Have you ever cooked dinner for someone, spend all day making a cake for them, only to have them yell at you for it? And tell you to NEVER do it again?
I’m upset and I’m angry. I spent my entire, and only, day off making that cake only to get yell at for it. Never once hearing a thank you.
Next year the day will come and go, not one word will be spoken about it. No more dinner, no more cake, no more acknowledgement of the day.
I feel shittier than I’ve ever felt before. I feel like a real idiot. I don’t even want to go back to work. I can’t afford to call off, I need the money, but I think this time I’m going to call off. I don’t want to go back.
It hurts. Some friend. Friends don’t do that. Friends don’t yell at someone for making them a cake.
I’m still here physically, not so sure about mentally. I want out, I want a break, I need to leave. I’m constantly getting passed up for full time work despite working my ass off every single day I am at work. I’m being passed up for other employees that are lazy as fuck and never even do their job, let alone any extra work like I often do. I love my job, absolutely love what I do. I fucking hate my coworkers and their laziness while they sit around and bitch. You have a full time job with benefits, shut the fuck up!
I’ve decided to return to school, which won’t be easy at all. I can’t afford it, and I definitely can’t afford to do it in classroom, I can’t take off work enough for that. But I’m scared about attending the classes online because I’m so dyslexic. I can’t read higher than a 3rd grade level, I’m not sure I can do online classes and actually pass.
I’m pretty good at many things and great at figuring out stuff myself, but unfortunately employers want an actual degree. I’ve been making some decent money doing side work and odd jobs but it’s just not enough. I wish I could afford to go into business for myself, I think I could do well at that but I just don’t have the money or the ability. I wish I could get paid to travel and take pictures. I just want to run away and live on a little island and not deal with people anymore. Who’s with me?
As for the rest of my life, I’m just living it. My family is on me about finding someone and settling down and having kids. Which is what I want to do, would love to do, but my generation SUCKS! They think the bar is a date and I don’t drink so that pretty much guarantees I’ll be single forever. My childhood taught me that I hate being around alochol and I’m not into the one night stand thing. That’s all they want, a nice one night stand, a fuck buddy and moving on. I’m just not into that, that’s not me at all. I want a relationship, a meaningful relationship, not a fuck buddy. Now, I’m not saying you can’t have one or if you have that it’s wrong, but it’s just not me.
I was recently ask what my goals are, what my plan is. Am I where I planned to be? What do I want to do with my life? What next? Where am I going? Where do I see myself next? I didn’t answer, I just sat there quietly as my mind wondered.
My first thought was I want to do everything, I want to accomplish so much. I wish I had the time and money for school because I’d love to do so much. I want to become fluent in another language, I want to better my sign language skills, I want to develop apps, I want to create software to help people, but most of all I want to learn how to read. I wish more than anything I could read.
My second though wasn’t as happy. As I sat there thinking I realized something, I never planned on being here this long. I never planned on living this long. I used to make deals with myself when things were at their worse, just one more day, one more. Give it one more chance. I knew no one else was going to save me, I had to save myself. That’s how it’s always been. The only person here for me is me, that’s the only person that will ever be here for me.
I never planned to see this day but I never planned to stop it either. I’m stuck in between, sort of in limbo. I still tell myself just one more day, one more chance. I hold onto the maybe and the hope. I hope one day someone will give me the reason to stay for good but I know deep down the only reason to stay is for me.
I stay because I can’t let myself go.
I’m just staying alive, trying to keep busy. I got fired from a job, but then unfired. It’s a mess. And another job is falling apart, it may not be around much longer. And I can’t afford to buy a bulletproof vest that’s required for work. They don’t have my size so I have to buy my own and I don’t have the money for that.
I’ve been keeping busy, working for two families to recover information after their family member took their life. Was partially successful with one family and more successful with another. I’m just trying to learn more and get the stuff they want. I need help, in more ways than one. I’m just struggling so much right now. What to do in life, where I’m going.
I’m just here trying to figure stuff out. Just trying to survive this life.
Not a time of year I enjoy. My mother doesn’t appreciate me nor anything I do for her. In fact, it’s pretty clear to everyone around that she downright hates me. She ignores me unless she needs something to yell at. I’m nothing to her. Never have been, never will be. That’s life. That’s how it will always be.
I’m not doing so well tonight and I don’t even know who to talk to or why I’m completely in tears right now. It’s just everything and I can’t keep handling it all time. I’m falling apart.
The worse thing happened today and I can’t even talk about it. My man is suffering, which makes me suffer but I can’t talk about it! Life is so fucked up right now and I’m so angry! I’m beyond angry, I’m pissed off! Pissed off at her! Pissed off at my coworkers for being selfish assholes! I’m just ducking pissed!