The Forgotten One

I’m still here physically, not so sure about mentally. I want out, I want a break, I need to leave. I’m constantly getting passed up for full time work despite working my ass off every single day I am at work. I’m being passed up for other employees that are lazy as fuck and never even do their job, let alone any extra work like I often do. I love my job, absolutely love what I do. I fucking hate my coworkers and their laziness while they sit around and bitch. You have a full time job with benefits, shut the fuck up!

I’ve decided to return to school, which won’t be easy at all. I can’t afford it, and I definitely can’t afford to do it in classroom, I can’t take off work enough for that. But I’m scared about attending the classes online because I’m so dyslexic. I can’t read higher than a 3rd grade level, I’m not sure I can do online classes and actually pass.

I’m pretty good at many things and great at figuring out stuff myself, but unfortunately employers want an actual degree. I’ve been making some decent money doing side work and odd jobs but it’s just not enough. I wish I could afford to go into business for myself, I think I could do well at that but I just don’t have the money or the ability. I wish I could get paid to travel and take pictures. I just want to run away and live on a little island and not deal with people anymore. Who’s with me?

As for the rest of my life, I’m just living it. My family is on me about finding someone and settling down and having kids. Which is what I want to do, would love to do, but my generation SUCKS! They think the bar is a date and I don’t drink so that pretty much guarantees I’ll be single forever. My childhood taught me that I hate being around alochol and I’m not into the one night stand thing. That’s all they want, a nice one night stand, a fuck buddy and moving on. I’m just not into that, that’s not me at all. I want a relationship, a meaningful relationship, not a fuck buddy. Now, I’m not saying you can’t have one or if you have that it’s wrong, but it’s just not me.

Where do you see yourself?

I was recently ask what my goals are, what my plan is. Am I where I planned to be? What do I want to do with my life? What next? Where am I going? Where do I see myself next? I didn’t answer, I just sat there quietly as my mind wondered.

My first thought was I want to do everything, I want to accomplish so much. I wish I had the time and money for school because I’d love to do so much. I want to become fluent in another language, I want to better my sign language skills, I want to develop apps, I want to create software to help people, but most of all I want to learn how to read. I wish more than anything I could read.

My second though wasn’t as happy. As I sat there thinking I realized something, I never planned on being here this long. I never planned on living this long. I used to make deals with myself when things were at their worse, just one more day, one more. Give it one more chance. I knew no one else was going to save me, I had to save myself. That’s how it’s always been. The only person here for me is me, that’s the only person that will ever be here for me.

I never planned to see this day but I never planned to stop it either. I’m stuck in between, sort of in limbo. I still tell myself just one more day, one more chance. I hold onto the maybe and the hope. I hope one day someone will give me the reason to stay for good but I know deep down the only reason to stay is for me.
I stay because I can’t let myself go.

How goes it?

I’m just staying alive, trying to keep busy. I got fired from a job, but then unfired. It’s a mess. And another job is falling apart, it may not be around much longer. And I can’t afford to buy a bulletproof vest that’s required for work. They don’t have my size so I have to buy my own and I don’t have the money for that.

I’ve been keeping busy, working for two families to recover information after their family member took their life. Was partially successful with one family and more successful with another. I’m just trying to learn more and get the stuff they want. I need help, in more ways than one. I’m just struggling so much right now. What to do in life, where I’m going.

I’m just here trying to figure stuff out. Just trying to survive this life.

Mother’s Day

Not a time of year I enjoy. My mother doesn’t appreciate me nor anything I do for her. In fact, it’s pretty clear to everyone around that she downright hates me. She ignores me unless she needs something to yell at. I’m nothing to her. Never have been, never will be. That’s life. That’s how it will always be.

Stresses

I’m not doing so well tonight and I don’t even know who to talk to or why I’m completely in tears right now. It’s just everything and I can’t keep handling it all time. I’m falling apart. 

Stage: Anger

The worse thing happened today and I can’t even talk about it. My man is suffering, which makes me suffer but I can’t talk about it! Life is so fucked up right now and I’m so angry! I’m beyond angry, I’m pissed off! Pissed off at her! Pissed off at my coworkers for being selfish assholes! I’m just ducking pissed! 

Fuck Your Obama”care”!

Just when things were looking up for me the government decided they “knew what was best” and fucked me over. I don’t work a “normal” job and you die hard, brainwashed Union supports can just leave your comments out! I’m not in the mood so shove them up your ass along with your head!

I lost all my overtime and gained MASSIVE increased on my insurance. I went from paying $130 a month, with TWO pre-existing conditions to paying $340 a month! That’s one and a half fucking paychecks! I don’t qualify for any assistance because I’m a RESPONSIBLE adult that believes in WORKING for what I have! I didn’t get myself knocked up, I got an education, don’t drink, don’t party, and pay my bills. What did this get me? A big fuck you from my country!

Today I got notice that my new price will be nearly $400 a month! Are you fucking kidding?!? That is TWO paychecks! I’m already starving myself with one full mean and small snacks each down, trying to get by. Now what the fuck am I suppose to do?! I have to have my phone for work otherwise I wouldn’t be able to know about open shifts to pick them up, nor would I be able to get myself scheduled in the timely manor I do to ensure my regular shifts. I have to have car insurance, can’t cut that. I have to pay on my student loans, which I took out to earn a degree and license to function as a paramedic. Only to find out that I could be paid more at McDonalds. Does that scare you? The person asking, “do you want fries with that?” makes more money than the one you call for help and expect a miracle from when your loved one stops breathing.

If I don’t get this job, I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. Either I go uninsured just so I can eat. Or I find the tallest bridge to jump off of because I literally can’t afford to live anymore. I would like to thanks the “affordable” care act for making that jump possible.