Mother’s Day

Not a time of year I enjoy. My mother doesn’t appreciate me nor anything I do for her. In fact, it’s pretty clear to everyone around that she downright hates me. She ignores me unless she needs something to yell at. I’m nothing to her. Never have been, never will be. That’s life. That’s how it will always be.

Stresses

I’m not doing so well tonight and I don’t even know who to talk to or why I’m completely in tears right now. It’s just everything and I can’t keep handling it all time. I’m falling apart. 

Stage: Anger

The worse thing happened today and I can’t even talk about it. My man is suffering, which makes me suffer but I can’t talk about it! Life is so fucked up right now and I’m so angry! I’m beyond angry, I’m pissed off! Pissed off at her! Pissed off at my coworkers for being selfish assholes! I’m just ducking pissed! 

Fuck Your Obama”care”!

Just when things were looking up for me the government decided they “knew what was best” and fucked me over. I don’t work a “normal” job and you die hard, brainwashed Union supports can just leave your comments out! I’m not in the mood so shove them up your ass along with your head!

I lost all my overtime and gained MASSIVE increased on my insurance. I went from paying $130 a month, with TWO pre-existing conditions to paying $340 a month! That’s one and a half fucking paychecks! I don’t qualify for any assistance because I’m a RESPONSIBLE adult that believes in WORKING for what I have! I didn’t get myself knocked up, I got an education, don’t drink, don’t party, and pay my bills. What did this get me? A big fuck you from my country!

Today I got notice that my new price will be nearly $400 a month! Are you fucking kidding?!? That is TWO paychecks! I’m already starving myself with one full mean and small snacks each down, trying to get by. Now what the fuck am I suppose to do?! I have to have my phone for work otherwise I wouldn’t be able to know about open shifts to pick them up, nor would I be able to get myself scheduled in the timely manor I do to ensure my regular shifts. I have to have car insurance, can’t cut that. I have to pay on my student loans, which I took out to earn a degree and license to function as a paramedic. Only to find out that I could be paid more at McDonalds. Does that scare you? The person asking, “do you want fries with that?” makes more money than the one you call for help and expect a miracle from when your loved one stops breathing.

If I don’t get this job, I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do. Either I go uninsured just so I can eat. Or I find the tallest bridge to jump off of because I literally can’t afford to live anymore. I would like to thanks the “affordable” care act for making that jump possible.

Why

Why have I been absent from here? Why haven’t I written? Where have I been?

I’ve been here. Still living life, fucked over by ObamaCare, or CrapCare as we call it. Just when things are finally starting to go good for me, the government comes along and fucks me over. The cut in hours and increase in insurance and medical cost is screwing me royally. Then my dog had major surgery and is now on a special diet. I starve myself to make sure he gets his food and medicine because he’s the only one that loves me. He’s all I have. I refuse to see him suffer.

Before you liberal supporters start in, let me explain something. What the fuck did you think was going to happen to part time hours?!? You can’t just create full time spots! ESPECIALLY in a business run off tax dollars when people won’t vote to pay higher taxes. You can’t just demand my job offers that when they can barely get by as it is. At least they were paying me overtime! At least I had that going for me and thanks to your dumbass ideas, I lost it! lost all my over time and now have to pay 4 times MORE a month for insurance because you decided we need to cover everyone. This doesn’t fix anything! It creates a bigger problem and I’m left to suffer! Just when things were getting better. I work almost daily and the few days I do have off I spend trying to find more work. Another job, odd jobs, fixing stuff for people, building crap…anything to get by.

I am literally living off bread and butter, Ramon noodles, and soup. Why? Because I can’t afford to eat. I can’t afford to buy food, I get whatever is on sale and eat two “meals”, if that what you call it, a day. My doctor is on me about my weight being too low, several over my coworkers have noticed, but I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone it’s because I can’t afford to eat. And I don’t qualify for any assistance because I’ve been a responsible person. I don’t have kids, I live alone, it’s just me and the dog. But it’s ok, continuing life like this will probably kill me sooner, which is good. Less suffering. The sooner it’s all over the better.

So why haven’t I written? Because I can’t get the shit out of my head, I can’t get my thoughts straight and I can’t afford the medicine to help me. I’m stuck and there’s nothing I can do. That’s just life. I deal with it. I’m worthless like my mother always told me. I’m replaceable. 

Truth Is

Nobody cares but you. You are the only person that will always be there for you. You have to care because no one else will. That’s reality. You fight these battles alone and the demons are all your own. No one will fight with you so they certainly aren’t going to fight for you.

  
I am replaceable.

I am easily forgotten.

If you don’t need me, I don’t exist.

I will always be there for you. I will always be there for everyone that needs me. That is my only purpose in life, that’s the only reason I’m still here.

I will always be here for you because I know what it’s like to have no one. I have no one.

Silently Slipping By

I’m still here, always reading your posts but never saying much. I’m stuck in a rut I can’t get out of, but don’t worry my two coworkers, and new found “friends”, are looking out for me. Trying to get me to break free and live a “normal” life. They tell me they worry about me but I keep telling them they don’t need to. After all these years I’m still here, clearly something wants me around. Probably just to stuff, but it’s obvious I’m not going anywhere right now.