling being able to help people in need! : ) And to make the day more successful, we found the only geocache along the river.

Below are a few pictures from our adventure.

 

Anyone looking for a good tarp used for camping shelter, I highly suggest the Kelty Noah’s Tarp! It comes in several sizes, we got the 12’x12′ and it seems perfect for us, but depending on your use, you may need the bigger one. Be advised though, this is designed to go between two trees, we know that there are not always two trees the perfect distance apart…therefore we got the optional poles to go with it too…the poles were $40 a piece!! Ouch! The stakes that come with it are the standard tent stakes like this, but we bought these heavy duty stakes just in case and I’m sure glad we did! They held excellent in the sandy campsite condition. Be advised though, they may not want to come around of the ground, we actually had one bend from trying to remove it, we had to dig it out! We also bought this rope with the easy ties to tie it down, also a wise investment. The rope that comes with it had the nice hooks so you don’t have to tie knots, but it’s black and we all know at night black is not easy to see! The reflective rope saved us several times! We got extra of the reflective rope, but this time did not need to use it, depending on how tall you make the tarp you may need some extra rope, always better to have too much! As you can see from the picture, we set it up like the directions, however there are many different ways to set it up and tie it down. There are black loops all over to make it more secure if needed too. This is one quality built item and well worth the money. Packs light and small, even the poles, we plan on using it for some kayak float/camping trips down river. I know a few people that pack it for backpacking too. You can get cheaper, much lighter poles, but I really recommend these because they don’t feel as cheap, very good quality but still light enough.

Had an amazing weekend, now back to the real world of work at 5am…time to finish unpacking and getting ready. Hope everyone had an awesome weekend too! : )

Vacation, it’s all I ever needed!

Thursday thru Sunday of this week I am going camping, kayaking, and fishing in a section that has zero cell service and I am beyond excited!! I can’t wait to escape from this world! My mother has been extra pissy lately, apparently divorcing my dad didn’t solve all her problems like she had hoped. She’s been screaming at me to do all kinds of work before I leave while my 21 year old, never had a job, failed out of a community college brother sits playing Call of Duty…just bullshit in my opinion, but whatever, her house her rules.

On Mother’s Day my OM came over and we cooked dinner for my mom. She was in a hurry and didn’t really show her appreciate for the food, which is normal for both my parents, part of why I never bother doing anything for them. My OM noticed this too and we had a discussion when we were able to sneak away for a few minutes. We both think that my mom is just not saying anything about us, that she knows what’s going on, but hopes it passes. That seems to be here attitude, like if she ignores it, it’ll go away…sorry mom, this isn’t going away…in fact, our plans are to make it permanent one day. I guess we’ll see where life takes us..

Anyway, just wanted to advise you that I’m tired, have to work 24 hours starting very early in the morning, I just got off work, and I’m leaving for a few days after all of this. Expect more posts when I get back. Thanks for reading my useless ramble. : )

 

Complications

Just one of life’s many joys.

Day two on the new job was amusing and everyone made me feel right at home. I had a lot of fun, once again stuck with all guys but after all the bitches problem at my previous job, I don’t mind this at all. They made it fun for me. So far I like everyone I have worked with and met. They had a lot of fun with me too. It wasn’t all fun and games though, we had two pediatric full arrests, both deceased upon our arrival. Sad day for the families and caused by stupid mistakes. Please people, NEVER put your kid in bed with you! Due to this simple mistake, two families are without their angels. Just so sad.

Recently I started reading Fifty Shades of Grey by E. L. James. No, I’m not one of those people that jump on the bandwagon and started reading this because it’s a New York Times Bestseller. I bought these books a while back and just never got around to reading it, which I finally decided to do with the rest of America. Let me just say it is an amazing book so far! But man, I just want to scream out to Ana!! Men can be intoxicating but can’t she see what is he doing?! Why does she let him do this to her?? I just want to scream at her to run!! Run as far away as you can!! I won’t share any details in case you haven’t read it, but you really should. It’ll pull you in from the beginning. I can’t wait to read the next books in the series.

And to conclude this post…I am a ball of emotions today and they have made me cry this evening over the dumbest thing…I don’t know why I started crying but I couldn’t stop the tears once they came. See, I have a dirtbike and riding it is my escape. It was the way I relaxed, I loved it. It helped me more than I can explain. When I ride, that’s all I think about, for once my mind is focused on just one thing, that’s it. My ex (toxic) boyfriend bought it for me and I loved it from the moment I got it. We used to ride all the time. After we broke up he let me keep it, though I think this was to torture me because I now have no one to ride with and no way to haul it.

The bike has been sitting in the garage for the past two years just tempting me. I haven’t been able to ride it or do anything with it and it just majorly sucks! Today I let it get to me too much and I’m not really sure why, but it got to me so much that I started crying. Crazy…I know. I just miss it so much! Being with my OM is great, but he’s not as into riding as I am and neither of us have a way to get it anywhere that I can ride. He also doesn’t feel comfortable with me going with a bunch of guys (understandable) but the problem is…this is a guys sport…I don’t know any girls that ride…it just sucks all around. I hope to get a truck and/or trailer soon though so I can take it places, but that still doesn’t fix the fact that I have no one to ride with…you never ride alone. I’m just really missing it right now… : ( But it’s all a “First World Problem” right?

Regardless of all that, I would never trade my older man for someone younger, even if they could take me riding. He treats me way too good!! He is the best thing that ever happened to me! And it’s not like he doesn’t want me to go riding, we just don’t have a way to go right now. I hope with time that changes.

Rules to Live By

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and family will.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything which isn’t useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive but don’t forget.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.

35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.

42. The best is yet to come…

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.”