Dear Best Friend

I saw you recently and I can’t begin to tell you how much it hurt. It hurt being so close and not saying a word to you but I know it’s for the better.

I made a promise to you and I don’t know if I can keep it anymore. I’m hurting so much worse than I can bring myself to explain to anyone. You always understood and no matter how I felt I could talk to you. But I don’t have that option anymore. I’m here alone, with no where to turn.

Im begging and pleading for this life to end because I can’t do it myself. I can’t stay here. I just can’t. I’m ready for it to end. I can’t keep feeling all this hurt. Everyone hurts me. I hear the same lies and the same promises but in the end it’s always the same. I’m always alone and hurting with no where to turn.

I’m begging for it to stop. I’m pleading for this pain to go away. I can’t do it anymore.

Hurt

Tonight I learned how insignificant I am to this world. If I’m gone it won’t matter. I can be replaced. Very easily replaced. In fact, no one will notice if I was gone unless they needed me to do something for them. No one cares what happens to me. If my so called “best friend” can walk away then so can everyone else. I mean nothing to this world.

Dear True Friend

Why? Why did you have to leave me? Why did you have to hurt me so much? Why did you make me trust you? Why did you promise to always be here for me when you knew it wasn’t true.

I’m still here. Alone. And hurting more than I thought was possible. You hurt me. You hurt me bad. But I don’t want revenge. I just want to know you’re ok and happy. I worry about you more than I’ve ever admitted. And right now I hate you for that. I hate that you made me worry about you.

I would give anything right now to mend this broken heart! Please just let me know you’re ok.

It’s just not for me…

So it’s been a while that I’ve been trying counseling again. After several very bad experiences it took a lot to go back, but I did. I like my counselor, found her out of pure luck basically, but I just don’t know if it’s for me in general. I’m doing better overall, I have my days. I have some good friends that have been helping me when they can. I still miss my friend a lot, more than I care to admit, and I’m angry about it but that’s life, I just have to deal with it. I’m trying to stay focused on school and remind myself that as much as I “need” him in my life, I don’t need him. I can do this. He abandoned me, though the reason may be valid, he still abandoned me and it’s a simple fact. I don’t need him and I will be much better off without him around. I can do this. I really can….I hope…

I know after years of the abuse I have suffered I do need the counseling, I need my brain rewired and that won’t be easy. Not after hearing what a worthless piece if shit I am my whole life. So I will stick to trying counseling a little longer, we will see what happened. Right now I have worked myself to complete exhaustion which seems to help me in general. I do better when my brain is too tired to work. I need to keep this up. Keep it busy on anything to avoid thinking about things I shouldn’t be. I will get better, I think. I am trying. I’m still here, just living one day at a time.

It’s been one month

Give or take a few days. One month since you left my life, since everything changed. I never thought it could hurt so much to lose a friend but life has a funny way of teaching us lessons. I learned a lot this month. Thank you. Thank you for reminding me how painful life is. I’m taking things one day at a time, trying to remember my purpose in life. Do I even have one?